Good Gollie Miss Hollie

Chillin:)

2010-08-15T21:45:00.002-04:00

I'm just sitting in bed, chillaxin with my kitty, Angel, watching WHY DID I GET MARRIED? on TBS. :) I have decided to do a "favorite things" blog, why not, right?! ;)

So here goes, a few of Hollie's favorite things...

♥ Snowflakes coming through the window while I take a warm shower.

♥ Glitter.

♥ Sponge triangles to apply make-up.

♥ Scrapbooks and memory boxes.

♥ Hearing a child pray.

♥ Naps.

♥ Journaling, blogging, and writing in general.

♥ Baby clothes.

♥ Sweet tea, beans & cornbread, red beans & rice.

♥ Boomin' music is my car.

♥ Facial masks.

♥ Watching giraffes eat.

♥ Bags, not purses, bags!

♥ Church and Sunday School.

♥ Music in all forms, except screamo.

♥ The smell of coffee shops.

♥ Writing cards to people.

♥ White Christmas lights, all year. :)

♥ Swimming in lakes, feeling fishies bite my feet.

♥ Clean floors.

♥ Fresh bedding.

♥ 80's memorabilia, especially Popples.

♥ Spending time in Amish Country.

♥ Getting as many needs met as we can at Goodwill.

♥ Being surrounded by pets all the time.

♥ Headbands.

♥ Teddy Grahams with moo juice.

♥ Men who are honorable.

♥ Candles. I love sitting in my candle lit room.

♥ Christopher Walkin.

♥ Dancing and singing, loudly!

♥ Antiques.

♥ The smell of fresh laundry.

♥ Oceans that are so emerald you can see the bottom.

♥ Crisp, white socks, panties, and bras.

♥ Canada.

♥ A good ink pen.

♥ Getting rained on.

♥ New Bibles with thin, crispy paper...and a shiny border.

♥ Laminating machines.

♥ Watching old home movies.

♥ Fountain drinks.

♥ Having dozens of nail polish bottles to choose from.

♥ Beehives.

♥ Homemade gifts, giving and receiving.

♥ Women who respect the "woman code."

♥ Planning parties.

♥ Watching leaves fall, them crunching them under my feet.

♥ Belly laughter.

♥ Maps and globes.

♥ Jammin out at concerts.

♥ People who are NOT superficial, and can see into your soul.

♥ The feeling you get the first time you hold "his" hand. ;)

♥ Spelling colour with a U.

♥ Lanyards.

♥ Cheesy tourist shops.

♥ The bestest Canon Camera ever, this one! I want it soo bad!!!

♥ Animals tilting their head out of curiosity.

♥ Homemade quilts.

♥ Double rainbows.

♥ The atmosphere of a campus in the fall.

♥ Dandelions and wildflowers.

♥ Being moved by song lyrics.

Okay, I will shut up now, I am tired of writing. :) So, I have a question for you...

WHAT ARE YOU FAVORITE THINGS?

Bad dreams, Bad appointments, Bad behavior

2010-08-05T23:21:00.002-04:00

This blog is gonna be quite a roller coaster of emotion for you all! It is just raw emotion from me, I can't give anything more than that right now...

First I want to tell you all about this bad dream I had, almost like a nightmare. It was about Nathan, the little boy that we were just days away from adopting when my world was turned upside down. I still miss him, my heartaches as if I had lost a child of my own. He called me mom, he saw Samuel and Michael as brothers, he was MY FAMILY.

About the dream...

I was dreaming that we got a call saying that his parents had died. The case worker wanted me to come see him, since he kept talking about us. (Mind you, this was when all of the boys were in their late teens.) I went to see him and it was like nothing ever changed, he fell right back into his place in my family. He begged me to take him in so foster care would not take him. I told him I could not since I was a single parent now, the state would not let me. He cried and pleaded, my boys cried and pleaded. In the dream we spent as much time with him as we could, nearly every waking minute. Then it came time for us to say goodbye, the state still would not allow him to live with us, so we all cried. I was beyond hysterical, crying like I had never cried. Then BOOM, I woke us, face was wet with tears- and I was breathing heavy. Talk about an emotional dream.

I woke up and could not get it out of my head, still can't. I find myself staring at pictures of all 3 of "my" boys. :'( I feel like I should be past all of this, but then along comes these crazy dreams, and all of my emotions surface again.

And there any pills you can take to stop dreaming? lol ;)

Moving on...

Yesterday was the kiddos back-to-school well checks, followed by dental appointments. Let me just say, IT SUCKED! The entire day sucked, and when I got home I was so mentally drained that I sat in bed and cried myself to sleep. I do not like to be bombarded with a bunch of news all at once.

Here is how it went down (all things the doc said)...

- Your kids are fat so we need to run lipid panels on them, this is common for children now-a-days.

- Samuel is due for a tetnus booster, we will do that today.

- Both kids failed our eye exams, more than once, they need to go see an eye doctor.

- We will do Michael's thyroid bloodwork, it is probably why he is having such severe hot flases. Luckily you are seeing his endocrinologist next week.

- Samuel needs to have his spine looked at by an ortho doc, since he has had abnormal xrays, and is still having quite a bit of pain there.

- Michael needs to see a developmental doc to get a diagnosis for Aspergers. This was he can be on an IEP when he needs it.

- Let me get you some information on a health clinic for kids, so they can lose weight. (Said the 5' 8" 90 pound doctor)

Dentist notes-

- Michael needs braces now, his teeth are getting worse everyday. He cannot even reach all of the sides of his teeth to brush proerly.

- Samuel can have the 2nd set of braces put on, but we have to pull 4 teeth since they are baby teeth and completely impacted. THey won't come out if we don't pull them.

- Both kids need sealants put on.

Yes, that was a lot of information to digest for one day. Too much for me, I just could not take it. Maybe it is just a hornomal time for me, who knows!

Today I woke up with a much better attitude. I decided that I would finish all of the calls I had to make for the boys' school stuff. THEN I would make all of these appointments.

Well, I called LCCS first, and that went SO BAD that I didn't make another call for the rest of the day.

I singed a contract with LCCS (as all parents so) that says we will not talk bad about or gossip about the school. This is not gossip since it is about me, it is just facts. And it is not bad-mouthing, I am just gonna give everyone the facts...

Samuel and Michael went to that school for a year and a half. I adored it. I would do these long, wonderful blogs about what a great place it was. I had a handful of parents warning me, saying it was not all I thought it was. I thought that I was just dealing with picky moms, or naysayers. Looking back, I wish I had taken their advice. :-/

I LIVED at that school, I volunteered for everything they had. Even doing grunt work, like serving and cleaning at the Pony Express 2 years in a row. I worked everyday at the Christmas Shoope. I sat and made copies for HOURS....seriously...HOURS every week. I would have done anything, I loved that school.

THen when Justin left our family, we were a mess. The school helped us emotionally, giving the blys slack on their work, and placing them in free therapy. Michael even went to a divorce support group during school hours. I thought I had finally made some true friends! Again, parents are still warning me. And at this point, I made some strong relationships with a few teachers, and even they warned me that it was not all it was cracked up to be.

However, I am someone who has to find out for myself, I have to see it to believe it. I had NEVER been hurt by the school, so why worry, it was good to us.

Today that changed.

Remember, just the facts.

I called to get a copy of Samuel's last report card, since the new school needs it. They told me that since I had a balance, they could not release the report card to me. I said, "I have only child support as an income, I am raising a family of three, I have cancer that requires MANY doctor's appointments, my boys need numerous upcoming appointments. AND...you guys KNOW what happened with my family, and how we were dropped on our butts. I cannt pay ANYTHING right now, but I will try when I get more of an income." She said, I know Hollie, I am so sorry, but I cannot release anything. Please keep us updated on how things go. (HA!!!!!!!) I was hysterically crying at this point, so I just said okay and hung up.

Once I gathered myself, a good hour later, I wish I had brough up the fact that I have paid them almost $10,000, and I only owe one month of tuition. It is insane that they will not release MY CHILD'S report card because of that. I guess I didn't really make friends, I made "people who like to take my money and pretend to be concerned aquaintances."

Okay, just typing this blog out is exhausting me, I am going to bed.

Picture Your Life

2010-08-03T05:28:00.007-04:00

Friends~Family~Fellow Bloggers~

My mother and I have decided to "try" and start a small business on Etsy.com. :-) We are basically offering our artistic creations. (Picture Your Life- Link)

My mom is offering caricatures and ink pen portraits...her work is so beautiful. The pictures below are just examples. The caricature is a recent one that she did for me, and the ink pen portrait is one of her great dane, Bob, that she lost the day before.

I will be offering photo DVD's, and photo editing. Basically I will offer to do the editing like I did in the photos below, and the DVD's will be for those who would like their photos set to music. Stuff the I love to do!

My mom and I will both offer rice jewelry. We can write names, birth-dates, etc... on a grain of rice and make it into a necklace, key-chain, etc... We are both new to this, but I think we finally have it down. Technical pens are my new best friend.

Many of you know that I am fighting cancer...and I have extremely poor health. Working a job is not realistic for me, since I basically live at the doctor's office and I have limited mobility. This is a dream of mine, to have a business that I can do everything from home, and in my own time, and not undertaking any tasks that I cannot handle. My mother's health is also declining, and working is not a real option for her either. So we sat and discussed and we decided that we will never know if we could have made it unless we just jump in with both feet!

Here is our site, please check it out, but more importantly- SPREAD the word :-)

PICTURE YOUR LIFE- LINK

Here are some photos from the site of the stuff we are offering...

My mom's caricatures and ink portrait examples-

Photo editing, just like these two pics-

Goodbye Big Silly Man

2010-08-02T23:30:00.006-04:00

Bob, our majestic, regal, loving, Great Dane, has crossed over the rainbow bridge.

Everyone who met Bob loved him instantly. He was 150 pounds of lap dog! He stood 7 feet tall when standing on his hind legs, and always watched our neighbors over the privacy fence. He had the most beautiful brindle markings, and big brown eyes.

Bob was the alpha dog in our house, he led with an iron fist. He was first to do everything, and he made all the other dogs wait for him to finish. He would lay on the end of the couch, pretending to be asleep, and if ANY dog tried to pass him he would make a very soft growling noise. My mom said he was playing "Billy Goats Gruff," and all the dogs had to pay a toll to pass. :-) This was his most favorite game in the house.

Bob's simple thinking and clumsy mannerisms made him even more lovable. He could not figure something out to save his life. He was very large, so if he got stuck in the bathroom or hallway it would take him a good 10 minutes to figure out how to get out of the predicament he was in. He would trap you in a room and force you to love him, pressing all 150 pounds against you. And when you have that much "Bob" forcing you to love him, there is no saying no! :-) One of the funniest things Bob ever did was inside of PetSmart- he got it in his mind that the GIANT hanging animals were real. Hehe. On one visit there, he barked and barked at the giant cat hanging over the feline section...he didn't even notice the people around him, he just knew he had to keep that darn cat away from us! I really loved him.

Bob lived and breathed to protect my mom. On more than one occasion he would jump to her defense if he thought she was hurt in any way. His love for her was the very definition of unconditional. Bob also loved his daddy, often sitting with him at night while they watched movies. Samuel and Michael were also special to Bob, he loved it when they would lay next to him and kiss him. And I feel so honored because, Bob never licked anyone, it was never his thing...but when I moved in, he would lick my face just a very little bit, to say "I love you." I will never forget those moments!

In the last weeks of his life, Bob took a drastic turn with his health. We noticed he wasn't eating, he never got up to play, he never wanted to be loved, his muscles were twitching, and he could not hold himself up anymore. It all happened so fast, we were not ready to say goodbye to Big Bob. I am having a hard time writing this, because every time I think about him, I want to go out into the living room and see him- but he is not there. :'( I can't stand it. There is an emptiness that cannot be filled.

We have lost so much in a years time, we suffered so much heartache. I try to keep my head up, because I know things could always get worse. I thank God for my strong faith, because I could have never made it through everything I have made it through without a GREAT GOD. I am also thankful for the unwavering faith that my family has, I know that we can always lean on each other through these times. God has never let us down, and He never will. We asked for an answer on what to do with Bob, and my mom knew immediately that it was time to say goodbye. God is never early- He is never late- He is always RIGHT ON TIME.

Here are some pictures of our handsome man, please take a minute to read the captions and look at the pictures. Bob is now running free with all the other danes we have lost along the way- Frank, Lars, Lisa, Tinka, Raina, Connie, Hunter, Frankie and his best friend, his sister, Hannah Banana. :'( Run free big silly man, and make sure that everyone knows who the boss is!! I love you forever.

This pic was taken in February, and I am sure it is what Bob looks like now, running and playing, with no pain....

This was Bob letting Lisa know who was going in first!!! I hope they are playing together tonight...

This is the last picture of Bob, it was taken on Friday with my cell phone. He was really sick and that point, but he loved my mom, and she loved him, all the way until the end. I will cherish this picture...

Just some pics...

2010-07-18T20:49:00.004-04:00

Too tired to talk, but here are some pics from the last 2 days! Click to enlarge them! :)

Forgive.

2010-07-08T19:54:00.005-04:00

I just feel like blogging, not really sure what about, just wanna talk (or type).

Most of my close friends know that I have made a vow in my life to not have enemies. I do not want the word HATE to be in my vocabulary. God commands us to forgive, so I do my very best to forgive everything. I also do my best to apologize quickly when I am wrong.

I have had to forgive some pretty big stuff in my life...such as, my biological father being the drug/alcohol addicted, non-family man that he was. Or my grandparents for the emotion and physical abuse that they dealt out to all four of their children. And let us not forget when I was dropped on my butt with two kids, and left with no stability. Big stuff, and this does not even scratch the surface.

But, being a sinner, saved by grace, I know forgiveness is not something that God suggests, He commands it. How can I expect to be forgiven of my sins, if I cannot forgive others? And honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I have forgiven everyone, and I am truly at peace in my heart.

Lately things have been getting more difficult for me, and I DO NOT want to fall into the unforgiving person I USED to be. So I am praying for strength and wisdom with each situation as it arises.

Oddly enough, forgiving the horrible things that family has done is EASIER than forging friends when they betray me. I am not sure why, it should be easier. Maybe it is because I choose my friends and I expect more from them. Maybe I feel more obligated to forgive family, you know, since they are family. I don't know...

I DO KNOW, that I have to work through this, because when I made that vow (to not have enemies) I was serious, and I take vows VERY seriously. I just need to figure out a way to forgive, and move on, without becoming more angry or upset.

I have a tendency to allow friends to walk on me, I always have, and probably always will. I have accepted that this is simply something I cannot change about my personality. I wish I was more like my mother, and could speak my mind more. But then again, I know the life she had to live in order to be so vocal, so maybe I should not complain...I had an amazing childhood where I knew I had a mom that would ALWAYS be there for me!

I have decided that I will just back out of the picture when I feel like I am being used. That is not necessarily a bad thing, friendships fade over time, and I feel like I have some that are simply fading. :'( It is sad, but in order to keep my sanity, I have to let go. I hate seeing a chapter end, no matter if it is a friend, family, job, hobby, anything...

I also hate fighting with friends. Have you ever had a friend that you actually fought with? I never have until my late 20s, and let me just say, not my cup of tea. I am an adult, the only people that I should be fighting with are my kids and boyfriends! Because you cannot help but fight with your kids, and every good relationship has fighting, otherwise you are not connecting. Other than those two scenarios, I have no reason to FIGHT with anyone, maybe disagree, but not fight.

I have some of the best girlfriends in the world, friends that have my back through think and thin! I have a family that most people would give anything for, a network that is so strong it CANNOT be broken. It just kills me that I struggle with a few friendships. But again, it is better to bow out, and move on, instead of living in anger. That way forgiveness is easier...and as you have heard a million times by now, I HAVE to forgive...I even WANT to forgive. Really.

Okay, I feel like I have chatted enough. Hehe. :) Plus....THE DECISION....is coming on in 20 minutes, I would not want to interfere with such pressing, worldwide news! =D (BTW, I hope he goes so Cleveland will show some "real" news stories!)

Ohio ROX my SOX! ;)

2010-07-05T17:02:00.002-04:00

Hey all, just wanted to give everyone a heads up on some amazing events that are coming to Ohio soon! :-)

If you are down Cincinnati way, be sure to hit up Kings Island July 8-10 for SPIRIT SONG 2010...there will be some big names there, like TobyMac! Here is the LINK.

July 17th some really cool Christian artists (rap, hip hop) will be at Lake Center Christian in Hartville. This is sure to be a great concert, you can hear ads for it on AlternaFish every Sat. and Sun. night, 95.5. Here is the LINK.

If you want some good, clean comedy, be sure to check out Tim Hawkins and John Branyan when they come to Youngstown on July 25th! Here is the LINK!

Point Fest will be coming to Cedar Point on September 18th. You can see Casting Crowns (AMAZING), Family Force 5, Remedy Drive, and more. Here is the LINK.

If you can't make it to Kings Island and still wanna hear TobyMac (w/ Max Lucado, Third Day, and Michael W. Smith) then check out his concert in Youngstown on September 30th! I am sure it is gonna be amazing, Michael is trying to save up money for us to go (he is a sweetie) for my birthday! Here is the LINK.

As you can see, there is a lot of amazing stuff coming up, I hope you all get a chance to make it to at least one of these. If I forgot something just let me know!

Thought provoking...

2010-07-04T23:20:00.002-04:00

Just a few neat questions, with my answers. :-) Feel free to answer them yourself in the comment section.

What would you do if you were certain that nobody would judge your choices?

Live in an tent. I would bathe in rivers, swim in springs, observe nature daily and nightly. I went camping recently and had to live in a tent for four days, and it was such a freeing experience. All materialistic things were not even in my mind. I got to spend quality time with people I love, worship my Maker all day and night, sit by campfires enjoying music from our own mouths, and just have an overwhelming feeling of joy fill my body and soul. It made me realize how materialistic the world has become, and quickly we have forgotten the "free beauty" all around us. No, it is not a PERFECT lifestyle...there are insects, and extreme temperatures, and storms! But, I made it through all of that and still preferred that lifestyle. If no one would judge or criticize me, I guarantee you my boys and I would be living at a campground from April to October every year. Seriously.

What are your three "nevers" in life?

1. Never talk MORE than you listen.
2. Never betray someones trust.
3. Never allow your faith to be shaken, or be persuaded to "bend" on certain standpoints in your beliefs.

Which is a stronger emotion: anger or love?

I am definitely gonna have to go with love. I have been on both sides of this coin, and I can say with 100% certainty that love is much stronger.

When I get angry I will fly off the handle, no doubt about it. Especially if I am angry because my boys were wronged in some way or another. However, once the anger has passed, and the situation is in a better place, your mind will let go of those memories over time. I can't even begin to name all the things I have been angry about.

Love is a different story, I can tell you ever time my heart has been broken. When you fall in love, you are in a completely vulnerable state (unless you are not loving whole-heartily). That vulnerability will cause so much more pain! Every time I have been hurt by love, it leaves scars that never fully go away. I also can't forget the pain that love caused, but I can slowly forget anger.

If you look at love and anger in a different light, I still believe love is stronger...

When I love, I love with every fiber of my being. When I give my heart, it is in it's entirety. Loving another is the best gift you can give another person. My "love" towards others will always outweigh anger. I can love my son with everything in me, and I can be angry at him with everything in me....but honestly, the love will always be stronger.

I think a lot of my opinions on this have to do with my faith. God says to love your neighbors as yourself, and to love and obey your spouse, ans to love your children, etc.... Love is very important to God. And if you can't love others as HE loves US, how can you expect joy in your life?

The Bible also speaks about anger, and how we should control it. We should turn the other cheek, forgive those who trespass against us, etc... Instead of rising up in anger, we should try to turn that emotion into love. I said TRY, I know it is hard.

Would you give your life to save someone else's?

I can look at this question from two standpoints, physically and spiritually.

Physically speaking I would say yes I could easily give my life to save my boys' lives. I think that ANY mother would be able to say the same, it is our instinct. And since we have such strong maternal instinct, we want to protect others. So if I were caught in the middle of some disaster with my family of friends, I may jump in to help, I don't think I could run or sit and watch, even if it meant losing my life.

Spiritually speaking the answer is YES. No questions asked. If my life could be used to save even ONE could from eternal damnation, then dying would totally be worth it. I want to see everyone saved, and sometimes people need a dramatic sign (like death) from God to change their lives. I would hope that all Bible believing Christians are with me on this!

Can you describe your life with a six word sentence?

Confessed my sins, will live eternally.

What is the difference between living and existing?

I think this question is super easy. :)

Existing is just doing the bare minimum in life...waking up, eating, bathing, etc... You really have no goals, or beliefs, and you are just waiting for you time here to be up.

Living is...well, LIVING! Going about and beyond the daily life routines. Making sure you enjoy your time with others, tucking your kids in at night, praying, setting goals, having a walk with God, watching the clouds pass by in the sky, being grateful for small things, smiling, making sure you do everything you want to do....no regrets!

Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?

Always. I say this to my boys all the time. It is so easy to sink into self pity when the world seems to continuously crash down around you, but you have to keep your head held high. When money troubles get to me, I think of homeless people, or people with no food or clothing. I am blessed with what I have. When I get upset about my cancer, I think of the parents that will watch their toddler die from the disease this month. I am thankful I am not living in a hospital like so many others. When I get depressed about restructuring my life as a single parent, I think about the nurse that told me her husband left her after 30 years of marriage, for a YOUNG woman. She had never worked, and she never saw it coming. I am thankful mine was only 10 years, I cannot imagine 30...I am blessed.

Time or money?

Time.

Money buys you trouble and gets you into sin.

Time will get you more evening with your children, more sunrises, more of everything that truly matters.

Okay y'all, remember, you are more than welcome to post your answers to these questions in my comment box! I'd love to see what you all have to say! :-)

What do you need?

2010-07-02T23:03:00.002-04:00

Hmm....such a simple (!!), thought provoking (ha) question. Let me think...

~I need money, it can buy me happiness.

~I need somewhere to run when I am confronted.

~I need to live a "charmed" life behind all the mirrors I have put up.

~I need to not be blamed for that person's cancer!

~I need a back-up plan when I screw up again.

~I need to talk the talk, but NEVER walk the walk.

~I need you to know I AM I AM I AM a good person. I I I

~I need to get all the attention I can, anyway I can get it.

Okay okay okay...let me shut up now!

I don't need any of that, but of course, those of you who know ME already know that! :) I will stop this (silly) confusion.

Most of you are probably not following this, just a select few that understand. And of course, you :-) that told me first (we are becoming fast friends, thanks babe). I love just having sources call me, without even asking or caring, it is seriously funny! And becoming friends with people you NEVER you befriend. Life is so bizarre.

Just ignore this if you are lost! =D

ALIVE FEST 2010!

2010-06-28T21:44:00.039-04:00

(The photo above was taken while I was waiting for the TobyMac concert. I tried to get a pic of my entire shirt, but I couldn't. It is a pic of a Polaroid Camera shooting out a photo that says "Your Life." So...you know...PICTURE YOUR LIFE! Then the back says, "Will it matter in a thousand years?" I thought this was so cool, and so moving. All T's from liveoffensively.com are amazing!)

I feel speechless when I think about Alive. How can you put so much joy, excitement, and love into words? I don't think you can.

Here are two pics of me and my best guys at Alive, the first one was taken on day 2, it was hot as heck outside. The second photo was taken on the last day, before the crowds arrived to see TobyMac.

I also added quite a few videos to my Youtube site, but here is my favorite moment from the TobyMac concert....

I love the song FUNKY JESUS MUSIC so much, and I got sown during this song. Which is why I could not record very much, I had to live in the "once in a lifetime" moment.

The other highlight of that particular concert was when Truett came out on stage, for the first time! It was so cool, my boys love Truett! We never expected this, but we were so happy it happened at Alive 10. The kids had front stage passes to the Toby Mac concert (thank you mommy!) and they got to see him up close and personal!

Now instead of typing out some long blog, read this.....

This is my daily log from the Alive Fest. If you click the pictures they will enlarge and you can read them, just pay attention to the page numbers at the bottom- so you can stay in order. :) Welcome to my mind at Alive 10....

Here are some photos from our night hike to the the look-out tower, is was so beautiful! The pictures simply cannot give this majestic landscape justice...

The tent that momma assembled alone...

Bedtime for all (even the weird guy sitting in the vendor tent! lol)....

Daytime fun at seminars. The picture of the boys on the tram with the two teen boys was taken because they became friends and were goofing off and yelling at people and asking for hugs and whatnot, it was hilarious!! The rest are all from seminars...

Look at the Amphitheater crowds...

Cool signage....

The TobyMac experience...

The Comedy Club experience with Tim Hawkins and John Branyan....

Enjoying the artists that performed at ALIVE....

Okay, let me be frank with you all....I have been uploading photos since like 2pm or something like that, so I am just gonna end this blog by uploading all the rest of the pics without labeling them.....

Here is the last video that I shot at Alive 2010, my final thoughts about the week....

Relay for Life

2010-06-20T00:32:00.006-04:00

Relay for Life was amazing this year, if you didn't make you, you really missed out!

I was asked to be the speaker for the Luminaria Ceremony...I was nervous and excited all at one. I know we ended up having more that 250 people there, and when I heard the number my nerves really got to me. Patty and Mike sat beside me as I spoke and they really helped me to stay strong. I think I only cracked once...when I started talking about my guys. When I walked down to meet them, they were both crying hysterically. The Luminaria Ceremony brings out a lot of emotions anyway, but it is probably worse when it is your mother talking.

Here is a copy of the speech...

The first time I ever heard the word cancer was just a few short days before my grandpa succumbed to it. I was only 11 years old and had no idea that just 4 years later, at the age of 15, I would be battling this horrific disease myself.

Just one week before I turned 15, I went to put on the same clown costume I had been wearing each night for a children’s church function when a sharp pain shot through my neck. Figuring there might be a pin sticking me or something, I looked in the mirror to see what the problem was and realized that my neck had doubled in size almost overnight. After church, I showed it to my mother who had already been worried because she felt something was terribly wrong with me anyway. She had been concerned with my headaches, failing grades and extreme forgetfulness for some time…so when she saw my neck she called the next morning to get me in to see the doctor.

After a short examination, the doctor said I appeared to be in good health, but was puzzled about the swelling in my neck He told me that even though he didn’t think it was my thyroid, he would run some lab tests and order an ultrasound “just in case.” On the ultrasound table it became pretty clear that something was terribly wrong, with five or six doctors coming in and out and everyone having to measure and look at it and whisper about it.

Well, the next few days were a blur. I underwent multiple tests, had a major surgery, and celebrated my 15th birthday in the hospital. I was fighting depression because I had not only found out that I had thyroid cancer, but that it had already spread to my lymph nodes and muscle, and I was now facing a four day hospitalization for radiation therapy. Nevertheless, throughout this whole ordeal I was told by my surgeon that thyroid cancer is the best type of cancer to have, and I should be thankful. He said it almost never returns, so it was likely that this would never be a problem for me again. Now, 15 years later, I’ve learned that not only is there no such thing as a “good cancer,” but you can never make assumptions about it. My cancer recurred 2 years later when I was 17 years old…6 years after that when I was 23 years old, and again in 2008….and it is active today.

I am a single mother, raising two sons, and some days I am so sick I cannot get out of bed. This disease has ravaged my body over the years with all the surgeries, changes in medication and radiation therapies I undergone. Many times I am fighting the depression that comes with being unable to keep up with my boys and I feel that it is robbing them of the mother they should have. And sadly…this is what the doctors have deemed the “good cancer.”

For now, doctors have done all they know to do to fight the type of cancer I have. Right now, it is being suppressed, but should it ever begin to spread there is little they can do. They have used up all of their silver bullets and now I am left with Clinical Trials. Recurrent thyroid cancer, like so many others, is not well understood and research is desperately needed. This is what makes the fight against cancer so important. This is why I Relay. This is why my sons Relay. This is why my friends and my team Relay. And this is why we will continue to Relay. Cancer affects just about every person in the world… either directly like me or indirectly…and we must keep working …we must keep fighting…until they find the cure.

My friend Amy recorded it, when she gets the video up I will post it on here. :)

Relay was not all sad, we had a lot of fun. The kids got painted a gazillion times, they played "circus" games, they won tons of prizes, they spent time with friends, and Michael even won the frozen T-Shirt contest. It was such a fun day.

My boys do such a great job with volunteering their time for charity. I cannot even begin to tell you how many miles they walked over the last 4 months trying to raise money. They walked in 55 degree rainy weather, and in 90 degree heat! They had doors slammed in their face, they were ignored, and yet, they pressed forward. :) I am so proud of their commitment. Sadly, this is the last year that the CONKLE CARAVAN will be a team. :( We have thought about having our own team, but we may choose a different charity to work for next year. They boys are thinking about the ASPCA, the local APL, of volunteering at the soup kitchen. Only time will tell, but I know they will be doing something for charity, in one way or another. :)

Okay, here are a few pictures of our amazing day...

Me and my guys right after the SURVIVOR LAP! :)

Samuel and his face paint, I thought this was very appropriate!

This is my granddaddy's HONOR luminaria! He is currently fighting Melanoma :(

My boys had been crying from my speech, this was taken during the silent lap after the luminaria ceremony...

...still smokin

2010-06-09T22:21:00.003-04:00

It has been FOREVER since I found a song that move me, and tonight I found that song. Every now and again you come across greatness, and that is what this song is. The message in the lyrics applies to everyone, not just husbands and wives....but also parents and children, friends, etc... If you are capable of loving, then you have been in this very situation. No exceptions. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE click the link below and listen to this song, you will not be sorry...

CLICK HERE TO HEAR- Start Somewhere

AGAIN...Please click that link and listen to the song.

Another great one is STORIES, and I think it really tells the story of my life.

I want my life back!

2010-06-04T07:11:00.006-04:00

Can you believe that BP idiot that had the NERVE to say, "I want my life back!" Oh my gosh!

Well mister BP bigwig, can you give the 11 workers who died in the explosion their lives back? I bet their families hate this situation more than you do.

Can you, mister BP bigwig, give all of those animals their lives back? What a horrible way to die, in a bath of oil. YOU, mister BP bigwig, should take a nice refreshing dip with all of those dead birds and fish. Nothing like the suffocating waters of the Gulf!

Mister BP bigwig, can you give back a sense of normalcy to the workers that are suffering from health problems as they clean your mess? Can you, mister BP bigwig, help their breathing go back to normal, or take their nausea away?

I say we use the BP bigwigs to plug the oil leak!

formspring.me

2010-05-31T01:49:00.001-04:00

You can literally ask me anything! :) http://formspring.me/holliehays

Long....

2010-05-31T01:40:00.009-04:00

It has been a while, so this bog is gonna be long and all over the place. :)

First off, today is my 11 year anniversary, and no one even said anything to me. Humph! ;) hehe Can you believe it, I was not sad or anything today? Go me! I didn't even remember it was my anniversary until I wrote the date down tonight.

Well I suppose that can lead into my divorce.

I went to divorce court last week, and it went okay. I remained strong, no crying all day- until Justin got on the stand to talk. In Ohio you actually have to get on the stand and be questioned by lawyers. It's retarded. Anywho, I was able to talk without crying. Then Justin got up there, they asked him where we got married, he answered Montgomery, and I lost my mind. I tried to not make noise crying, but ultimately it sounded like I inhaled all the air in the room, then I had that uncontrollable hiccup crying. So frickin embarrassing.

I was not crying about being divorced, I rather enjoy my free lifestyle now. I was not crying that Justin was officially gone, there would never have been trust there again. It was as if a flood of memories hit me at that point, and every detail of our relationship came to my mind. All the way back to our chat room talks, to our eloping, to our having Michael. It was so bizarre, I couldn't stop the flood of memories at that very moment.

I kicked myself the entire way home, because I truly thought I'd do better than that. But there is something about the quietness of a court room, and the eerie sound of chairs squeaking...it sends your mind running. Ah well, it's over now, and I couldn't be happier.

Let's move on to a more pleasant topic.

My kid brother started college last month and he has already tested out of Sociology! I am so proud of everything he is doing with his life. You go Sam! And Kathleen (his wife, my sis) started college this month! She is being a wonderful example to her kiddos! You go girlfriend!

I also recently did a photo shoot with Sam's family, you should really check out the photos on my Facebook. I am almost done editing them...but here is one of my favorites....

My mom and Steve want me to take their photos too, and I cannot wait. I have been wanting to shoot the two of them for some time now, and they are finally ready! Yay! It is about time, who knows how long it has been since they have had their photos taken. Sheesh.

We were have been super busy over the last few days, not just with the divorce and photo shoot...we had a ton going on...

Michael is finally finished with his play, I am gonna get the full video of it up soon. I will probably have to do it in parts on Youtube, we'll see. It is so adorable, I absolutely have to post it. Michael did such a wonderful job with theater, I hope that he will excel in it throughout the next few years. He has finally found "his thing!" Yay!

Here is one of my favorite play pics...

Be sure to check out the full album on Facebook, there are some really great pics in there!

We also went to see the new Shrek. The kids bugged and bugged, so we saw it on $5 movie Monday. I am glad I did not pay more than $5 for it.

The movie did not even come close the the AMAZINGNESS of the first three. The story line in this one was great, but the movie itself was not. The story was about Shrek getting sick of his life (being married with kids), so he signs a contract with Rumpelstilskin to have his old life back for a day. However, when he gets his old life back he realizes that he doesn't want that life, he missed being with his family. So, he goes out and tries to get his married life back. The movie ends with him at his kids' party, being jumped on by a million kids, be yelled at (DO THE ROAR!), and bossed around by Fiona...but he smiles and admits that he is exactly where he wants to be.

So, you can see, story is amazing! But I think that they had to keep the attention of kid movie-goers so they added all this unnecessary drama. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. I just would have gone about it differently.

We also had a cookout at Amy's house this past weekend. It was Mikel's 10th birthday, so she just had a bunch of kiddos over to swim and camp out. It was a lot of fun. I have not added those pics to Facebook yet, but here is one for a little teaser...

We also went on a night-hike at the Nature Realm in Akron. Again, I have not posted those pics, but here is a teaser...

You would think that we would slow down now, but that is so not the case. :-/

We have a some pretty big plans coming up...

This weekend we are having movie/dinner night at Amy's house. Then on Saturday we are going to Camp Carl, which is gonna be so much fun for the kiddos. It is completely free, you get to try it out! You should all come up! :-) Saturday night is a movie in the field at Franks (free!)....or possibly the drive-ins.

Then is Sunday (YAY!)...

95.5 The Fish w/ Len Howser will be at our church www.abt316.com . We are gonna be having a big kick off to summer, there will be food, giveaways, etc. You are all more than welcome to come. It is gonna be so much fun.

Then on the 9th I am taking the kids to Brimfield Elementary to watch the talent show. Plus I'm sure they'd like to see their old friends.

THURSDAY!! Oh Thursday! :) We are all dressing up in our Alice In Wonderland garb, and we are gonna hit the town showing off our costumes. You may call us freak, but we see it as eccentric! Here is who we are gonna be dressed as...

Samuel- Mad Hatter (again)
Michael- Cheshire Cat
Me- White Queen
Mikel- Queen of Hearts
Ethan- Knave of Hearts
Ellah- Alice
Amy- Tea Mouse (but she in undecided, she is also considering the Bandersnatch)

Here is a pic of Samuel in full costume....

I am so excited that I could just pee in my pants! :-)~

Then the weekend of the 12th is Relay for Life! We had fun doing it this year, but I am ready for it to come to a close now. The kids are still trying to meet their goals, so if you are looking to make a donation to a non-profit, please consider helping them. CLICK HERE for the link!

The kids will have their testing done on June 17th. It was originally scheduled for the 6th, but we switched it. I will be glad when that is over with too, testing is the official end to the school year, even though it is technically done. :)

After all of that we will start getting ready for ALIVE (alive.org) at the end of the month. Four days of praise and worship, Godly fellowship, seminars...it is going to be such a blessing and so uplifting. If you are going to ALIVE let me know, we will meet up and camp together.

It feels like summer is going to fly by! I certainly hope not, but it sure feels like it.

It has been really difficult going into summer without Lisa. I have watched dogs play in the water and that was Lisa's thing. I was finally moving on from that horrific day, then summer came. I miss seeing her clomp around in water, dig in her kiddie pool, and play "the water game" with us. :'( I just miss her...so much.

I'm gonna end on that note, because now I don't feel like blogging anymore. :'(

THIS OLD GINGERBREAD HOUSE!

2010-05-20T22:42:00.018-04:00

You are all invited to come out and watch Michael as Papa Bear in the Kent Children's Musical Theater (CMT) play- THIS OLD GINGERBREAD HOUSE! I took a few pictures tonight from their final performance, I hope the pictures make you want to come out on Friday night or Sunday afternoon (see flyer pictures).

If you know Michael, then you know he is quite a shy child. This new theater/drama life is a HUGE step for him, he has really come a long way in the three months that he has been in CMT. Now he wants to go to theater camps and even be in tap/jazz classes. I am not sure how much of that he will get to do, this lifestyle can be pricey, but I will most definitely try to give him everything in my power.

Okay, check out the pictures, and be watching for videos, I got some really cute ones! :-)

This is the fairy, lightning bug dance...all done under black lights. It really is beautiful to watch...

Michael in action! I am telling you, this kid is in the zone...

The cast sparkles on stage...

Look at all of these beautiful costumes...

Please come out and see this magical production!!! You will not be sorry watching my son come out of his shell....

A Childhood Gone

2010-05-15T01:25:00.002-04:00

Tonight I watched 20/20 and it was about a mother that shot 3 of her children, and was pregnant with another at the time. This story was also in Glamour...the mother is Diane Downs.

Anyway, the story would do small segments on other mothers that have killed their children as well. It also showed MANY interviews with a giddy Diane just days after shotting her own kids. Then it showed the heart-wrenching testimony of her 9 year old daughter that survived the gun shot, as she testified against her mother.

These shows are set off a gazillion emotions with me.

First I wanna kill these women that could do such horrible things. Then I feel sorry for them, and how pathetic they must really be. Then I cry for the children that are so innocent through it all. Then I get mad at the families that cannot see how bad off their relatives are...Diane Downs was NUTS, someone should have seen that. I just wish I could hug these children, and give them all the childhood that they should have had.

I fully believe that you cannot call yourself a women, let alone a mother, if you could do physical harm to your OWN CHILD. Or even emotional damage. Clearly these women were born defective, and without the natural woman/mother instincts that we should all have.

Mothers should be willing to DIE in order to SAVE her children, I know I would. Not kill her children in order to SAVE her own personal life and freedom that a child can take away from you. It is so disgusting. ARRGGH! I want to slap sense into all of them, or at least make it a federal law for these nut jobs to get their tubes tied. Just sayin.

I love my children more than I EVER thought you could love another a human being. When someone hurts them I get defensive, when someone helps them I am beyond grateful, and when someone loves them, I love that person. My children cannot have enough love in their lives, and anyone who wants to share their love with my boys will always be good in my book. I just wish that all mothers could see things clearly, and not allow poor judgment to take over and destroy the lives of innocent babies.

Okay, I will shut up before I say something about these women that I will really regret!

formspring.me

2010-05-10T16:00:00.001-04:00

ASK ME SOMETHING!! http://formspring.me/holliehays

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T23:46:00.002-04:00

Today was such a beautiful Mother's Day, I'd have to say the best one I have had in years...maybe ever.

We woke up and went to church, and the sermon was amazing (as usual). He spoke about the greatest example of selfless love (other than Christ) is a mother. That really touched my heart. We also got to watch a baby dedication, and it was so beautiful watching all these young moms and dads give their babies back to God, and make an eternal commitment to raise them according to His word. It made me want to pull out the pics of Samuel and Michael's dedications. <3 Seems so long ago... *sigh*

Every Mother's Day I sit and think about my boys' entire life...just like I do on their birthdays. I always think that the near death experiences (me), early births (both boys), incubator (Michael), iv's (Michael), feeding tubes (Michael), three day labor (Samuel), bili-blankets (Samuel), projectile vomiting (Samuel), hole in the heart (Samuel), prolapsed rectum (Michael), more kidney damage (me), weight gain (me), stretch marks (me), becoming a mom at 17, etc.... was all worth it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat! I love every minute with my children.

I also like to sit back and reflect on everything my mother has given me...and she has give n so much. It is hard really fathom her horrible childhood, 15 year marriage to a drunk, and being a single mom...and STILL meeting EVERY need and EVERY want. She worked her butt off for us, and still made time to be at all of our events. She is the strongest, most compassionate, loving woman that I know. She truly is my hero. Even after I was grown and had a family of my own, she was (and is) still there for everything that I need. She is the very definition of "best friend" to me. I wish everyone could have such an amazing mom!

Back to my story..

After church, we all went out for lunch. We REALLY wanted Cracker Barrel, but when we arrived, the wait was over an hour long...so we said, "Nah." We will just go there next week after church, when it is not a holiday. :-)

Golden Corral was next door so we decided to go there. It was packed, but you could get straight in, so that was a bonus. I usually don't care for buffets, no one does but the kids, but the food was really good today. They had a "brunch/lunch" thing going on- it was yummy.

Then we headed home for our routine Sunday naps...it was beautiful. I love Sunday naps, I am not sure why they are better than Wednesday naps, but they are!! [:

All in all it was such a wonderful, peaceful, happy, day- filled of family and love. I simply could not ask for more.

Hopefully the link below works, it is the album from Mother's Day.....basically it has the gifts my boys gave me, and my creative way to tell my mom Happy Mother's Day! Check 'em out...

MOTHER'S DAY PICTURES

Now I'm angry!

2010-05-07T18:45:00.004-04:00

Normally I do not let new stories get to me, it is like I care, but it does not effect me. You know? And sometimes, if you think about a story too long, it will start to become personal to you, or at least that is the case with me.

Anywho, I feel PERSONALLY effected by this news story...THE OIL SPILL. This spil is bound to hit my hometown (Destin,FL) any day now, and that infuriates me. I have seen God's beauty in the Gulf of Mexico, I have swam with dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico, I spent half of my childhood in the Gulf of Mexico! I cannot even imagine what the oil looks like in person, I am sure I would lose my mind crying.

My dad was a fisherman (still is), and I have been out on countless fishing trips, way out in the "deep sea." I love the childhood memories from those boating trips, and all the time I spent swimming in that beautiful water.

Now the government is placing bans on fishing and shrimping...and I believe with all of my heart that BP should be FORCED to pay every single fisherman that is without work right now. If you know fishing, then you know you only make money when you go out. My heart goes out to the countless men that are without work for who knows how long. It is a sad state of affairs.

And...and...AND...I do not even want to think about the poor sea life. :'( Their home is being destroyed more and more each minute. Way to go BP, congrats on all of this horrific damage!!

I can't talk about it anymore.

Beyond Happiness :)

2010-05-06T23:59:00.003-04:00

In the last year I lost...

*my home.
*my husband.
*my income.
*5 of my dogs.
*my trust.
*my kitten.
*my guinea pig.
*my best friend.
*my belief that there are good men.
*my new furnace (we can't use it, and ins. won't cover it).

I have been fighting cancer, been diagnosed with lung problems, trying to fight through severe back pain...I have discovered that Michael has a "suspicious nodule" on his thyroid, I learned that Samuel is living with a Right Bundle Branch Block and a Tri-Cuspid Leak...I received word from my granddaddy that he is fighting Melanoma. We are currently trying to keep our home, but the bank really wants to take it back. I keep doing for others, but continue to get stabbed in the back.

I could go on for days about what has happened to me in a years time, but I don't want to talk about that anymore. Let's face it, bad things happen to everyone, if they didn't- we would never learn. I feel like I have learned A LOT this year!!

Through all of the storms, I still have a smile on my face, and a lot to be thankful for!

In the past year I have...

*become much closer with my boys.
*gained a close relationship with Sam & Kathleen, and the kiddos.
*experienced true love from my mom and dad.
*been lucky enough to live in a house full of family, where it never gets lonely.
*built up friendships to levels that I never thought they would reach.
*learned how to let others help me.
*been blessed by God, every single time there is a need!
*accepted cancer as a part of my life, and I know someone is being touched by my story.
*learned what TRUE forgiveness is.
*become Hollie, a girl that I have never known until now.
*been smiling more.
*really enjoyed the small things in life.
*learned how to confront a problem, in a Godly way.
*decided that I want to have a worth that is "far above rubies."
*taken lemons and made lemonade!
*realized that home is not a structure, it is where the heart is.

I have also become so much closer in my walk with God...I know that my granddaddy with Melanoma is saved (which mean everything to me)...I found a church home that I am so thankful for...I have prayed to become the mother that God wants me to be, and I believe I am doing that everyday. I have laid on the fresh cut grass and enjoyed God's beautiful world, I have and listened to the wind whip, I have gone bike riding while making a joyful noise to God, I have watched animals work with their tiny hands, I have prayed over my children as they sleep, I have received freshly picked wild flowers from my boys, I have enjoyed God's creation in every way possible.

Again, this list is sooo long, you just got the Reader's Digest version. :)

I feel like you can choose happiness, or you can choose sadness- but wither one is a CHOICE. I choose to be happy. If you read the list above you can see all the ways that God has blessed me, what right would I have to not be happy? The true test is, can you be happy when all the bad stuff is happening? I can honestly say YES. I have reached a point in my life, and in my faith, when something bad happens I simply say, "I'm not gonna worry about this, God has a plan." You would be amazed how much your mood will change if you say that out loud every time you hit a bump in the road.

I suppose I have chatted enough for one night! I hope that you all read this and it makes you smile...and you share that smile with others around you. Remember, SMILES ARE CONTAGIOUS!

:-)

[:

=D

;)

(-8

Cinco De Mayo

2010-05-05T02:18:00.007-04:00

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone! Remember to stay safe on the roads tonight, please, for the sake of our children. I personally am NOT looking forward to taking Michael to theater practice in downtown Kent tonight, right in the midst of the college festivities. Hopefully the crowds won't get too large, or too loud until we are outta there!! :)

Mother's Day is this weekend and I cannot wait to spend the day at church with my family. We will go to church, then have lunch out together, then come home and do Bible Study...it will be a great day. I feel so unbelievably blessed and privileged to be the mother of two great boys. Do you ever sit back and really think about God's divine plan? I do. God specifically chose Samuel and Michael to grow in my womb, He chose to me to their mother, He entrusted their lives to me. He knew those boys before I ever did, and He knew their hearts, and He knew that I was going to be the one raising them! It boggles my mind!! I cannot think of any better gift in this world. In fact, the only other gift that tops that is Jesus dying on the cross to forgive our sins! God is so good to us, makes me wonder why it is so easy for people to turn away.

I don't just sit and think about how amazing it is to have my children, I also think of how God chose my mom just for me. I often sit back and observe my friends with their parents, and I never get a jealous feeling. I am always SO THANKFUL that I had my mom, that I was raised the way I was, that God gave me such a giving mother. Again, HIS divine plan amazes me.

Okay, enough about Mother's Day, we still 4 days!!

I have been thinking about the divorce a lot lately, and thinking about how much I do not want to go to court. I wish you could do this divorce stuff all over the phone. I just keep fearing that my emotions will get the better of me, and it will be viewed the wrong way. My lawyer will always say, "I know this is hard honey." when I start crying. What she doesn't know is that I am not crying over the divorce itself, I am crying over the 10 years of my life that I believed to be something other than what they were. I am finally feeling free about the divorce...and what I mean by that is, I feel like God has taken the guilt from me. I could not get right with it in my heart for a long time, I could never get right with my first divorce....I believe divorce is wrong. But, it was taken out of my hands, and after many sleepless nights, God took that burden from me. And I couldn't be more grateful.

Okay, enough about the divorce, we still have 16 days!!

To get everyone in the mood for Mother's Day, here are some of my favorite MOM shots...

Just Stuff.

2010-05-02T19:49:00.002-04:00

Today was another amazing day, PRAISE GOD! I absolutely love church days!! We got to sing MIGHTY TO SAVE today and that is my current favorite song. :-) Gives me chills. Here is the video, please listen to it, and really absorb the lyrics...

Amazing right?!?!

Okay, just wanted to do a little "life update" blog...

Things have been getting so much better here, I just cannot say it enough. We have (as a family) really learned how lean on God, pray together, and walk the walk together. It is so encouraging having the entire family lift you up everyday....and it is a blessing to be able to lift them up. Though I am human, and by birth a sinner, I serve a God that forgives me for EVERYTHING I do, and loves me, and blesses my life. It is an amazing journey that I am on, and I pray that all of you who are not on it will join me.

May is a busy month for us here...we finish up schooling, my divorce will be final, Michael will have his first theatrical performances, we have Relay fundraising to do, etc... I am hoping to keep everyone caught up through the blog, but I may get too overwhelmed, we shall see.

Here are the boys RELAY videos that they wrote themselves, if you are able to spread the word or even donate...GREAT!! Either way, please watch these two RENDONKULOUSLY adorable videos....

Not a whole lot of other stuff is going on. I do want to ask that all of my believer friends will pray for my divorce to go smoothly on May 21st. We have to go to trial on one issue, and I just want to remain calm, instead of becoming a blubbering idiot! (What can I say, I am an emotional girl!) Please pray for the entire day, not just the trial...I am sure it will be a heavy day for me. The divorce will be final as I walk out of the court room, and even though I am VERY happy ;) with my life now, I am still saying goodbye to 10 years...it is not gonna be easy.

On another note-

If you have anything you want to ask me, feel free to on FORMSPRING! It is a neat site where you can ask me completely anonymous questions that I choose to, or not to, answer. Nothing is off limits, but I have had a few questions that I chose to delete...for different reasons. Well here it is...

http://www.formspring.me/holliehays

A year today.

2010-05-01T19:33:00.004-04:00

This time last year I was crying, screaming, couldn't breathe, hysterical wreck! I came home to a note on my door that changed my life forever. My marriage of over ten year was over.

It took eight months for the crying spells to stop.

It took nine months to quit thinking I could not have guy friends.

It took ten months to realize that just because I was married didn't mean I was taken.

It took eleven months to quit walking around the house looking at memories.

It took twelve months to find myself and finally become happy again.

For a year now I have thought about how I would handle this day, and I must say, I thought I would be a mess. But I woke up bright and early and went to do a Relay for Life Fundraiser with the boys. Then I was so exhausted I came home and got a nap. Then it happened...

I woke up to hundreds of notes all over the house from my kids. All of the notes were funny, and a bit off color. There were semi-knocking the original note I got last May, but it was so hilarious. My kiddos crack me up. I have to say, that has been the highlight of my day! And I am so proud of myself for being able to have a sense of humor about things now...that is huge for me!

One note read (the one on my bedroom door, where the original note was)

Dear Hollie-

I am gonna go jump off
a cliff with Samuel or
something until my life
gets better.

- (hiding the name they signed)

They were all silly like that, but you have to admit, creative....and funny!

As if my day could not get better (seriously, not sarcastically)...my brother and his family donated 100 dollars to my Relay for Life goal...which means I met my goal!!! YAHOO! (Like they haven't done enough of something!!)

Thanks you Sam, Kathleen, Robby, and Andrew for supporting me and the American Cancer Society! Love you all more than words can express.

And then, on top of that....

My mom and dad bought a LUMINARIA for me, and that is so exciting. Last year I had 2, some people had like 10, it was a amazing! Luminaria lights our track at night during the Luminaria Ceremony, and they stay lit the rest of the night. It is beyond beautiful.

Thank you guys for making sure I had one this year!! I love you both so much! <3

And again...like it couldn't get better...

All of the kiddos that went fundraising today did such a great job, we sold out of candy before noon!!!!!! To top it off, they made over $400 dollars today! GO TEAM!

Yep, it was a pretty amazing day. And tomorrow I get to go to church and hear God's message, and spend some time in song and prayer! God is so good to me.

I'm all girl, whad'ja expect?

2010-04-30T23:10:00.002-04:00

Hi friends! More importantly, hi friends husbands!!! I need help! :)

Okay, since I no longer have a Mr. Fix It, I have to take care of things on my own, or with the help of my parents and kiddos. My family is a huge help, especially Michael, a future Mr. Fix It. And I must say, I am not too shabby, I can git-r-done.

Anyhow, we have come across a massive problem. (Probably not that massive, but to me, it is ginormous!) I hit a pot hole this winter in an unnamed friend's drive-way!

*ahem, Amy*

Right then and there I heard something dragging under my car, and I figured since it wasn't a dead body, I wouldn't pay it any mind. Sadly, over time, the dragging got worse, and I got madder by the day....but then I let go of the anger and have found the humor in it. I even make little songs out of the obnoxious sound it makes....and can you say NEXT EMINEM IN DA HOUSE?! ;)

I'm drifting...

So it turns out that the piece is just a massive grey piece that looks like it is covering the engine, or so my ten year old mechanic tells me. He was willing to screw it back into place, but he said the piece itself it is broken in half- of course right?!

My question to all of you gorgeous men (flattery will get you everywhere!) is, can I just rip this piece off without hurting my baby (the van)? Okay, if anyone out there has an answer please email me at hollieo@att.net.

Much love in advance! XoXoXo

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT!

2010-04-30T16:47:00.002-04:00

TOMORROW WE WILL BE AT THE KENT/RAVENNA WALMART AT 9AM SHARP!

We are selling candy bars again, so be sure to come out and get some! We will have CRISP, PEANUT BUTTER, ALMOND, & CARAMEL! MMM mmm! :-) Deeeelishh!

You can also purchase a luminaria to help light the track during the Luminaria Ceremony. A luminaria is a bag with a lit candle inside that has the name of a person who has passed from cancer, or a survivor....it will be with hundreds of others as it literally lights the night sky. It is a beautiful scene, and the public is welcome to come out and see it. The ceremony will be at the Lake Youth Football Stadium on June 12th, at 9:30pm.

If you can't make it our fundraiser tomorrow, please consider helping Samuel and Michael meet their goals, just click the links below.

Help Michael fight cancer!

Help Samuel fight cancer!

CELEBRATE! REMEMBER! FIGHT BACK!

Spreading Joy

2010-04-27T16:14:00.002-04:00

Things have really been going good today, so I just wanted to share my joy with all of you. (:

I have being throwing myself into Relay for Life to get my mind off of the dogs. Most of you know that my boys and I Relay each year with Michael's 1st grade teacher. Well, I was never really into it very much, but I did it for Michael because he loved it so much.

Last year I decided to walk the survivors lap, and go to the survivors luncheon...which I will admit, the were both enjoyable. What really got me was the Luminaria ceremony last year, I cried like a two year old who just got spanked on the rear end!! My entire life has revolved around cancer, and watching that ceremony was amazing.

I am so blessed to serve a God that has seen me through so many life struggles. He TRULY....TRULY is my rock! Someone asked me (after the Lisa tragedy), "How much more can your boys take?" I thought about that question for a long time, but you know what, this is not hurting my children, it is building their faith. I am so proud of them, I am so proud that they love God, and I know God is teaching them in all of these circumstances.

Back to Relay, I'm drifting here...

Anyhow, today I sat on the phone for hours and hours trying to get donations for our baskets. Then I called several different locations to ask if we could sell candy bars there. Relay literally consumed my day today, and it kept my mind in a more positive place. I praise God for keeping me busy and blessing me with something to do. :)

Before I forget...

If you want to donate to Samuel or Michael you can click the link below the video and it should take you to Michael's page...from there, it is easy to find Samuel...

Just so you all know, my boys have been working hard for Relay, so giving to them online does not in any way make them lazy....they have walked countless miles collecting door to door. They are dedicated.

Tonight Samuel has Jump Rope class, which I enjoy because Michael and I talk for the entire hour and a half Samuel is in class. Samuel is my talker, as I'm sure you all know, but when Michael and I are alone- wow- he chats my ear off. I love hearing him talk since he doesn't do it very often. Last week we talked about his acting, girls he liked, exercising properly, youtube videos, etc... Like I said, he talked the entire time...it was so cute.

Tonight I am sure all 3 of us are gonna talk about ALIVE, it is our favorite topic anymore. I'm taking my boys and camping out all four days at ALIVE, it is gonna be amazing. We cannot wait to hear good preaching, learn from seminars, and of course hear Toby Mac, Tim Hawkins, and Sean McNeill (our worship leader at church!!). It is gonna be a magnificent four days where we can really focus our hearts on God. I hope to see some of you out there- if you are going let me know, we can try to camp next to each other.

I also want to share with you all how blessed I am to have found ABT in Akron. This church has helped me to grow in ways I didn't even think I could anymore. It is a huge church, but the people really do get to know you, and they are all so friendly. I have heard NO GOSSIPING, which is a first for me, I have never been judged, even when I wear my comfy sweats to church, and I always feel like God is sending me each sermon personally. My mom and Steve are also going with me now, and they love it too. I have prayed for them to attend church with me for a while now, and I am thankful each Sunday they are there.

Okay, I will shut up now. I just wanted all of you to know that no matter how much it seems like a dark cloud follows me around...I don't let it get to me, because I serve a GREAT GOD, and He has never failed me, and never will. <3

Emotions running high.

2010-04-25T21:20:00.002-04:00

I have still been on quite the emotional roller coaster lately. I can't seem to let go of the images of Lisa on her last day, I get sick to my stomach thinking about it. I am living on Tagamet, just to try and stop the stomach pain.

I also have this deep feeling like I should feel bad that I put the other five dogs to sleep. I mean, they were nice and loving, and great dogs to have...UNTIL THAT DAY. But, I can't shake the image of them drenched in blood with their blank eyes, and my heart is filled with hatred toward what they did to my angel. I don't wanna hate anybody...or ANY ANIMAL. I feel like hating them is not being true to who I am, the vegan, animal rescuer, ASPCA supporting girl that I am. I dunno, maybe this will pass with time.

I also ended up racking up a $1000 vet bill that I did not know what I was gonna do. At this point, I was at a low point, and I just gave it all to God. My parents, my kids, and I just prayed, because we believe in giving it all to God. The next thing I know....Sam (my brother) and Kathleen (my wonderful sister-in-law) called me and said they would pay off our vet bill. When they said that, my heart melted, and I broke down and cried. Even though I have said thank you, I can't say it enough, SO THANK YOU SAM AND KATHLEEN! <3

My mom and I have been so emotionally drained that we have slept almost the entire weekend away. Steve has been wonderful taking care of us, and he has had the biggest burden to bear. He was the one with Lou while she went to sleep, and he was the one who stayed with each of the other five as they went down. So I cannot tell you how wonderful Steve has been, he is such a good dad, grandpa, and a great husband for my mom.

Today we woke up and got ready for church...still quite emotional. But church was great for us, because God always gives us the messages we need to hear. The title to the sermon was "Opening the Door to the Impossible." Here was some key points that touched my heart...

-God can do the impossible.
-Be content, no matter what your circumstance.
-God allows bad things to happen to teach us.
-The door to the impossible opens when we have learned our lessons.
-I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME! (Phil 4:13)

All in all it was such a good service, plus it was a baptism service, which was wonderful to see...and again...very emotional.

Then the pastor ended the service talking about a family in our church that lost their little 19 day old baby girl, Alana. The put up a picture, told her story, talked about the mom who had just planned Alana's dedication ceremony...it was heartbreaking. Then he said, no matter what you went through this week, it was not as bad as that. And that really hit me, because I did lose part of my family, I lost beloved pets....but that is nothing in comparison with losing a child. That has actually helped me put things into perspective, and even though my heart is still aching, my problems are not nearly as bad as that of Alana's family. I am so glad that my pastor shared her story.

So all in all I suppose I am starting to do much better, as is my mom and Steve. I would be a lot better if my boys were home. Both of them have been gone all weekend, and I don't get to see them until tomorrow afternoon. I think I am missing them more this weekend because of all that has happened. I just cannot wait to hug and kiss my babies. I love those boys more than words can describe, and I am so grateful to have them.

Okay, I will shut up now, I have been so emotional, I just had to write about it, and let it all out!

Tragedy

2010-04-22T13:58:00.002-04:00

I honestly do not know if I can get through this blog, but I will try.

This morning I woke up to my mom screaming for me. I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room, there was blood everywhere, it looked like a horror movie. My mom was trembling uncontrollably, and hysterically crying. That is when I looked down and saw the most gruesome thing I have ever seen...

My precious baby girl, Lisa, was laying on the mattress, soaked in blood (it looked as if she had been dipped in blood), and gashes so deep that you could see her bones and tendons. Her lips had been torn and were hanging from her hurt face. My mom was finally able to get the words out...

"The other dogs would not get off her, they were attacking her like a pack of wolves."

At this point I got numb, and don't really remember a lot of the next hour or so. My mom just stood there shaking and crying, my boys were laying in Lisa, covered in blood as well, trying to comfort her. She was not dead, but almost.

We began calling every vet in town begging someone to make a house call, since Lisa could not get up, and we could not move a 120 pound dog. While my mom and I were trying to get help, Steve came home and sat with Lisa and the boys. When they all began loving her and talking to her, she finally felt safe. All the other dogs were outside....AND NOT WELCOME IN OUR HOME!

Our dogs have always gotten along famously, and I honestly did not think they were capable of such cruelty. I don't know why they chose Lisa, she is the most docile dog we own. But when I looked out the sliding glass doors, the scene outside was just as bad as the one inside.

All of the dogs faces were covered in blood...some of them were covered head to toe. They looked like wild dogs, not domesticated dogs. The saddest part is, the two that had the most blood were Wendall and Lola, whom have always been Lisa's best friends. My heart was filled with hatred and rage toward them...something I have NEVER EVER EVER felt towards any animal.

During my evaluation of the situation, we finally got someone to agree to come to our house. He was a horse vet, but he was very polite and understanding of our hysteria. He looked at Lisa, head to toe, and decided that she had to be put down. :'( I can't stand talking about this...

My mom, Michael, and I left the room while he put her to sleep...Steve and Samuel wanted to stay with her. I asked Samuel not to, but he insisted, so I did not fight him. And he is glad he stayed, he told me, "I am just glad she is out of pain now mom." as tears filled his eyes.

We then asked the vet to look outside at the other dogs, and he agreed that they all needed to be put to sleep. He said the fact that they turned so quickly makes them "unpredictable" and therefore unsafe to be around the other pets and my children. I think all dogs can be unpredictable at times, but I have never seen the world's sweetest dogs turn so quickly and so violently.

We are leaving in 20 minutes to put down the 5 that attacked her. It is going to be hard, since they were family for so long, but if you had seen my blood covered house and yard, and a half eaten dog laying on the mattress, you would do the same thing. So today we say goodbye to Lola, Wendall, Fergie, Bootsie, and Helga. And while this will be hard on us, we know we have to do it. But it does not even compare to losing Lisa the way we did, she did not deserve that at all.

I am worried about my mom, she actually witnessed the fight and was desperately trying to break it up. She just wails and keeps repeating, "How will I ever get that image out of my head?" She needs prayer for peace, she is hurting so bad. I am sure watching a dog be killed is the worst thing in the entire world, and I am so sad that she saw it happen to her beloved dog. :'(

There will never be another Lisa. She would lay on the couch every night and have "conversations" with my mom, and I actually think she was "talking" to her. She would get up next to Steve and do "smacky lips" and gently kiss his face. When she was feeling overwhelmed with love she would go get a king size quilt and suck on it until she fell asleep with it in her mouth, like a pacifier. She would run out with the boys to play the "bubble game" and the "water game." She will be missed more than words can explain. I love her so much, my whole family loved her. :-( Goodbye princess, goodbye Miss July, goodbye LooberDoober, goodbye my love.

Happy Birthday Michael!

2010-04-20T22:09:00.002-04:00

My boys are growing up so fast, and I just cannot stop it- no matter how hard I try. :'(

Today is Michael's 10th birthday, and I still call him my baby. It really does seem like yesterday that I was in the hospital being rushed to the OR to deliver my newest angel.

Michael came early, just like his brother, but his birth complications were far worse. I had the emergency cesarean, and the quickly took the "blue baby" out of the room. Justin and I did not get to see him for a little while.

I will NEVER, EVER forget the first time I laid my eyes on him, I just thought quietly to myself, there is my little miracle. He was in an incubator, hooked to IV's, and breathing machines, and even had a feeding tube in. It was the saddest thing ever. But, through the the gas, past all the tubes and tape, I saw those little blue eyes and I loves him more than anything.

Seeing Michael was so much harder for me than seeing Samuel. When Samuel was born, Joel cut the cord, the nurses cleaned him, and the I saw him for the first time while Joel was holding him. He was chubby and pink, the ideal looking baby...no tubes, no IV's, no incubator. When Michael was born I had those same expectations, but I have learned that you cannot expect anything with childbirth. It is painful, long, exciting, and unpredictable all at once.

Ten years since I have given birth, I keep saying it, and it still doesn't seem real. I am so thankful to have my boys today. They both have some health problems, but God is taking care of them. And, for the most part, they are happy, healthy, normal boys. I love them more than any words can describe, I could write about my love for them all day, and it would not do it justice. God has entrusted me with these two miracles, and I thank Him everyday for that. I love being their mother.

Birthday's are always hard on me, because I cannot help but reflect on the past, and try to predict the future. I go through pictures and think about every step of their lives, from their first steps, to the first words they read, to their first crushes. I just sit back and soak it all in on their birthday, and I try to imagine the men they will become, and the kinds of lives they will lead. I am so proud of them, and I know they will both do great things.

Okay, now I am getting teary, and this is supposed to be a happy blog about Michael's birthday. I better shut up.

RELAY!!

2010-04-20T21:47:00.002-04:00

I have been seeing purple Relay shirts everywhere I go! :-) How exciting is that? Please take a minute to read this short blog about our involvement with Relay for Life.

First, please watch this video that my little guy made. He wrote the top 5 reasons he Relays and he wanted to share it with all of you...

Next, please visit the Conkle Caravan website and consider making a donation. My boys are desperately trying to reach their goals, and if you click on their names (SAMUEL BARTON AND MICHAEL OLESKY) you can help them meet those goals! You can donate as a little as $5 on the American Cancer Society's SECURED website....

CLICK HERE FOR THE CONKLE CARAVAN PAGE!!

If you are curious as to why we Relay, you can read my cancer story...

CLICK HERE TO READ HOLLIE'S STORY!!

And finally, we would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see you at one (or both) of our fundraisers. Here are the dates and locations...

MAY 1st at KENT/RAVENNA WalMart from 9am-3pm

MAY 14th at BRIMFIELD WalMart from 4pm-8pm

**We will be selling Relay Candy Bars, and possibly baked goods.**

If you have been one of the MANY families that has been generous on our door to door fundraising...THANK YOU, from the bottom of our hearts. We live in a great community, and we could not do it without all of you!

NOW LET'S GET MOVING A MEET OUR GOAL, AND GO WAYYY BEYOND THAT!!! :-)

A gay time at the park!

2010-04-13T22:32:00.002-04:00

Most of you know that I am a VERY conservative, right wing Christian, so none of this will come as a shock to any of you. :) And if you don't know this about me, now you do!

I had to tell you that because I am sure this little story is going to offend some, but I don't care, I speak the truth as I believe it, so here goes...

I took my boys to the park in Stow (with all the bright red equipment) with Sam, Kathleen and their boys. There are always teenagers with no life hanging out at the park, so when we pulled in and saw half a dozen teens, we were not shocked.

Sam and Kathleen stayed in the car (it was chilly out and Sam was reading), but I decided to go sit and listen to the kiddos play. I love watching kids interact, and I am talking all ages, it fascinates me. Tonight was my lucky night, because I hit the jackpot of teenage interaction.

Two of the boys, I am guessing about 15 years old, were an openly gay couple. First of all, 15 is too your for couples anyway, but come on, openly gay at a children's park?! I was ticked, would have been more ticked if my kids had been younger.

We are 100% against the gay lifestyle. I am by no means a "gay hater," I love all people. I hate the gay lifestyle, it is a sin. I know a lot of you would argue that is a sin just like lying, but I do not see it that way. Got destroyed an entire city for being gay...he didn't do that is cities where there was lying. God calls homosexuality an ABOMINATION, that is one powerful word to chose. The Bible also says that homosexuality makes God nauseated!! So yeah, I am against it. I do not hate the sinner, I hate the sin.

Back to the park...

These two boys were not flirting with each other in a way that males and females flirt, it was vulgar and disgusting. Like I said, I observe the behavior of children everywhere I go, it is something that I intelligently speak about. This particular behavior was so far from normal.

Usually teens will have potty mouths at parks, and maybe try to push some boundaries, but nothing like these two. The boys were playing tag with a group of friends (all girls), running throughout the equipment, past little 4 year olds and their parents, they were extremely rude- and all of that was aside from their unthinkable sexual behavior.

Next thing I know, one of the boys gets tired, and lays down at the top of the slide. He props his legs open, and up on the bars. Then he begins breathing heavily, as if he has not exercised in 5 years. It was at that point that things got really bad.

The other boy was at the bottom of the slide, he looks up to the boy with his legs in the air, and shouts, "YEAH BOY!!" Then he begins to climb up to get in between his legs. Now mind you, there are parents and children everywhere, but of course, no one will say anything, it would not be politically correct. However, if it had been a straight couple, parents would have jumped all over that. If I haven't learned anything else in the world, I have learned that moms at parks look for reasons to call the cops out.

I was just about to wrap things up, because I simply could not take anymore of this, it was making me sick to my stomach.....when Samuel fell and got hurt. I bet you can't guess who was by his side first??!?!?! That is correct peoples, the two gay kids. One of them was walking around Samuel, panting as if Samuel had been shot or something...the other was touching his knee to see if he broke something since he could not get up. All I could think was, "Please get those gay kids away from Samuel before I hurt someone!!"

I picked Samuel up and carried him to the car (yeah, he is heavy, 110 pounds heavy, but moms can find their strength when they need to). After he told me he was okay, he said, "Mom those gay dudes touched me." I burst out laughing, which was probably not the best response. BUT....if you had seen the disgust in which he said that, you would have laughed too! :)

I am sharing this story just to let you all know how very sad I am at the changes in the world. I know that God is allowing things to move quickly, and I know it will all be over soon enough and in His perfect time. But living through this world of hate, and filth, and greed, and gluttony, and "whatever feels good" is making me sick. I almost wish that I had lived during a time when America was more focused on God, and lived according to His word, and a time that cherished families, and wanted children to grow up to be decent, God fearing adults...not this new age way of allowing them to grow up expressing themselves.

The world is so sad right now, and so many are blind to it, and it is in our own backyards. :(

Homeschooling :)

2010-04-04T19:54:00.003-04:00

I am writing this blog from my heart, and my personal convictions. I am not looking to start anything, so please, no negative comments. This is just my opinion, and I thought I'd share it.

When my kids were younger I homeschooled them, and they were intelligent, well behaved, properly socialized children. Their state standardized test scored were well above national averages. They had deep relationships with God. And, my boys were all well socialized, I made sure of it. I hate that argument anyway, please don't get me started.

After pressure from everyone around me, and my kids pushing for it, I allowed them to go to public school. Biggest regret of my life. In the third grade kids were talking about sex, how their teachers had sex, they were cussing, and mocking God. My kids slowly became brats that I could not stand. They were lying to me, which they had never done before, and they were "embarrassed" of their Christianity. This was all a shock to me. I could tell that my kids did not want to be a part of that world, but they were stuck at this point.

I KNOW, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God does not want His children being influenced by those worldly views for 8 hours of their day. Would Jesus send His child to public school, I highly doubt it. A place where we cannot even mention His name.

After two years in public school, I felt so blessed when my kids got accepted into a top rated Christian school. I was finally at peace with sending them to school. Now, private school does not mean you are without problems, kids are still kids, but it is managed better. The biggest selling point for me was that everything was Christ centered. The children prayed before the day started, they prayed when there was a need, and they studied God's perfect word.

Christian schools are nice, especially if you can find a good one. However, they are unbelievably expensive. We were barely scraping by when I was still with Justin. Once he left us, I slowly began to drown in school debt. So I started thinking, would Jesus want me to pay every dime I have to tuition, and let the rest of my bills go unpaid? I doubt that.

Eventually, God took it out of my hands anyway. Samuel was diagnosed with some more heart issues, and he was getting chronic illnesses when he was around other icky kids for 8 hours a day. He was missing so much school, I was forced to pull him out this year, and homeschool. I left Michael at the private school, but that proved to be too much as well. I know it was God's had forcing my decision, which is fine, since I want to raise those boys according to His perfect plan for them. After the 3rd quarter, Michael too joined our homeschooling team.

The world is our classroom. Doesn't that just sound beautiful. My kids now learn from worldly experiences, as well as text books. We try to make everything a learning experience. Plus the kids are keeping up with their extracurriculars, like music, theater, and computer class. It is amazing what one on one teaching will do for a child. And in all reality, I am raising those boys with the conviction that God has placed in my heart, I believe that is the way He always wanted it. God does not allow us to borrow his children to let someone else raise them, He chose each parent specially, and I feel beyond blessed to be Samuel and Michael's mother. :)

As far as the social issues go, my kids have so many friends. We have "play dates" at least 3 times a week, plus they have church, and their extracurriculars where they see friends. That is all I am defending myself there, because this notion that homeschooling means sheltered aggravates me.

Some verses that will prick your heart about homeschooling...

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.

Jeremiah 10:2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.

And my favorites...

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

1 Corinthians 15:33 Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.

Next year my kids will not be homeschooled, at least not technically. They are enrolled in a virtual academy (k12.com) that gives each child individual education plans based on where they are at academically. Samuel will start 8th grade and Michael will start 4th. This particular school has projects that they get in the mail and must complete and send back, they offer all of the typical classes for high school and middle school, they offer field trips for the kids to meet up and play with each other, and they have a teacher that they can call or email at any time. Plus they have to actually meet with other kids to take the yearly state standardized tests, which I think is awesome!

In my opinion, this is the nest of both worlds. My children are getting a "typical" education by state standards, while hearing about God's love at home. My kids will also have more freedom to me involved in even more activities next year. Michael has really become interested in drama and the arts, so I am supporting that as much as possible. I hope to keep him with an acting group year round. Samuel has shown a great interest in programming and learning computer skills, which I think is great. My brother is currently teaching him that stuff, he owns his own business, and is in college right now...they let him CLEP/test out of almost two years of stuff because he has life experience in his field. How great would that be for Samuel? :) As far as physical activity goes, Samuel is planning on fencing, and Michael will probably choose swimming. They can both go into the actual workout area with me when they are 12. Yay!

Again, I am not looking for comments or opinions or anything. I am simply sharing what God has laid on my heart. I felt this conviction before my children where even born, which is amazing since I was only 17. But, slowly, I allowed everyone else to pressure me, and talk me into something I was uncomfortable with. I am grateful that God forced things to turn out this way, of course, I probably should have just obeyed the first time. It was almost like I was saying, "Yeah God, that sounds great, but did you hear so and so's opinions on public school? Sounds pretty good to me." God just simply allowed me to learn my own lesson, and I did.

I am finally comfortable again. :-)

He's ALIVE!

2010-04-04T18:03:00.002-04:00

I went and saw him in concert wayyy back when I was a teen. This video was shot even before that. However, the song still sends chills down my spine and brings me to tears. Believe it or not, this very song has helped me through almost all of my problems in life, it has never been just an Easter song for me. :)Please listen to the lyrics and allow them to soak in.

Michael fights cancer!

2010-03-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

Ask Away

2010-03-16T23:19:00.002-04:00

Okay peoples, here is your chance to really ask me anything you have ever wanted to know about me. It is completely anonymous- so ask away.

CLICK HERE TO START ASKING!

BTW, this is a super cool site, you should really consider making one. What a great way to really get to know people.

Keeping friendship sacred.

2010-03-14T17:35:00.003-04:00

I am totally copying and pasting this, because it moved me, and I hope that you all read it. Friendship is so important, and you should always talk through problems and resolve them. If you feel like you cannot "get along" well enough to hang out all the time- that does not mean that you should give up. Just take your time with that friend, and let the pieces (gently) fall where they may.

I am all for women helping women, women not betraying other women, basically keeping the sisterhood strong. A friendship is just like a marriage, it has many ups and downs, but you should never give up on it, and always try to make it better. I cherish my friends, those that I have talked to since I was a tot, those that I have only known a few days, those that I have had major fights with, those that have betrayed me, those that I have betrayed, all of them....my heart is half family, half friends. And remember, you choose your friends, so you WANTED this person in your life,always remember what brought you two together. Again, just like a marriage, during the rough times you think back and remember what made you two fall in love, and remember that you wanted it.

How to Confront a Friend

Relationships posted by Erin Davis on 09/06/09; 12 comments

We've spent the past two days exploring when to confront a friend. I hope you've come to the conclusion that confrontation isn't something we should rush toward. God's Word gives us clear guidance about when confrontation is wise and how to prepare our own hearts before choosing to confront.

But if confrontation is necessary, how should we proceed? During my research for this post, I was amazed to realize just how much guidance is offered on this issue through God's Word. God clearly knows that relationships can get messy, and He graciously gives us clear instructions for how to confront our Christian brothers and sisters.

Here are five guidelines taken from Scripture to use when confronting someone you love.

Make sure it matters

When it comes to relationships, the stakes are simply too high to use confrontation without caution. That's why I spent so much time outlining the biblical evidence for when to confront. Honestly, I was more interested in subtly pointing you toward discovering when not to confront your friends. Some fights are simply best left unfought.

Second Timothy 2:23 puts it this way: "Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels."

Did Paul say it clearly enough? If not, famous western author Louis L'Amour said it this way: "Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut." Paul and Louis are making the same point. There are some words, especially those that have the potential to be hurtful or cause arguments, that are best left unspoken.

If you're not sure how to know if a confrontation is worth it, check out point #2.

Pray before you confront

Girls come to me all the time wondering how to handle a difficult situation with a friend. I usually ask, "Have you prayed about it?" They look down, shuffle their feet, and usually say something like, "Yeah ... uh ... a little," or "No, not really."

Praying about a potential conflict may seem like a simple solution to a complex problem. But prayer has power that our words to each other never will.

Let's revisit James 5:16: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Prayer leads to healing, and God's Word promises that our prayers have power to effect change. Don't head into confrontation without blanketing that conflict in prayer.

Follow the Matthew 18 model

Matthew 18:15–17 says, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."

After carefully considering the issue and praying through it, if it remains clear that there is sin in your friend's life worth confronting, follow these steps.
Go to your friend one-on-one, and talk through the issue privately.
If she does not listen, go back with the help of one or two additional Christian friends.

If she does not listen, enlist the help of a church leader. Your pastor or youth pastor are the most logical participants in this step.

If she does not listen, put some distance in the relationship. Did Jesus love pagans and tax collectors? You betcha! (In fact, He still does.) Did He shun them and have nothing to do with them? Nope, but they weren't His BFF's. If you've followed the steps presented in Matthew 18 and your friend continues to hold on to her sin, some space would be wise. But I would encourage you to continue to pray for her to change her life and repent.

That's enough to chew on today. I'll wrap up this conversation in tomorrow's post. Be sure to check back then to see the final two guidelines for how to confront a friend.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear from you. Have you ever confronted a friend? Did you do it well or not? In hindsight, what mistakes can you see that you made? What advice would you give other readers who are considering confronting a friend?

PART 2

Be patient and gentle

There's gobs of evidence in Scripture that how we approach our friends with their sin is of great consequence to God and to our relationships.

Second Timothy 2:24–25 says, "And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth."

Second Timothy 4:2 says, "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction."

Galatians 6:1–2 says, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Ephesians 4:2–3 says, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

Colossians 3:12–13 says, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and early loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another."

Forgive

The rest of the above verse goes this way, "Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" (Colossians 3:13–14).

Once you've approached your friend about an issue, forgive her. Don't hold on to the hurt. Don't be angry or resentful. Forgive.

But what if she keeps messing up?

In Matthew 18:21–22 Jesus gives this answer to that question. "Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"

God never gives us permission to ditch our friends because they are sinners. There are times when it is necessary to place boundaries in our friendships to protect our own hearts or steer clear of negative influences, but that's not the same as clinging to anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness. Once you've confronted a friend, let it go. Forgive her. Tough to do? Definitely! But Christ is our model. Praise God He is so free to forgive.

Being a truth speaker is often difficult business. No one likes to be called out on their sin, and our first reaction to conflict usually isn't pretty. But because of your love for your friends and your allegiance to God's truth, I encourage you to be open to the fact that sometimes tough discussions about sin are necessary. God never gives us permission to go around judging others, putting their lives under a magnifying glass or dishing out condemnation. But He does encourage us to hold each other accountable and to do so with gentleness and love.

Just in case...

2010-03-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

You haven't seen it yet, or received one of my gazillion messages....here is the video of the kids on the news again! :-)

Alice Pictures

2010-03-06T18:00:00.008-05:00

This is only like 1/3 of my pics from the night, but I wanted to share them with my non-FB friends. If you wanna see 'em all (Kim and Kristy!!) get a FB and add me.

Anywho, we went all out for opening night, and we walked into the theater like rock stars. We went to Tinseltown in Macedonia and saw it in 3D. It was the bomb diggity yo! ;)

Samuel (as the Hatter) kept getting asked for pictures, it was so cute. He totally felt like he famous being attacked by the paparazzi. We also had Johnny Depp (Ethan), The Red Queen (Mikel), and just a funky Tim Burton-esque movie goer (Michael). It was such a fun night, and I know the kids will always remember every single detail from that night. I believe in living with no regrets. :-)

Okay, click to enlarge photos, and remember, add me on FB to see all of them! :)

On a completely different note, I am still sick which is why I haven't done in thoughtful blogs. I will, when I can. It took EVERYTHING in my to go to the movies with the kids, and even then, I coughed the whole way home- even with breathing treatments. But, like I said, no regrets, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. But now I am going back to sleep. ;)

And thanks for going Amy, we really do bring the party wherever we go!

Sick of being sick.

2010-03-02T22:26:00.002-05:00

I really am gonna blog again one day. Hopefully soon. But, if you don't know, I am seriously ill right now. I have been sick for 3 weeks, but it got really severe over the last week or so. I went to the ER yesterday, and then my doctor made me go back today. I have bacterial bronchitis. Yesterday they did an xray, breathing treatment, and put on Z-Pak (I had been on 875 mg of Augmentin for a week before). However, the breathing got worse today, and my doctor wanted labs run, and fluids run. So, the ER did both, and a repeat xray. The xray is worse today, showing collapsed airways, and prominent nodes (that my cancer doc needs to evaluate). The doctor also said it shows "smudge," which just sounds lovely huh? Anyway, it is fair to say that I feel like death, so please pray for me...my health, and that I will be able to get back into my life (of school and motherhood!!) soon. The docs are convinced that I will be much better by tomorrow since it will be 3 days into the Z-Pak and 3 days on the breathing treatments. I will let you all know.

Just pics/vid

2010-02-12T00:41:00.036-05:00

I thought everyone would like to see the new pics. I still have to add the December pics, I have been lazy about it, but I have good stuff. Anyhow, I will add all February pics to this blog, so be sure to check back for more every week or so. :-)

Upcoming Blog Titles-

~December/January make-ups (sorry it is taking so long)
~Facing Reality (a blog about America's children)
~The Problem w/Faith Today (a blog about why Christian's cut off their nose...)
~Double Standards (I have so many issues with this)
~More on CULTS (a continuation of my previous cult blog)
~Parenting 101 (a blog about how stupid parents are anymore)
~Relay for Life 2010 (find out all the details, and join/support us)
~Homeschooling (my point of view)
~Forgiveness, and never having enemies. (a conviction on my heart)
~LCCS Open House (just a blog to showcase Michael's school)
~HAYS IT (I want to explain the fam biz in detail)

And many more, so don't quit reading, I am just getting started!!!!

Piercing Debacle

2010-01-28T23:22:00.002-05:00

[CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE]

When I was 13 years old I decided that I wanted my nose pierced. My mother was fine with it, but I had to do it myself. So I sat for hours with ice cubes pressed against my nose trying to numb it. I placed the ring in the perfect spot, went to pop it through my nostril, and couldn't do it.

I let it go over the years, and didn't really pay it much mind.

Then around 23 I started wanted to get my nose pierced again, but Justin hated nose piercings so I never did it. I didn't want it to gross him out, and he said they grossed him out. But secretly I dreamed of piercings- it is just part of the artsy fartsy family I belong to. :-)

Over the years Michael and I have bonded with our bizarre style. He has been dying his hair since he was 4, he got his first piercing at 6....he loves all of that stuff. Many of his clothes are from Hot Topic, or the retro clothes from Goodwill. I love having this bond with him since Samuel is such a typical child, with boring style. (We bond over different things, but fashion is not one of them.)

Tonight I went in my room and pierced my nose (and no, it didn't hurt). I was so excited when I went into Michael's room, I KNEW he would love it. I figured Samuel would be upset, he doesn't handle change well. Boy was I wrong in this situation.

Samuel was upset, but he was mostly upset because of how hurt Michael was. When Michael saw me he said nothing, which is weird for him. I smiled and asked if he loved it!!?? He said, "It's fake, I know it." I told him it wasn't, then he quietly went to lay in his bed. Next thing I know, he is crying so HARD that he cannot even catch his breath. I went in to see what was wrong but he would not talk to me.

I gave him space, sometimes Michael needs space before he can open up.

About thirty minutes later he came into my room and sat on my bed. I asked him if it was the piercing that was upsetting him like this, or something else. After all, he is sick right now, so it could have been anything. He said it was the piercing.

This is so different than the Michael I know. :-(

Then he blurts out that someone that he hates has a nose ring and he didn't want me to be like that at all. I was heartbroken, I had no idea. I said, "Michael all you had to do was tell me and I would have taken it out that second." He was happy to hear me say that. And ultimately I did take it out, because he does not need to be hurt anymore than he already has in the short 9 years he has been here. I am not going to screw with his emotions, I love him, and I want him to be feel stable and comfortable with me.

We will revisit the nose ring issue in a year or so, when he feels more stable. Who knows, by then he may want something weird...and then I will have the "you can if I can" leverage. :-)

♥ sick.

2009-12-28T23:57:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, Samuel was born with two holes in his ♥ that were repaired one month after his second birthday. Since then, he has had a few spells of chest pain but nothing super severe. And, all EKGs and Echos were normal. So I just brushed off his chest pain- not to mention his cardiologist made me feel like I was being an overprotective mother.

During the last two years Samuel has had a GREAT deal of trouble with his breathing. So, reluctantly, I take him back to his cardiologist a year ago. His EKG is no longer that same as it has been for years, so we did an Echo follow up. Samuel has what is called a "Right Bundle Branch Block." The cardiologist said it was his "normal," and that I should not worry about it. So, again, I let it got.

About 6 months ago the breathing problems were really starting to bother me. Samuel does have asthma, but mother's instinct told me that this was more than asthma. I called the cardiologist again and made an emergency appointment.

I could see the the doctor was annoyed that I was back, he thought I was so paranoid about Samuel's every move. If you knew me, then you know I am not! That kid has broken every bone, he has had to have his lower ear stitched back on, he is mister testosterone- the very definition of male.

Before I could get two words out of my mouth the doctor (and I use that term loosely here) told me that Samuel might be depressed. I could feel rage kicking in when I was picture myself holding his head down on the floor with a hot cow brander thingy. Nothing sets me off quite like the words, "it might be depression." AHHH!!

I remained calm and patient for Samuel's sake, but I wanted to squish that idiot and his little pea sized head. Please don't ever think that a medical degree qualifies you to be a doctor...case and point here.

I calmly said that Samuel was not depressed, I know what depression looks like, and it isn't blue lips after running one lap in PE. I was very adamant about Samuel receiving an Echo. So doctor Seuss ordered one, but he was not happy.

When we got back in the room to get his results, doctor Seuss came in with his tail tucked in between his legs. He sheepishly told me that Samuel has a new finding on his ultrasound since last years.

Along with the Right Bundle Branch Block, Samuel now has a Tricuspid Leak. The cardiologist, and his all knowing powers, and ginormous God complex, quickly said that it was no big deal and let us go. I was mad. Samuel is showing clear symptoms and now has evidence to prove there is a problem- and this wee little man is allowing his pride to get in the way of treating my son.

My mom and I brought Samuel home, who went straight to get a nap, since sleeping is his favorite past time anymore. We researched Tricuspid leaks and it does not look good. In fact, it looks bad.

I ended up emailing a top cardiologist at Nationwide Children's in Columbus. This doctor emailed me back in less than 48 hours, and told me that Samuel DEFINITELY needed to be looked over- this could not be ignored. She said at the VERY LEAST his idiot doctor could have preformed a stress test to see why the trouble breathing increases so much with activity. She also said that the leak needed to be measured to see if it should be repaired, since it is mixing the blue and red blood. So I am planning on taking him there to be looked over and evaluated.

I wanna do a big, fat, "naa naa nuh boo boo" face at his doctor while I shout, "I was right and you weren't!" I'm telling you, a mother's intuition is something that NO ONE should mess with. I know my babies inside and out, and if something is wrong, you better believe I will be the first to see the change in them.

Okay, let me calm down, I don't need to stay mad at that "doctor" forever.

On the flip side of all this is an eleven year old boy who is terrified to have another open heart surgery. All he wants is normalcy in his life, he wants to do jump rope team w/out have to take a break after EVERY trick. It is actually very sad.

So what are we doing to ease the fear in him? Prayer. We believe that God will not give us more than we can handle, so I know Samuel will be okay. We also believe in miracles, and God could close that hole, and take all of Samuel's fear away. We have prayer warriors at church, school, in the family, and even friends...so no matter what, we KNOW that God's will will be done in this situation. And we always accept God's will for our lives.

Samuel is a faithful servant of God, and his health problems never shake his faith. I am so proud of him, because not all children can be that strong. I speak from personal experience, I never lost faith being diagnosed at 14, but the journey was not easy. This is not easy for my baby, but I feel like the biggest blessing in the world is my comfort in knowing that he is saved, and truly loves God with all of his ♥.

Christmas is almost over.

2009-12-25T22:06:00.002-05:00

I have so much to say, so please be prepared to read- grab some coffee and a cookie or two, go potty, and get in your comfy clothes- this is gonna be a long ride.

First things first, I have been promising a TSO blog, so I am gonna talk about it first.

Sam and Kathleen bought us tickets to see Tran Siberian Orchestra with their family, for a Christmas gift. It was an amazing gift. The house was full of hardcore fans, the cheering was louder than a Cavs game, and the show was spectacular.

When we arrived we were only expecting a great performance musically, but TSO can put on a show like no one else I have ever seen. The pyrotechnics and rock-n-roll feel was perfect. There were lights everywhere, laser beams, disco lights, strobe lights, and even huge fire flames to light the stage. I must say, the fire came at the perfect times, just as we started to get chilly, the flames would engulf the stage and we would warm right up...it was crazy beautiful.

The members of TSO were the most talented performers I have ever seen. The guy playing piano would spin around as he rocked it out, the guys on guitar and bass tore it up, and the AMAZING drummer showed the entire audience how drums are supposed to be played. But the one member that stood out above all the rest was the girl from England who rocked the violin- she played it in ways I didn't even know you could play a violin. She was a fireball of energy, running all over, being lifted into the air, running through the audience, and even playing the violin above her head. When she pulled her bow back you could see hundreds of tiny threads that had been broken from the intense playing- it looked like a pompom streaming down from the bow. This girl had talent, and if Samuel was older, I would have tried to marry him off right then and there. :-)

I cannot thank Sam and Kathleen enough for the night, it was perfect. I have pictures that I will post in my "strictly pictures and videos" blog tomorrow. Be watching for them.

Now I want to cover our Christmas holiday.

When the kids got out of school on Friday, things were beyond hectic- we hadn't even decorated the house yet. The kids and I, along with my mom and Steve, got crackin on decorating, preparing for Christmas dinner, and finishing up shopping. Nothing will take the Christmas spirit out of you quite like a trip to WalMart the week before Christmas. Grrr. I tried to not run the kids ragged, so we took time to have fun, we went swimming at the YMCA and had family movie nights.

Christmas Eve was a long day. I only had Samuel, Michael went to Justin's house. I did talk to Michael throughout the day, and he said he was having fun. He said he got "tons of gifts from dad and Tina." So he was excited. He also went to Justin's mom's house for gifts, he got even more there. What a spoiled child, but I love every inch of his spoiled butt.

Samuel and I finished up some shopping, we had to run to the Bible book store and the toy store in Kent. Then we spent the rest of the day enjoying a nap, some conversation, and some television. It was a peaceful day.

When Michael got home we did our traditional "one gift" on Christmas Eve. Samuel got a remote control car, Michael got a robot hand and umbrella hat (yes, he asked for both), I got a homemade flower pot and candle, Steve got the DVD "The Case for the Creator," and my mom also got a robotic hand as an inside joke. Then the kiddos and I watched the Grinch and we all went to sleep.

Christmas morning was not so peaceful, Michael was waking up the whole house. He must have come into my room a dozen times within a half hour time span. I love his excitement, he cracks me up. As I have said in previous blogs, we have a new outlook on Christmas, and new traditions since I am living a new life.

My kids get one new gift, a homemade gift, and they put together a gift for charity.

The homemade gifts were so much fun, it is by far my FAVORITE new tradition. Michael and I made fleece tie blankets and pillows for my mom and Samuel, and we made Steve a Bible plaque that has 1 Cor Ch 13 on it and a personal message on the back. My mom and Steve did portraits for us, my mom drew them, Steve picked out the themes. I will have pictures up soon, I was so excited about these. Michael is the only one that will not have his complete by New Years since he has requested a cast of 20 in his portrait. =D But he is cool with waiting as long as it is EXACTLY as he wants it. Samuel played music for everyone, and it was beautiful. He learned MARY DID YOU KNOW (all of our favorite Christmas song) and put his own twist on it...watch for the video, it was beautiful. Before he played that for us, Michael read the Christmas story from Luke Ch 2 while Samuel played piano lightly in the background, it almost made me cry. I also will put up a video of that tomorrow.

For the charity gifts we decided to make boxes for the soldiers and send them out. We are almost done with them, now we just gotta pack 'em up and ship 'em out. I cannot wait for this, we are gonna do it completely anonymously, so they can just enjoy it without feeling the need to send anything back. We are so grateful for all they do, and just want to bring them some joy while they are stuck in such desolate areas.

On to the NEW gifts. Steve got gifts cards, my mom and I got purses that we REALLY wanted, and the kids got a scavenger hunt. Okay, the scavenger hunt was not the gift, but Michael and Samuel sure had fun doing it....it could have been the gift. This is gonna be one of our new traditions. I taped an envelope to their door with the first clue, and I had clues all throughout the house. The kids were smarter than my mom and Steve, who were stumped by a few of my clues. :-) The sounds of the kids reading clues out loud, and laughing was so special to me. I was so thankful that they were enjoying their "new" way of celebrating Christmas. Ultimately the kids were led to a card that gave them a specific amount of money they could spend, by the time it was all said and done they got a lot of money. They both had gift cards from Justin's mother, and the both had money from my mom, plus what I gave them. They were excited. The kids are getting older and they have more fun buying their own gifts, that is why I chose the money route.

In the end, we only spent like a quarter of what we used to spend Christmas, and I think we had even more fun. Turns out money cannot buy happiness, who knew?! ;-) This all began because I had no money, not after everything I have been through, but in the end we enjoyed it so much more. Sounds miraculous huh? That is because God works in miraculous ways.

After we were done with gifts my mom and I made a delicious Christmas dinner. This is thanks to kind people who have helped us out. Let me explain.

We have had people give us food, and many people offer us turkeys- and we appreciate it all. Then, when no one expected it, Michael came home from school with twenty dollars to help pay for Christmas dinner. As it turns out, his school was having a contest on who could use twenty dollars to help further God's Kingdom more. Michael entered and never even told us. I was so surprised when he won. His letter said that "we could use the money for Christmas since we don't have much money anymore since dad left the family." Of course his version was written in crayon and had tons of misspellings, but I cried and cried when I read it. What a special little guy to think of that when he entered. So we did have a delicious Christmas dinner, and I pray that God will use us to further that blessing in some way- to pay it forward.

Right before we ate, we all stood in the kitchen holding hands while Samuel prayed over our food. He thanked God for allowing us to be together on Christmas, he prayed that everyone would remember Jesus' birth today, and he prayed for nourishment from the food. It was such a heartfelt prayer, he is such an amazing kid.

Once our bellies were full, the kids and I watched a movie on T.V. and then laid down for a nap. Ah, the nap, I heart the Christmas nap. <3

When we woke up I took the boys to the skating rink- yes, they were open on Christmas Day. Th place was filled teenagers and I was the only parent. Samuel did not care though, he got out there and tore it up. He loves skating just as much as his momma did when she was younger. Michael on the other hand opted out of skating. He was too intimidated by the teens, he is gonna skate on Christian night, January 5th. He did have fun with his glow stick wand thingys that he bought, what can I say, he is easy to please.

Skating, wow, I am gonna have to dive into that a little bit...

First off I just wan to say that skating never changes, or at least it hasn't since I started skating in 1983 and the young age of 3 years old. :-)

The rink was filled with tweens and teens, all hormonal and flirting with one another, and saying things that they would never say if their parents were there. But as I said before, I was literally the only parent there.

Now, skating never changes, you will always have those that can do it, and do it well...those that want to do it well...and those that should just keep their walking shoes on. However, the kids have definitely changed since I was in my skating heyday. For one, apparently girls do not have to wear clothes anymore, they can just go skating nude if the wish. When I went skating is all about the Mossimo, No Fear, and other brands of clothes that I cannot remember. Now the rules posted on the door is "No texting or cell phones while skating," instead of "No gum chewing while skating." And when I went skating we didn't have the luxury of texting, oh no, we anxiously awaited a "beep" on our beeper so we could skate over to the pay phone and call back whoever it was that we told to beep us before we left home. Just as long as that beeper went off we felt good about ourselves. Oh, and I cannot forget, we always ordered Slush Puppies from the snack bar- you will be laughed out of town if you order anything other than one of those popular "energy" drinks now. I suspect that is because they feel like they are a Rockstar while drinking Rockstar. Also, when I went skating kids believed in hygiene, now you are allowed to leave the house without a shower or deodorant. And apparently, no one cares that YOU SMELL FUNKY. Well, no one except my kids, who loudly ask me, "Who smells like onion mom?" I just hang my head in sorrow and answer, "Everyone son, everyone."

But all in all it was like a flashback for me. Cliques surrounded me, all being loud so they could be heard- never listening to anyone else. Fat kids were teased. Kids who fell were laughed at. And everyone was "asking out" everyone else. Apparently there is a lot of 10 speed Schwinn, Happy Meal dating going on.

That concluded our day, we came home and the kids went to bed, and here I am, blogging.

I have few more things to say before I shut up. I want to thank whoever gave Michael the two, large, blue gift bags at school. We really needed those items, and I wish I could thank you personally, whoever you are. But thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have also received a few other items anonymously this Christmas (like the DVD Ferris Bueller), and I thank all of you who were so generous this season. Again, since I don't know who sent what, I am just taking this time to thank you from the bottom of my heart. And the words "Thank You" are not enough, but please know that I sincerely mean it. My boys also thank you.

Okay, I have to go get my boys packed and ready to go for tomorrow. Please look for my picture/video blog- it should be up after the kiddos leave tomorrow.

I hope you all had a blessed Christmas and enjoyed your time with your family. Every single day is a gift, and you should not let any pass without making new memories.

Love you all!

It must be the holidays.

2009-12-04T13:30:00.003-05:00

Holiday stress has arrived. However, I am determined to NOT let it get me down. I am having money troubles, just like every other Tom, Dick, and Harry in the world. I am now officially 2 months behind on the kids' school payments, haven't paid for Samuel's orchestra, Michael needs his TRIBE money by January 15th, and of course, this year (first time ever) the school cannot afford to pay for the 6th grade week long field trip at Beulah Beach, luckily, that is only 100 more dollars. I don't know what I am going to do. I have to go and humiliate myself and beg for mercy, and more time to pay...before they kick my kids out. And the financial person goes to my church to boot, so how embarrassing is that? But like I said, everyone is financially struggling, I am just one of the thousands- er, millions.

On a less depressing note, I am finally starting to feel better. Yay! :-) My Synthroid is finally starting to kick in, and hopefully suppressing the cancer until I can get to the big wigs to come up with a game plan. Once my divorce from Justin is final, I will be without insurance, I am out of options. Believe me, I have applied everywhere, and I have had no luck. So please, prayer warriors, pray for a door to open so I can have health insurance. It is not just a simple luxury for me, or even a back-up in case something happens...it is a life line for me. Once I go without insurance my cancer will be considered a preexisting condition, and we all know that is not good. It won't just be my cancer either, it will also be my back problems and kidney problems. Like I said, prayer warriors please add this to your list.

But I am blessed because Michael will continue to have insurance through Justin, and both kids will have Buckeye (state insurance). That is a huge blessing, since they both have to be seen for ongoing medical conditions. :-) See, it isn't always bad news.

Okay, like a said a while ago, I have changed our view of Christmas, let me explain. When I began going through this divorce, God starting convicting my heart on a lot of issues. This has been one bumpy road, but I believe the outcome is His perfect will. It is not going to be easy, but here goes...

I heard someone say, "Jesus only got three gifts, why should I get more?" Wow, powerful words. A better question would be, why should you get gifts on Jesus' birthday at all? We have never done Santa, so my kids always knew the gifts were from us. Also, we made it clear every year that the kids UNDERSTOOD what the true meaning of Christmas was. So I feel like they are pretty grounded, but they were not prepared for my new plans.

Christmas with me will now be ONE new gift. Trust me, my kids are spoiled, one is more than they need. And there are kids everywhere that get nothing. We will also be making gifts for one another, we have already started. My mom and Steve are teaming up, Michael and I are teaming up, and Samuel wanted to do his by himself. So that now makes their gift total THREE. But they get a fourth gift, and I believe it is the most important, they get to but a gift and donate it to a charity of their choice. Be it a robe and slippers for someone in a nursing home, or a toy for a child who has nothing, or clothes for the dear people living at the Haven of Rest. I know in my heart that this will be so beneficial to them one day.

Volunteering is something we will begin doing on Christmas (or Thanksgiving on the years that they aren't with me for Christmas). I am hoping to find somewhere for us to serve food, or stuff boxes, or simply entertain lonely people in nursing homes. I have put out some calls, hopefully I hear back soon. If you know of anywhere that needs Christmas Day volunteers, please let us know. It's time to pay it forward. God has blessed us tremendously, we have a home and food, and each other, and even a Bible to read (many people don't have that luxury), so we just want to shine His light in this world.

I know that what I am doing is EXACTLY what God wants for Samuel and Michael- and even my parents and I. We live in a world that is I WANT I WANT I WANT, that mentality stops in our home now. We WANT to give, we WANT to love, we WANT people to come to know Jesus....we WANT to lay up our treasures in heaven, not on this earth.

I am not sure how much more blogging I will be doing before Christmas, but I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas, filled with the joy of Jesus' birth. I would also like to invite you all to the Christmas play at our church, I have heard great things about it. It is on December 20th, at 10:30am, and I will be there, with ears ready to listen to what the spirit has to say to me. Check out the church website at abt316.com and you should be able to see a preview of it.

Goodnight dear friends. Remember, when God closes a door, He opens a window. Never forget that.

(By the way, a week after we lost Dwight, our guinea pig died, of old age...I believe. He was about 10 years old, and couldn't really get around too well anymore. He died peacefully in a warm room, being watched over by mom and I all day. I know he felt loved when he went, and I know his old body doesn't hurt him anymore. We rescued him several years ago from an abusive owner, I am thankful for the MANY happy years we were able to give him. Losing animals is so hard, especially when you are a freak about them like I am, but human life is so much more important, and while I cry for a time over my pets, I am thankful to have my healthy family.)

Dwight 2/24/09-11/28/09

2009-11-28T18:26:00.017-05:00

My Dearest Dwight,

I love you so much, that love will never die. You came into my life at the perfect time, and you listened to me cry for hours when Justin left our home. You would sit with me and purr, you would lick me, you had such an unconditional love.God made you just for me.

When your brothers and sisters moved in with us in May, you accepted them all, as if you had never left them. And as much I love your two sisters and your three brothers...you were special to me. I remember bringing you into our home at 5 weeks old, and you were so frightened by every sound. It didn't take long for you to trust me, and we quickly became partners in crime.

Every single day when Justin and the kids left for school you would run and jump on my lap and drool while I did my school work. Some days, you wanted so much attention that you would lay on my keyboard and demand that I give you 100% of my undivided attention. Which I always gladly did, anyone would have caved to your cute little face.

It wasn't long after Justin left that I decided your entire family could move in with us, as therapy for the boys and I. And wow, what therapy your guys were. You not only kept us on our toes, but also the dogs. I loved watching you go out into the living room as a teeny little kitten and demand that the dogs move so you could lay on the couch, and 120 pound, great dane Lisa, complied with the rules of a 2 pound kitty. Clearly you had a sense of humor.

I wish every cat in the world could have the life you have had, one full of love. There was never a night that we spent without you until this week. You would not come home when I called and called. Why didn't you come home? It was so cold. I went outside at least 6 times, midnight was the last time, and you still didn't come back. This was not like you at all, and I stayed up and worried all night. Michael missed you terribly, he is so used to cuddling with you and Nelly at night. Samuel wasn't even here to say goodbye. How could leave without saying goodbye to those boys, who loved you unconditionally?

What happened to you that night you were gone? Where were you? Did you just get so cold that you got pneumonia? Did you get hit by a car? These questions are killing me. When you did come home, I noticed a difference in you, but I had faith that my strong baby boy would pull out okay.

Today, when I saw you laying in the living room, sickly, I scooped you up gently and brought you to my bedroom. I enjoyed our two hour nap together, you looked at me in the eyes, and I know you felt loved and safe. I also thought that I could "love" you out of whatever was wrong with you. When you slowly got off of my bed and went to lay on the floor, I just thought you were hot. So I decided to run to the store, a decision I will always regret.

When I got home, I walked in my room and saw a suspicious fluid all over the floor. I lost it and called your grandma Lauri and grandpa Steve in my room to help me find you....you were not in sight. Steve found you curled up under my night stand right next to my bed on the cool, hardwood floor, it was as if you were trying to get away from the warm carpet. I am so sorry I was gone and not here to help you.

When Steve looked at me my heart sank, there was a sadness in his eyes. I know that you were glad to see your family, and I know you heard me crying, but that was just because I wasn't ready to lose you. Steve said that you would gasp for air, then about 30 seconds later you gasped again. By this time I was frantically trying to get you into the vet so you didn't have to be in any pain or suffer. The vet agreed to see you in 15 minutes.

Steve gently place you in your bed and we surrounded you with familiar smelling blankets. Once I sat down next to you in the car, I screamed at Steve, because you were gone. Your little chest had collapsed, and your were no longer moving. The entire ride there I continued to pet you and love you, and plead with you to breathe. Why wouldn't you just breathe for a little bit longer?

When we got to the vet, they confirmed the worst, and I didn't want to believe them, I never thought you would leave me. You helped me through some of the roughest nights in my life, I talked to you like you were my family...and you were. How could you go? Why didn't you just come home that night? Why did I go to the store today instead of staying by your side? I am so sorry Dwight, not that sorry means anything now.

When I left the vet I called your two brothers, and they were devastated. You remember how they would come and get you every night, they feel lost without you. They loved calling you DWIG instead of Dwight, and I think you secretly liked the bond you had with them. They are mostly sad that they were not here to say goodbye. They boys will also miss you scratching at their door every night when you were ready to fall asleep.

Your birth siblings are all very confused, especially CallieAllie. She was your bestest friend since birth, and she keeps sniffing were you last laid in my bedroom, I think she is lost without her favorite brother. And I know you don't really remember this, since you were not fully conscious at the time, but CallieAllie and Sylvestor spent about 15 minutes licking at cleaning you, and then CallieAllie just laid her head next to you and stayed there.

Dwight, I loved you from the first minute I saw you, just a day after your birth. I will always remember you. And, I pray that God will bring you back to me in heaven.

Forever and longer-
Mom

Dwight's life in pictures, may he rest in peace and be pain free. :-(

Give thanks, with a grateful heart.

2009-11-25T23:34:00.008-05:00

Okay, those are just some random photos, mostly of Samuel's 6th grade luncheon. Didn't he look hot? My baby is growing up so fast. I also added a few pics (courtesy of Pam Ruflin, thanks friend) of Michael's first chess tourney. The other one is just a silly pic of me and my guys at home.

Anywho...off to the real blog stuff now...

I have received a lot of emails asking me how court went, it got rescheduled. Justin's attorney did not show up, so now we go back on December 31st. Sorry I have not answered all of your emails personally, I am still not back to my old self, and there was nothing really to tell...so I thought it could wait. I know you all understand.

I am almost 2 weeks back on my meds and just now starting to get some relief. It has also really hit about the INCOMPLETES that I had to take this semester :-( due to the health problems. I am still not sure I can even go next semester. I guess that will be something for the surgeon and I to decide on December 31st. Even though I am upset that I have missed so much schooling (and even stuff at the kids' school), I am grateful that I am feeling a little better. Baby steps.

I have a Christmas shindig that I am going to on December 11th, I hope that I can actually make it. I love getting all dolled up, but only time will tell if that is realistic for me. I also get wear my pretty clothes to the Christmas play at church on December 20th...and I have heard it is amazing. I guess the drama team is going all out. You are all invited to come, check out the church website at abt316.com.

I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow, I only have one kid, but that is okay. I will have both kiddos on Christmas. :-) I have a lot to be thankful for, so here is some of my list, I could go on for days...

I AM THANKFUL FOR...

*my salvation.

*the two wonderful boys that God has entrusted me with.

*my parents that go above and beyond what I need or ask of them.

*my relationship with Mindy and my brother being repaired.

*God showing me why my marriage ended, and giving me peace.

*my animals, I know that God uses them to help me through my cancer stuff.

*a roof over my head and food in my kitchen, so many people do not have that.

*the kids being able to attend LCCS, every month when I think I am going to have to take them out, God helps me find a way to pay for another month.

*finding a church home that believe the Bible the same way I do, and they are not judgmental, or gossipy, and they continually uplift me.

*having friends that I can call on when I need to talk.

*my medical problems, because I know God has a plan for my life and He is using me.

*having a car to drive.

*having lots of pillows and blankets to keep me warm at night.

*my freedom.

*the gifts that God has blessed me with.

*uplifting, Godly music.

*103.3, that always helps me through bad days.

*second hand shops and thrift stores, if it wasn't for them, we would not have clothes.

*clean water to drink. Sounds so simple, but I am thankful when I have clean water, not all areas of the world have that luxury.

*books, not just readers, but also The Good Book.

*the internet and cell phones, so I can stay in contact with friends and family that I have not seen in years.

I could seriously go on all night long, God has given me so much. When life gets me down, and I feel like I am sinking, I think of how many people in this world that have it so much worse than me.

There are people that will be sitting alone tomorrow with no food, there are children that will be happy to get served a meal at a shelter with parents, there are children that know this will be there last Thanksgiving as they enjoy whatever the hospital has prepared for them, there will be nursing homes full of people that are just hoping to get a call from family members but it probably won't come, there will be parents that are telling their families why they are thankful for the last time because they have just a short time left on earth, there are families so caught up in the gluttony of it all that they forget to even sit back and be thankful for what they do have.

I keep singing this one song over and over again...and the one line that pops out and makes me want to cry is...

Give thanks, with a grateful heart
Give thanks, to the Holy One
Give thanks, because He's given Jesus Christ
His Son

Is the wait driving you crazy?

2009-11-13T19:43:00.003-05:00

The much anticipated update. :)

Okay, I am gonna try to not talk in technical terms, because I realize that not everyone speaks doctor. Only the lucky few get that privileged (Dawn, Deb, Pam, etc..).

After 6 weeks off of my meds, we were allowing my tumor markers (blood counts) to rise, to make sure that there is still active cancer in my body. And as we knew already, there is. This year we tried a new form of iodine for my scan, since I am fully immune to the old form of iodine used. However, iodine is iodine, no matter how you spin in, and the scan showed nothing. Again, as we suspected. But the new scan (and I mean brand spanking new technology) was kinda cool. Plus, they let my mom sit in the scan room the entire time with me, which was super nice.

The doctors have been wonderful this year, truly a blessing. They do not have a defeatist attitude that doctors in the past have had when they no longer know how to treat me. They are willing to turn ever stone to find the cancer.

Now, my PET scans (a different, stronger scan) continuously show nodules in my lungs and medistinum (above lung, in chest). The question is, which nodules are the ones that are active cancer, and which are benign? Or are they all active? I will be having a PET scan now, to determine if the nodules have grown, this will be very accurate since we have many previous PET scans to prepare it to. I will have the date for that on Monday.

I also have to go see a surgeon on December 31st. Since the cancer is a very aggressive thyroid cancer, the endocrinologist is hoping that he can find it. Maybe some fresh eyes will give fresh perspective. I have had this problem before in Florida, when my endo could not find the cancer and quickly gave up. BUT, the radiologist INSISTED that it was there, and sure enough, fresh eyes found it.

This is a common problem in America with thyroid cancer patients who do not follow book standards. The doctors simply do not know what to do with them. Especially if radiation is not an option. Luckily, there are a handful of endos that have dedicated their lives to thyroid cancer alone...one of them is Dr. Ain who heads up a lot of the thyca.org events/conversations and whatnot. We are going to contact him, since I am a severe case, and possibly travel there...once I get all of my testing done here.

Ultimately it is in God's hands. If He wants us to see Dr. Ain in Kentucky, he will make that clear to us, or, he will open the eyes of the doctors here (as he has been doing) and we won't have to travel. Either way, I have to have faith now. And if you want to pray for me, please pray for patience and peace. As many of you know, the wait is the hardest.

I also wanted to share something with all of you. Often times people do not take thyroid cancer seriously, because almost all patients get it once and it never spreads past the thyroid and never comes back. But for the few of us that have aggressive thyroid cancer, we never really have good options, because there is no definitive answer on how to treat. But here is a link to show you what cancer.gov shows you about RECURRENT thyroid cancer. This is all doctor talk, but if you really wanna know, then it is a great source.

As far as school goes this semester, I am going to have to take am Incomplete in both courses, I still have way to many tests to finish out the semester. This upsets me more than anything, I really thought I could do both, but it turns out that I am not Superwoman. :-( All I want to do is graduate.

Okay, I guess that is enough for y'all to take in for one night. Have a nice weekend everyone.

SEVERELY SWOLLEN FACE, A LOVELY SIDE EFFECT. JEALOUS?

BEFORE RADIATION...

RECEIVING RADIATION, THE PILLS HAVE ARRIVED IN THE BUILDING....

AFTER RADIATION, HEHE...

HOME TO COLLECT MY URINE, MM MMM...

BACK TO NUCLEAR FOR DAY 2...

THE DOC ARRIVES AND PLACES ME IN A STRAIGHT JACKET?! ;-)

I SWEAR THAT THING JUST MISSED MY NOSE...

OKAY, THIS IS RANDOM, BUT IT WAS THE PRETTIEST WATER DOUGHNUT I HAVE EVER SEEN...

What an interesting shower...

2009-11-04T18:55:00.002-05:00

So tonight I get in the shower, close the door, and look down to see a cat in there with me. Too late to let her out, I am getting a shower now. Our shower curtain has 12-18 inches in the middle that is clear, so I could see her at all times.

At first she jumps on the toilet lid and keeps tilting her head at every move I make, it was cute. Then curiosity got the best of her.

She slowly makes her way over to the "other side" of the shower, where she thought there was no water. This little girl is so stupid, she jumped in. The minute she felt water she meowed at the top of her lungs, jumped out, hair standing straight up, and began to lick herself as if she had just been violated by a large male cat.

Once she was dry she jumped back on the toilet lid and began to meow at me. I kept saying, "no," but cats do not understand that word. Or, I should say, they choose to not understand it. So she decided to jump on the bathroom vanity and knock hand soap, toothpaste, dental floss, and many other things into the sink and onto the floor. The looked at me, like, "are you ready to get out now?"

So I get out, dry off, and go straight to the door to let her out. BUT NOOO!!! She clawed me wanting to stay in. So I gave in and sat her back on the floor. She jumped straight up to the vanity, knocking stuff all over again, and meowed at me for five whole minutes until I could pick her up. What a brat.

This is the last time I let a cat stay in the bathroom. My dogs would just calmly lay on the mat and patiently wait for me to finish...not a peep, no destructive behavior. Dogs are just big dumb animals that are willing to do anything to please their owner. But not so with cats, you have to earn their respect, and things WILL be done on THEIR terms. :-)

I just heart animals. <3

Odds and Ends

2009-11-02T18:00:00.008-05:00

Just a quick blog with some random pics. I was super duper sick today, keep counting the dates. Anyways, FB friends have already seen these, but I know a lot of you don't have FB.

NEW PHOTO IMPORTS....

JUST A CUTE PIC OF MY GUYS...

THIS IS SAMUEL'S FIRST CONCERT OF THE YEAR...

THIS PIC IS FOR MINDY, I DRESSED HANNAH UP ONE NIGHT...

THIS PIC IS FOR MINDY! :-) IT IS RACHEL'S FIRST JUMP ROPE CLASS...

Silence in our home.

2009-10-31T18:11:00.002-04:00

Every October 31st our home is quiet and peaceful. Why you ask? Because we do not celebrate the secular holiday, Halloween. Let me be clear...

We do NOT celebrate Halloween.

We do NOT celebrate All Hallows Eve.

We do NOT celebrate All Saints Day.

We do not do costumes, or anything of the like.

We do not attend fall festivals on the 31st.

We do not accept churches that try to go against Halloween by having kids dress up as Bible characters (this is the worst offense for me).

Obviously I am VERY adamant about my feelings for this holiday. I do not like all of "spiritual roots" and "scaring the dead away." In my book, it is evil, and I cannot make it right. Believe me, when I had kids, I wanted to celebrate, but every year I reread my literature and I know I am doing what is best for my kids.

I grew celebrating Halloween until I was 10, that is the year my mom became convicted, and we never celebrated again. And truthfully, I didn't care. My kids are older now, they have read about some of Halloween's historical roots, and they have NO DESIRE to be a part of that.

Michael had to go into a Halloween store with his dad this week, and he spent the night crying about all of the "evil stuff he could not get out of his head." There is nothing quite like a child's conviction, it is powerful.

I encourage you all to read the historcal background of this pagan holiday. Maybe you too will have nice, quiet October 31st family nights. :-)

For more on Halloween, click the link below, Wikipedia has nailed it, well, it says the same stuff that my books say. :-)

HALLOWEEN LINK

Thyroid Ick Explained...

2009-10-28T21:46:00.002-04:00

Okay a lot of you keep on asking me what are my symptoms and whatnot. Well, quite frankly I am too sleepy to write about it and can't think long enough to explain it. But, some really great people who have been there, wrote silly songs about what we go through. I am gonna copy and paste them for you to see...keep in mind, they are funny, but EVERY symptom is true. And it really isn't funny while you are living it.

SONG ONE

This one goes out to all you Hypo-ites out there. Sing it to the tune of "The Twelve Days Of Christmas". A-one and a-two....

In the first week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
the need for a really great nap.

In the second week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the third week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the fourth week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the fifth week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
FIVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
Four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the sixth week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
six pounds of weight gain,
FIVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
Four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the seventh week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
seven days of dry skin,
six pounds of weight gain,
FIVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
Four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the eighth week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
eight constipations,
seven days of dry skin,
six pounds of weight gain,
FIVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
Four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the ninth week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
nine aching muscles,
eight constipations,
seven days of dry skin,
six pounds of weight gain,
FIVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
Four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the tenth week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
ten frozen fingers,
nine aching muscles,
eight constipations,
seven days of dry skin,
six pounds of weight gain,
FIVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
Four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and the need for a really great nap.

In the eleventh week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
eleven memory lapses,
and I forget the rest...

In the twelfth week of hypo hell
my symptoms gave to me
twelve temper tantrums,
eleven memory lapses,
ten frozen fingers,
nine aching muscles,
eight constipations,
seven days of dry skin,
six pounds of weight gain,
FIVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
Four bouts of weeping,
three seafood cravings,
two migraine headaches,
and THE NEED FOR A REALLY GREAT NAP!!!

SONG TWO

Hope you enjoy it. Sing it to the tune of "The Camptown Races". It's goes something like this. A-one, and a-two....

ThyCa patients sing this song,
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
ThyCa listserv's five miles long,
Oh, the doo-dah day.

See them chatting 'bout the foods to eat,
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Low-iodine diet - most do cheat,
Oh, the doo-dah day.

Goin' to crave all night!
Goin' to crave all day!
I can't wait for a ham and cheese.
Weight gain, go away!

When you're hypo, you're brain's in a fog,
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
All you wanna do is sleep like a log,
Oh, the doo-dah day.

It's isolation time for me,
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Drink and pucker, puke and pee
Oh, the doo-dah day

Goin' to glow all night!
Goin' to glow all day!
The room's decorated with plastic wrap,
Wonder how long I gotta stay?!

THIRD SONG

Oh, My Rear, My Big Fat Rear
Imagine Julie Andrews and the Von Trapp Family Singers going hypothyroid…

Oh: my rear, my big fat rear

Hey: this hypo isn't fun

Me: a shame - I’m not myself

Fog: my brain - it cannot run

So: I think I’ll go to bed

Blah: to bloat and wallow so

Tea: something to warm my head

That will bring us back to HYpo, HYpo!

Okay, these were copied courtesy of Megan's website... thyroidcancersongs.com ! Megan is no longer with us, but I am thankful for the songs she wrote to uplift all of us.

Bragging on family...

2009-10-22T22:08:00.001-04:00

Just taking a minute to let everyone know that my little bro started his own computer company. I am so proud of him. If you need IT services you can totally trust him, he is wicked smart. He was a little computer prodigy when we were kids. Trust me, I am not just promoting it because he is my brother, but because he is THE BEST at what he does and he won't screw you over. Check him out...

Click here to see his site!!

(Way to go Sam!)

No, my blog isn't broken!

2009-10-08T19:31:00.025-04:00

I got a text today, from an unnamed friend (Kim), who asked me if my blog was broken. Teehee. That next text, along with the many FB messages, and one personal stop in Wal-Mart, I decided I would blog again.

Every single night I sit down and start to blog, but I just have been so off of my game. You all know that I enjoy writing more that anything (well, ahem, except photography)- so you know I must REALLY be down if I am not regularly blogging.

I am not even sure where I left off with my life, so I will just start blabbing, skip down if I am repeating myself.

I am currently off of my Synthroid, which is the medicine that suppresses my cancer from growing. I have to be off for 6 weeks in order to get the necessary scans to try and pinpoint the cancer. Most of you know that my cancer came back in 2008 believe...uh, wait, maybe 2007?! Not sure. Anywho, radiation and chemo are not options for me, if you wanna know why just ask. So that leaves surgery. Well, when it first came back it was so small that it could not be found on scans, I am HOPING that it can be found now. We are guessing that it is in my chest area, not lung, just below the shoulders on tissue in my chest. And like I said, that is just a guess.

During the next six weeks I will slowly become more and more exhausted, and forgetful. Luckily it is only for a short time, I think I can manage. Lord knows I have MANY, MANY times before. We are trying to rush through all of this so I can get any treatments needed before I lose my insurance. :-( Justin has to keep me on the plan until the divorce is final, and I am so grateful for that law. But once we are divorced I am just one of the millions in America with no health care.

I am still praying for Social Security to come through for me, that would guarantee insurance. That is my only hope since I do not qualify for medicaid, only my boys do. My doctors are ALL fighting to get me approved, they all know how important it is. I have an amazing team of doctors.

As if all this wasn't enough, I am trying to get through the semester. I have to email my professors and let them know what is going on, especially in a few weeks when my mind will really be effected by this. Right now I am just trying to stay afloat. I know I can do it...I am determined.

Samuel went to the immunologist today, and we got news. Not bad, not good. He thinks it is necessary to rerun the blood work to see if he needs shots again. He also said that Samuel's asthma and breathing patterns have gotten a little worse- so please pray that the new meds will help his breathing become more normal. He is freaking out at the thought of shots.

This Saturday he is going paint balling with his youth group (he is so grown up). I am super worried about it, talk about dangerous. I am sending padding, and his rescue inhaler, and TONS AND TONS of drinks- so hopefully he will be okay. They are going to be an hour and a half away....and gone from 8am to 6pm. Ahhhh!! Parenting decisions suck.

Michael has really been having a great school year. He has actually become chatty in class...and if you know Michael, you know he never talked.....NEVER. I am so glad he is coming out of his shell. I think school, combined with church, and therapy has really helped him tremendously. He speaks with his therapist once a week, which is wonderful. However, I am about to put him and Samuel into a children's therapy that is run through the county I believe. I am not a hundred percent sure, but the place comes highly recommended. Michael will still stay in school therapy, but now he will go with his brother to a psychologist...or maybe it is a psychiatrist...not sure. I just know that this will be good for them.

Michael has fallen into the perfect routine at church. He love and adores all three of his classes. He has made friends, and that is what I want him to have, lifelong, Christian friends. I know that God put us in this church, and Michael is proof of it. :-)

Oh oh oh...Mindy and I decided that since we no longer have husbands to make our birthdays special, we would throw ourselves a party every year. And that is exactly what we did...it totally rocked. We went to Chuck E. Cheese, because where else can you really have a GREAT party, right?!?! I added some pics at the bottom, be sure to check them out. BTW, I turned 29 and she turned 34.

I have now been here with my mom for over two weeks. I love it here. I love having family around all the time, I love having help with the kids. Especially while I am still trying to overcome the traumatic uprooting my life has gone through...the help is much appreciated right now.

My mom and Steve have also been so patient with us. As I am sure you all know, when you move in with family there is going to be growing pains. Our situations was no different. We are finally set into a schedule with everything, not just some things, but everything. The house moves smoothly, we know when so and so is getting a shower, and we know who needs the stove when, etc etc etc... The relationship between my mom and Steve, and the kids and I, has grown so tight. I feel so blessed. All this, and I got my brother back too, who could ask for anything more?

Okay, here are some pics, maybe I already posted some, dunno, but here they are anyway. There are all a few weeks old, but they are finally up, so shut it...

The Birthday Party :-)

Great Lakes Science Center...

God is good!

2009-09-20T21:51:00.002-04:00

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalms 126:5

That is my life's verse. I keep repeating it to myself. :-)

God is good, can I testify? I REALLY did not want to miss church today...but as you all know, I was SO BUSY that it seemed like church was not an option today. But God kept pushing me toward church, so I decided we were gonna go. After all, this church has done so much for me, and really helped me get back into God's word. Missing one service physically hurts me.

Anywho, I went to church, and left 15 minutes early. And I know that this day went so smoothly because I did what God wanted. We got everything accomplished that we set out to accomplish. My kids were even in bed at a good time tonight- probably because they are beat and still sickish.

I also can't say it enough, but I love my mom and Steve. God put the two people that I need most in my life, and I couldn't have chosen better parents. Or grandparents. Those two love my children and I unconditionally....and I am so grateful for that. My mom, Steve, and my two kids are my best friends...my loves...my family. I hope they always know what they mean to me.

Finally, an update!

2009-09-18T01:09:00.006-04:00

Well, divorce proceedings have begun. Justin and I went to our first court hearing on September 11th. Let me just say, weird. Joel and I had a dissolution, so there was no court hearings like this. In fact, this is the first time I have ever been in a real court setting, and it was weird. Looks just like it does on TV.

I still have ups and downs emotionally. But I am doing so much better, and I thank God for that. I still take things day by day...and just remember to breathe. Both kids are doing better as well. Samuel has really thrown himself into one crazy, hectic schedule. Michael is in therapy at school, and a divorce support group...he loves it.

We found a new church! Yay! We are now attending Akron Baptist Temple (abt316.com). This is the perfect church for us, a perfect mix of Baptist and Pentecostal. Basically, it is Baptist...come to life....or Pentecostal without all the craziness. Either way, it is exactly what I have always said I am...Bapti-costal. :-)

Samuel is LOVING his new youth group, Crossroads. They do a lot of fun events and camps, and right now they are having Gladiator Games on Wednesday. All this while learning about God's grace. Michael also loves his kids classes! Right now on Wednesday they are running a program called "Searching the Scriptures," which is so neat. Basically they follow a map of the old testament, and do this Bible treasure hunt in an archaeological theme. So cool. Oh, and they both had kids from their school in their classes.

I am in a Sunday School class called "Women In Crisis." So far it has been good, and I think it will be perfect for this time in my life. They also have a divorce group, but I chose the women's one for this session. On Wednesday nights I am a ladies small group where we are going through an intense study of Esther. I LOVE this class, it looks like it is gonna be interesting.

I do miss Harmony, I really did enjoy it. But ultimately I had to find a church that offered more stuff geared for my boys. I also needed more small group options. But, Harmony is a good church, don't get me wrong.

Another perk to ABT is....drum roll please...my mom and Steve are gonna start going with us. Yay. I am really looking forward to it. Now if I could just get my friend Mindy to go!!

Just a little reminder to all of you....Tuesday is my 29th birfday!! <:o)~ And while I am at it....Happy Birfday to Wendy, Pam, and anyone else with birfday's this week!!

Yea, we are besties...

My boyfriend...jealous?

Samuel and his, ahem, woman....

Michael and Wendall....

Falling in.

2009-09-07T20:41:00.003-04:00

After watching a fascinating movie called "Join Us," and several other biography shows about cults...I felt compelled to write about my thoughts on what a cult is. No need to take to offense, this is simply one girl's opinion. :-)

Before I start, I want to tell you what christiananswers.net lists as the top ten cults in America today...

1. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormonism)
2. The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society (Jehovah's Witnesses)
3. The Church of Scientology
4. The Twelve Tribes
5. The Holy Spirit Association for the Unification of World Christianity (Unification Church)
6. The International Churches of Christ (Boston Movement)
7. The Family (Children of God)
8. Christian Identity Movement (Aryan Nations, Christian Identity Church, Klu Klux Klan, etc.)
9. The Nation of Islam (Black Muslims)
10. United Pentecostal Church (UPC)

Churches are not the only cults out there, I have seen yoga groups that were cults. It is crazy how manipulated humans can be. Before I go on any further I want to tell you about me. I am a King James only, Bible believing Christian, with unwavering faith. Obviously, I do not believe that all churches are bad, God made the church...people made them into what they are today. I also want to let you know that I fully believe I was a part of a cult, and it was so horrible. Let me share my story...

I grew up Assembly of God/Pentecostal/Baptist. My mother took little bits from each group and taught us what she believed to be right. She never let us fall into a "cult," and I am thankful for that.

Once I was married, I decided that I was a Baptist, after much reading the Bible, I believe that they are the closest in the translation of it. I felt that AG made the Bible what they wanted it to be, it seemed like the church would make the verses what they needed them to be at that moment. I felt that Pentecostal's were the very definition of cult, so that was out of the question.

So I settled into a Baptist church with my family years ago. In the beginning it was wonderful. The people were so welcoming, and very understanding of the way we lived. Things changed quickly. Almost overnight all of the women were pressured to wear skirts, whether it was their own personal conviction or not. Women were expected to homeschool their children, regardless of the strains it may cause on the family. Cable and internet were strictly prohibited. (Our family had both, and we were heathens.) The pastor and his family made everyone feel so welcome, but once you weren't the new family, you were no longer special. Men were expected to ONLY work jobs that allowed fr Sunday's and Wednesday nights off. Missing a service would start a chaotic outburst of gossip. Once you were no longer an asset to the church, you were no longer wanted or needed. By the time you realized this, the church had taken such control of your life that you had no other identity, and your family relationships were no longer the same. Leaving is near impossible, because of the fear that fills you...fear of not having your "family." But believe me, those people are NOT family!

It was only after I left that I started to realize just how deep in we were. At one point, my 3 year old son looked up to me and asked me if our pastor was God?!?! I have never been so shocked about something, a 3 year old could see the influence that this man was having, and we couldn't. I started to realize that I had to get out about 2 year in....but my ex was more caught up in it than I was, and he did not want to leave. Of course, once we were out, we could see how stupid we were.

Cults persuade people who need to be needed into their sick ways. They see lonely people, who just need something in life. Then they make them feel welcome. Next thing you know, you are one of the many drones walking around being told what to do. Arg! It is sick. I hate it.

I have always loved God...that will never change. But I believe that everything I do in my Christian walk should be based on my own personal convictions, not what I am told "should be my conviction."

This is a quote that is so inspiring to me...

"When you meet the friendliest people you have ever known, who introduce you to the most loving group of people you've ever encountered, and you find the leader to be the most inspired, caring, compassionate and understanding person you've ever met, and then you learn the cause of the group is something you never dared hope could be accomplished, and all of this sounds too good to be true-it probably is too good to be true! Don't give up your education, your hopes and ambitions to follow a rainbow."

Jeannie Mills
Ex - member of The People's Temple, later found murdered

Also, this list is something that everyone should read...

Are Cults Harmful?

To remain within the strict mental and social confines of a cult for even a short time can have the following disastrous effects:

Loss of choice and free will.
Diminished intellectual ability, vocabulary and sense of humour.
Reduced use of irony, abstractions and metaphors.
Reduced capacity to form flexible and intimate relationships.
Poor judgement.
Physical deterioration.
Malnutrition.
Hallucinations, panic, dissociation, guilt, identity diffusion and paranoia.
Neurotic, psychotic or suicidal tendencies.

If you know someone in a cult, and there is a good chance that we all know SOMEONE that is in one, or leaning towards joining one, this advice may help you...

How Do I Help a Cult Member? - The Do's and Don'ts

The Do's

DO try to keep in regular contact via mail or telephone even if there is little response.

DO express sincere love for the cult member at every available opportunity.

DO keep a diary of comments, attitudes and events associated with his/her life in the cult.

DO always welcome the cult member back into the family home no matter what is said.

DO keep copies of all written correspondence from you and the individual.

DO record all the names, addresses and phone numbers of people linked with the cult.

DO try to bite your tongue if the cult member makes unkind comments.

DO read all of the recommended books relating to cults and mind control, as well as reading other information on the cult in question.

DO seek help and information from organisations specialising in counter-cult work. We care about you and your individual situation.

The Don'ts

DO NOT rush into adopting a potential solution before carefully researching the cult problem.

DO NOT say:"You are in a cult; you are brainwashed".

DO NOT give money to the member of the group.

DO NOT feel guilty. This is not a problem caused by families.

DO NOT act in an angry or hostile manner towards the cult member.

DO NOT feel alone. It happens to thousands of families every year.

DO NOT underestimate the control the cult has over a member.

DO NOT antagonise the cult member by ridiculing his/her beliefs.

DO NOT be judgemental or confrontational towards the cult member.

DO NOT antagonise any of the cult's leadership or members.

DO NOT be persuaded by a cult 'specialist' to pay large sums of money without verifying his/her qualifications.

DO NOT give up hope of success in helping your family member to leave the group no matter how long the involvement has already been

DO NOT neglect yourself or other family members.

All I want for my children is for them to grow up and do what they feel is right in their heart. No church, no group, no enthusutastic preacher telling them what they believe the Bible to mean. I want them to grow up and read it for themselves, and prayerfully ask God to show them what HE wants for their lives. I will NEVER let them be a part of that mess that I was once in...never again...lesson learned.

Remember- going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. :)

I'm not excusing the need for church, but find a place that does not dictate you every move, your every thought. It will be hard, but the end rewards are amazing.

Scatterbrained.

2009-08-28T21:04:00.003-04:00

What a long, hectic week it has been. Whoo! So glad it is over...almost.

The kiddos had their first week of school, Samuel had too many doc appts., I got terrific news from one friend, and heartbreaking news from another, I have done enough paperwork to make my head spin, I am pet sitting all weekend and babysitting tomorrow, I have lists and lists of stuff I need to get for my fall semester, and last but not least...the kiddos got netbooks today.

Man, I said that all in one breath. ;-) Which really makes me ponder why I even bothered with the commas. Hmm.

Okay, we will start from the top and work down...

The kids had a GREAT first week of school. I honestly think it has been the best first week that they have ever had. They both came home everyday chatting up a storm, and floating on cloud nine. Samuel has a jam packed schedule with everything from JH Orchestra, to Pre-Algebra, to SEARCH (gifted), to Chess Club. Luckily, there is another girl that is on the same level as Samuel academically, and they share a schedule. He was mad at her the first day though, she led them into 9th grade math, not 7th grade. LOL So funny. Michael talks about all the special things they get to do this year, he is so excited. At one point they get to make a "frog board" that tells everything that they like. Michael CANNOT wait for this. Michael will also start divorce counseling at school...he will be in the elementary children's divorce support group. I am so thankful for that because he is still struggling. Samuel is also having some moderate to severe abandonment issues, but keeping busy is his therapy. I know God will help them this school1 year, after all, we are already blessed that they are there.

Samuel's appointments went well. His thyroid and a1c counts are all in normal range. So we are assuming that the excessive thirst is still his body's way of healing from the C Diff. His immuno counts were also good...except for the asthma ones. His asthma was not being controlled well enough, which explains his extreme fatigue. The doc put him on two meds twice a day for the rest of his childhood. He also HAS to use his rescue inhaler before gym or anything that is active. He still has to see a GI doc, but things are really looking up for my little turkey.

I can't say what news I have received from which friends...but they know who they are. To the one with GREAT news, congrats doll. You deserve this more than anyone I know, and I love you, and you will be in my thoughts every step of the way. :) To my friend with heartbreaking news, I know what you are going through. We serve a great God and He will heal this situation. I love you, and I will be praying for you.

The paperwork...eh...not getting into it.

Right now we have Oscar Mayer Weiner over at our house. We were watching him today so my Frendy could go to CP, but she got rained out. :-( BUT...she gets to go Sunday, YAY! So her baby boy is just gonna stay with me through the weekend. He loves visiting his friends anyway. Tomorrow morning I am babysitting, but only for a few hours. My friend has to work on a Saturday, which is a fluke thing. But I am so cool with it because my kiddos love playing with her kids.

My semester starts on Monday, w00t w00t! I am so excited, more than I've ever been. I need the work to keep my mind occupied. I am even ready to conquer my math fears, I'm telling you, it's a new chapter for Miss Hollie. I still gotta get all my stuff, but I am never one to stress about that kid of stuff. I have been known to wait until the 3rd week of classes to get my books. No point in stressing over the small stuff.

And lastly, my boys got Verizon netBooks today. Their grandma is spoiling them rotten. :) No, she just loves them, and wants them to have something nice since they are going through so much. And let me tell you, their brave little faces, and faithful little attitudes make me KNOW that they deserved this special treat. Basically a netBook is a mini laptop with internet capabilities ANYWHERE you are. So they can surf the web in the car. I gotta say, I am a wee bit jealous. My mom did some hardcore wheeling and dealing and got Verizon to sell her the netBooks at buy one get one free. Yeppers, you heard me right. They are running a special if you buy a Blackberry you can get a free netBook...my mom said she wanted two netBooks...they said no. We walked out...they called and said okay. :-) Yay. My kids were so happy. They have been in their beds giggling up a storm playing games online. I am so happy for them.

Okay y'all, I gotta go to bed, I am whooped.

Seeing is "Bee"lieving.

2009-08-25T21:16:00.005-04:00

Okay, so obviously Samuel had a sucko first day...anyone who looked like that would. :-) But he made it funny for his friends, and in the end, he was fine with being my little ogre. ;)

He had a bee crawl on his face yesterday, and he said, "Look mom, what a nice bee."

Then it stung him. LOL

He cried, but the pain went away after a Benedryl and some Advil. This morning he woke up and it had doubled in size, and it just keeps growing throughout the day.

(I cannot stop laughing to type this.)

The doc said to continue with the same meds I am giving him, plus cold compresses. All three things have done nothing to help him. My friend Pam sent me a suggestion, so we are gonna try that next. The pain isn't an issue as much as the SEVERE itching.

Luckily, my little guy can take a joke, and he has heard them all today. At one point he looked at me and said, "Bee-lieve me mom, EYE love you!" hehe

School days.

2009-08-24T21:30:00.002-04:00

My two favorite people in the whole world start school tomorrow. They are both already tucked into bed and dreaming about their first day. I am so excited for them, they cannot wait! It is like Christmas Eve in our house. I feel like I have given the "if you fall asleep the time will pass faster" speech too may times. Sadly, my red-headed pumpkin has to do to the doctor on the first day of school. I am hoping he will only miss an hour or so. Better than Kelsea who will miss the entire week!!! (AHEM MIZZ KIM!!!) ;)

I want to reiterate just how miraculous it is that my boys will be attending LCCS this year. I knew God wanted them at that school, I KNEW IT. And it perfect timing, they got to go- praise be to God.

I also wanted to thank my mom, for risking so much (panic button) to make sure my kids are there. I love you.

When the cats away!

2009-08-23T19:15:00.007-04:00

Okay, when I left the birthday party last night, things got crazy. You know, when the cats away, the mice will play. And mice played like nobody's business! Here are some pics that Wendy and John took once I was gone...

Word on the street is....Samuel got this drag party started! LOL He makes me so proud!

What goes around...

2009-08-22T21:26:00.002-04:00

...comes around. I totally believe that.

Anywho.

Today was a rough day, but luckily my support entourage was there to see me through it. Everyone from my mom to my brother to my best friends were there for me, offering to help me with anything I needed. It was a blessing.

It is easy to let go of your faith during the fire, but I believe that only the weak do that. I will remain strong through every fire, and I know that God will bring me through it all. I will be a stronger, better woman in the end. All I want is to be the woman, mother, friend, daughter, and sister that God wants me to be.

My boys also had a rough day today as well. But Samuel spent a lot of time in prayer, and he is much better now. He is my prayer warrior. Michael cried a lot, but he finally got better. They both went to a birthday party tonight, and that has really helped their minds stay busy. :-) What a PERFECT time for them to get invited to a party. God also works things out in PERFECT time.

Okay, here is one of the pics from tonight, but be sure to check them all out on FB...

Goodbye Colonial Times

2009-08-21T20:26:00.002-04:00

Wow! It seems like forever since I have blogged. Sickness, stress, and no computer are all to blame. But I am back up and running now, so my daily blogs will begin again. I am not gonna get into a lot of deep thoughts tonight, just wanna do a quickie to catch everyone up.

Before I start, I want you all to check out our newest Youtube vid of the Top Thrill Dragster at CP. We went with my brother and his fam, and this was the first ride everyone rode. You have to pause it to see everyone, but they are all there, all six of them....

Also I hope that everyone has had the chance to sign in to Facebook and check out our new zoo and CP pics.

Okay...let's play catch up...

Everyone in the home is almost completely better now! WHOO HOO! Samuel has gained almost all of his weight back, and he is at about 80% of his normal energy. We are so blessed, and it was all in perfect timing, school starts tomorrow.

Speaking of school, I was really worried about the kids not having the beloved school this year. I absolutely could not afford it, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. But God always shows up, right on time. Today, my mom got a part time job that will pay for the boys' school payment. It will still be rough, but I think it is manageable. No one could possibly understand what an amazing blessing this is for us. My boys adore that school, and I BELIEVE that God wants them there.

Tomorrow we have to go to orientation with the boys, they can't wait to see their friends. :-) LCCS has a really neat orientation, the kids can unpack their supplies then the do a big luncheon for everyone. It is a really fun day. After we leave, they boys were invited to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheeses. It should be a fin day for them.

I start school on Monday, and believe it or not, I am excited. I cannot wait for the three of us to get back into our normal routine. I am taking some classes with my friend Wendy, so that should be a lot of fun. School is always more fun when you have someone to do it with.

A quick update on my divorce is...we have a court date in a few weeks for temporary orders. My lawyer said it would still be a while before the actual divorce date is set. But I am sure everyone is keeping up with the case on the Portage County Public Access site. I am no stranger to looking up cases, we all do it! ;) Anywho, I so do not want to get into this story tonight, maybe later this week. If you can't wait, just email me and I will give you the Reader's Digest version until I have more time (and brain power) to blog.

Oh, and I also wanted to bring up my friend Deb...God has answered her prayers. She had a successful surgery on her foot, and things are finally looking up. I am hoping she is well enough to blog about it soon, I can't wait to read the entire story!! :)

Okay, I suppose this is enough for now. Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Sam for connecting me back to the real world. I felt like I was living in colonial times without my computer. :-)

Par for the course.

2009-08-11T17:49:00.007-04:00

I am sure most of you know by now that I have been super sick, which is why I haven't blogged in forever. Well, I am still super sick, but I am having a brief good moment, so I thought I would blog.

Samuel is still improving, but at a slow pace. He is still only up to 90 pounds, he needs to get back to 98 pounds. He gained 2 pounds back in a week, and has had the hardest time gaining more than that. His energy level is still down, but again, he is slowly getting better about that too. We also saw his Immunologist who ran a plethora of tests...we get those back in two weeks. If they come back bad (as we suspect) he will have to get shots. Samuel will also have to see a GI doc soon. I am sure he will just love that.

We have had a few meetings at LCCS, and prayer with the elementary and secondary principals...and here is what we have decided what to do about his schooling...

Samuel was stressing out about leaving his friends and getting picked on by older kids. The school was worried that older kids would pressure him into things he wouldn't normally do. Even if it was a simple as "being to cool to care about school." However, after speaking with Samuel, and his teachers, and reviewing test scores...he is way above kids that are his age. His IQ is way out in space somewhere, and he gets bored with his work in school. Both principals agreed that Samuel is not your "typical" case by any means. The decision that we finally came to was...Samuel would stay in a 6th grade classroom, with peers his age, so he could continue with the relationships he has already built. BUT...he will do 7th grade work. :-) The only thing that we aren't sure about is orchestra...they want to fit him into the middle school orchestra...but we aren't sure if we can work it into his schedule. Also, his 6th grade teacher will be able to advance all subjects except for math...he has to walk down to the 7th grade halls for math. They are also giving him the option of taking tests early in the week if he already knows the material...this will help prevent boredom, and keep him loving school. Boredom has always been my biggest fear, but LCCS has done a phenomenal job working this out with me, and Samuel will get tokeep his friends. And the tuition won't go up since it will still be considered "elementary."

Speaking of tuition, I still don't have any. First payment is due Monday and I am still scratching my head as to how I'm gonna get it. We shall see. If God wants them at LCCS he will provide a way. If not, I can accept that too. :-)

Michael and I both have Strep right now. The doc called me today about how fast my culture grew...she was like, "DO NOT MISS AN ANTIBIOTIC DOSE!!" I feel like crap, so lethargic. I am also running a fever, which is no fun. And, battling nausea. And my throat is covered in pus (see pic at bottom). Michael is not really dealing with any of the hardcore Strep symptoms, and the doc suspects he doesn't respond in a typical fashion because he is a carrier.

On another note, we had the most beautiful storms (see pics at bottom)lately. It looks so gorgeous outside that I just had to pull myself out of bed and go snap a few photos, I didn't want to miss the opportunity. However, it wasn't that simple. During the storms my computer tower went out. My computer genius brother thinks the lightning caused it, once he confirms it we will file a home owner's insurance claim. I feel like I am living in the stone age without my computer right now...and I start a full KSU workload in 2 weeks...ALL ONLINE. That is just par for the course I'm playing, huh??

Okay, I am starting to feel sick, I can't type anymore. Hopefully I can add to my blog world tomorrow.

Enjoy the pics...

Samuel playing Gameboy in bed...wishing he felt well enough to go swimming...

Michael not wanting his picture taken because he felt sick...

Tired Lola...

Look at how this rain was falling, it seemed like it was moving in slow motion, you can click the pic to enlarge it...

The beautiful leaves covered in rain drops...

The sun through the trees...

Okay, here it is ;), my throat...yes, it is blurry, but do you know how hard it is to get a pic of your throat?!?!?! But, I was so shocked when I saw it I had to get a pic. You all know how I capture EVERY moment of our lives. :) So here it is...you should be able to see all the white goo everywhere...

I don't want to blog.

2009-08-05T21:51:00.002-04:00

I don't what's up tonight, but I am in a funk. I don't want to blog or chat or anything. And to top it off, I have no TV to veg out with. Sucky night. Luckily my cable will be back on tomorrow. And hopefully my funk is just PMS. I hate feeling like this...I much prefer my bubbly persona.

Since I am blogging against my will, I will go ahead and do the blog I wanted to do.

I am terrified that I will forget names, but here goes...

I want to thank all of my friends from the bottom of my heart for all of their help throughout this horrible ordeal. Every time I break down crying, I know I can call any of you to help calm me. Thank you for that, all of you. I love each and every one of you...

(Just friends, not family, that was my last blog.)

Deb- for talking to me at 2am if I needed you, and I have, a lot.

Wendy and Dawn- for keeping me strong at Relay, you knew how hard that was.

Pam- for making me laugh sharing your thoughts about the situation.

Kim- for offering your cows. ;-)

Joel and Kristin- for helping both of my babies through this, you are amazing parents.

Michelle- for making me feel like such a strong woman.

Amber- girl you know why.

Amy- for getting me and Mindy back together.

Mindy- for be such a great friend that is always willing to keep me company.

Debbie- for your kind words after TRIBE that day.

Heather- for your kind email telling me your story.

Moriah- for the conversation, you know which one.

Joy- for the compassion you have shown me.

Katie- for always being so understanding with all of us.

April- for reminding that God will see me through.

Shelly- for your willingness to talk online every time I was hurting.

Maggie- for help with finals when I needed it the most.

LCCS Staff- for helping through the toughest of tough times, I would have been lost without all of you.

KSU Spring Profs- for understanding my situation and giving the much needed extensions when I could not fathom writing a paper or taking and exam.

I know, I know, I know...I probably forgot a million people, but I hope not. And if you have touched my life, then you know it! And I didn't mean to forget anyone, I am sorry if I did.

I love my friends, they are amazing. I only said one small thing about each, but I know that I could have hundreds of things about each...you are all so amazing.

XOXO

Just Updates - Nothing Special

2009-08-04T22:35:00.003-04:00

Okay...I guess I will update a few issues tonight...

Samuel-

He is doing much better today. I took him out for an hour or so, but after that he needed to come home and sleep. The doctor said he needs to REST REST REST for the next few weeks. He is so mad about that. I also have to take him to a GI doctor to find out why he got C Diff. The doc said it is so uncommon in kids, almost unheard of...and their office has NEVER had a case of C Diff in a child. I also have to take him to an ENT to see if removing his tonsils and adenoids will reduce the risk of Strep enough to go through with it. But before all of that, we have to go to his immunologist (on the 19th) to see what in the world is going on in his tiny body. I just know he is gonna get poked and prodded, I am not looking forward to that day. Please keep praying for my baby...his little body has a hard time fighting infections. I know that God can pull him through this...so believers, BELIEVE WITH ME!

Michael-

Believe this or not...Michael is getting sick. He has been having on and off nausea and sore throat. If he doesn't start to improve by Thursday I am taking him in. Just to be sure that he doesn't have strep or something that he can give to Samuel. Michael fights off illnesses very well, he is my normal kid. I am so GRATEFUL to have a normal kid!! :) He goes to the Endo at the end of the month for his yearly thyroid check-up...pray that everything comes back normal. We really don't want him to ever have to go on Synthroid again if we can help it.

Me-

I am still continuing to take things day by day...sometimes hour by hour. But God has really seen me through this, and I handle each day a little better. Sometimes my mind will wonder back to the early days of our marriage and dating...that is what sets me off...so I try to stay occupied. I am still struggling with this whole single parenting thing, it is NO cake walk. I think that things will get easier when school starts back for all three of us. I am still trying to come up with the boys' school money, but I haven't a dime of it yet. I got the monthly payment book in the mail last week, it will be over 600 a month...and that is WITH the 2000 dollar scholarship they were awarded. I am so thankful that school gave us anything, and 2000 is a lot of money. It was a blessing to me. It may be a blessing for another family if I can't come up with the rest of it. I do everything I can no to bounce stuff, and my bills are slowly drowning us. But at the end of the day, I have to trust God to see us through this...He always ALWAYS has. Like I have said many times, I have been through MANY fires that God helped me through.

Faith-

Let me just tell you something...it is so easy to lay in bed and think and cry instead of calling out to God. At first, I felt guilty for calling out to God, like I only called on Him when I needed Him. But I could not get through those first days without Him. Slowly I started to get better and I noticed that my prayer life wasn't as strong as it was when all of this first happened. The guilt was horrible. I had so much on my mind that I didn't want to pray. I know how very wrong that is, I don't need anyone to preach at me. I am a once saved always saved person...so I was never one of those "if I don't pray everyday I will go to hell." The bottom line is, if you are truly saved, you will WANT to pray, and you will WANT a relationship with God. And of course I did want that. And I am not someone to ever abandon my beliefs or even question them, or even question God about my life circumstances...that is just not who I am. I am just saying that I am human, and I let flesh take over, and let my spiritual life slide. But I don't want that to happen again, I want to stay on track, no matter how complicated life gets. You know, I am not sure why I even felt the need to share this. Hmm.

Family-

I have said it a million times, but my mom and Steve have been my rock throughout this entire ordeal. They continue to help me with every single extra dime that they have, and it is seriously hurting them financially. But they want the kids and I to be taken care of. What an amazing love they have shown us. They not only help us financially, but also spiritually. When we start to get down, they quickly lift us up with scriptures that apply to our very need. God has given them so much wisdom in how to deal with others in pain.

I am also thankful that God mended the relationship with my brother and I. When we quit talking so many years ago, I spent at least a dozen nights crying about how much I missed him. I would pray and pray that God would one day help us reunite, and He has. :)

Okay....I was gonna get into FRIENDS....but it is 11...and that is gonna be one long subject. Maybe that will be my blog tomorrow, dedicated to each and every one of you have helped throughout this...and I am naming names!!!! :o)~

The Letter

2009-08-02T21:15:00.002-04:00

Okay...here goes...

It has probably been two weeks now since I wrote each of my boys a letter. It was late one night and went in their room to check on them. I got to think about how very much I loved them. So I decided to write them each a letter that they could keep forever.

Basically the letter was just saying how proud I was of who they have become, and how much I loved them, and how I will always be there for them, and how proud I am that they are such strong Christians. You know, mom stuff.

Much to my surprise, both boys read the letters and came into my room frantically crying and couldn't catch their breath. I had NO CLUE what had made them react like this to a sweet note.

After I calmed them, Samuel blurted out, "We thought you were leaving us with a note since dad left you with a note."

OH MY GOSH! I was so shocked that they would even think that. :-( I did a lot of crying that night after they went to bed.

I spent TWO HOURS...yes, TWO...talking to them about how I was in this thing forever. There is no getting rid of me. I also told them that I would NEVER EVER EVER give them bad news in a note, I would talk to them about it. After I said this a billion and one times, they finally started to realize that notes are not always bad.

Even after they were calm, Michael continued to say that he would rather me tell him how much I love him instead of writing him a note. I explained that I wrote it so he would have it forever. Samuel understood that and said he still wants to get notes from me, he likes the idea of it. But Michael NEVER wants to see a note again. :-( I do believe that he will work past that fear one day.

I love these two boys more than anything in this world. Words cannot describe how I feel about them. I would do anything for them, anything to protect them, and anything to keep them happy and healthy. I just hope that they grow up to know how much their mom loves them.

Holler!

2009-08-01T14:14:00.001-04:00

Good news :)

2009-07-31T21:13:00.002-04:00

Samuel is still doing so much better. I am so happy, words cannot describe how happy. I am telling you what, that C Diff stuff is super-duper scary. God has blessed Samuel tremendously. :-)

I am not saying that Samuel doesn't have a long road of healing ahead, he absolutely does. But showing progress this quickly after the diagnosis is just short of miraculous. The docs told me to wait about a week before I saw any improvement, especially because of the severity of the disease in his body. I started seeing improvement in TWO DAYS. How could anyone not believe that God heals those who ask. Samuel asked...he asked for the pain to stop and the sickness to be gone...and he is on the road to healthy.

I know this is a lot of blogs about C Diff, but most of you will never understand how this effected my baby and our family. I was terrified for him.

That has pretty much consumed our lives until now. Samuel should be fine sleeping tonight, HALLELUJAH! That means I will get some sleep. Samuel did have an emotional moment tonight when he realized that he could not go to Isaac's birthday party at the mini-golf place tonight. :-( Aside from the fact that he IS NOT well enough to do that yet, C Diff can also be contagious. So I said absolutely not, he was heartbroken. I think he just wanted to see his friends from school.

Michael is at Justin's apartment tonight, they are going to CP tomorrow. I already miss him, I hope he has fun...he has been cooped up for a while now because of Samuel's health issues. He has been an amazing help to me...while I was cleaning, he was making lunch for everyone...when I couldn't get to Samuel, he did. We have both been working around the clock, we were partners in crime this week. Er, partners in FIGHTING crime. ;-)

Okay, I am gonna give you all a teaser to my next blog...it is called, "THE LETTER." I have been wanting to blog about it for about a week, but have been too busy talking about Samuel. But it will be up tomorrow, that is promise. Isn't the suspense killing you?? LOL 8-)

Another night another dream..

2009-07-30T21:21:00.002-04:00

Another (sleepless) night, another dream. Well, I don't know that for sure yet, I shouldn't be so negative. Samuel is doing better, and I am SO VERY GRATEFUL. We may just get some sleep tonight. We shall see.

I have been very emotional lately, and I know that is because of no sleep and a very sick child. I am also angry, angry that the doctors gave my son an antibiotic to kill strep but caused a disease that is ten times worse. I am full of many emotions. On top of that, Samuel is constantly fighting with me.

When Samuel can finally eat a little something he assumes he is 100% better. So he wants to go and do, but obviously that is unrealistic. So he argues with me. But, we only argue for a few minutes before he starts crying because he doesn't feel good. In a way that makes me the winner, right?!

My mom, Steve, and even Michael have really had to step up to the plate to help me. But that is what families do, they help each other out through tough times, and they are always there. I have the greatest family that is so full of love. I have said it before and I will say it again, I would be lost without them.

Okay, that is enough talking for one night. I gotta shower, switch laundry, write in my journal, and go to bed.

Samuel Update :-(

2009-07-29T20:32:00.004-04:00

This is Samuel last night. He slept in my bed and got up every 15-30 minutes all night long. He had severe diarrhea and nausea. When he was in the bed sleeping he was kicking his legs and groaning in pain. This pic is one of his rare peaceful moments last night...

Okay, after that long night of pain I KNEW Samuel had to go back to the doctor today. But before I get into that, let me catch you up on how this transpired.

About a month ago, Samuel went to the ER and tested positive for Strep. After 10 days of Amox he was still very sickly. I took him back to the ER and low and behold, he tested positive again. So the ER gave him Clindamyacin (sp?). That is when everything went wrong.

I BEGGED for Augmentin, since I know it works for Samuel. The doc insisted on the Clin, saying it was powerful and would kick it for good. About three days into the meds he started getting severe belly pain. So I took him off. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you aren't supposed to do that...but I am so glad I did now.

Two days after I took him off he got the worse diarrhea he has ever had. At that point he weighed 98 pounds. He would go to the bathroom two times every hour. I rushed him to the ER and they ran IVs for dehydration, and also took blood and stool samples. Other that the dehydration the labs were good. The doc said he probably caught a virus.

So I waited and I waited and I waited. I continued to watch him get worse. I got more aggarvated by the day.

Then last night he came in here in so much pain, he begged to sleep in my bed. Throughout the night he tossed and turned and moaned. It was the worse thing ever. Watching you child go through such a horrific pain is heartbreaking. I couldn't sleep all night. By this time he had red and black blood in his stool. I knew this was no virus.

I ended up calling his doc in the middle of the night to ask what I could give him to relieve some of the pain...he said Imodium. I had no idea how wrong that answer would be.

At 8:30 am when his doc's office opened I called for an appointment. They got me in at 11:30, Samuel cried and said he could not wait that long. :-( But we had to.

When we got there I told the doc the story from beginning to end....and almost immediately she said he had C Diff. Of course, I had never heard of this, so I had to get schooled in it. She thinks his first stool sample at the ER had a false negative. She said that Clin is notorious for causing C Diff in older patients. It is rare in kids, but Samuel likes to be different.

After a two hour doc appointment, and thorough examination, and blood work, urinalysis, another stool sample, and bp checks....the doc said she would bet her life it is C Diff. He has EVERY symptom of it. Plus, he is now down to 88 pounds. Since the results to C Diff takes 3 days and he is rapidly losing weight, she started treatment now. I am so mad that anyone ever gave him an antibiotic that can cause such a painful, long-term, disease. I just want to slap stupid people. But, that is par for the course at Childrens I suppose!

Even though the doc knew what he had, she said he still looked so bad that she wanted him to go to the ER and have IVs run, because once again he was severely dehydrated. Both the ER and the doc couldn't decide on whether or not to keep him overnight, I am just so thankful we got to go home.

Samuel has been trying to drink faithfully, but it causes him a great deal of pain. But I must say, he is being very brave, because pain that horrific is not easy to deal with. :-(

Here is a pic of him in the ER with his IVs...

Also, for those of you who are clueless about C Diff, as I was...here are a few links to somewhat fill you in on the disease...

C DIFF Link 1

C DIFF Link 2