♥ sick.

As most of you know, Samuel was born with two holes in his ♥ that were repaired one month after his second birthday. Since then, he has had a few spells of chest pain but nothing super severe. And, all EKGs and Echos were normal. So I just brushed off his chest pain- not to mention his cardiologist made me feel like I was being an overprotective mother.

During the last two years Samuel has had a GREAT deal of trouble with his breathing. So, reluctantly, I take him back to his cardiologist a year ago. His EKG is no longer that same as it has been for years, so we did an Echo follow up. Samuel has what is called a "Right Bundle Branch Block." The cardiologist said it was his "normal," and that I should not worry about it. So, again, I let it got.

About 6 months ago the breathing problems were really starting to bother me. Samuel does have asthma, but mother's instinct told me that this was more than asthma. I called the cardiologist again and made an emergency appointment.

I could see the the doctor was annoyed that I was back, he thought I was so paranoid about Samuel's every move. If you knew me, then you know I am not! That kid has broken every bone, he has had to have his lower ear stitched back on, he is mister testosterone- the very definition of male.

Before I could get two words out of my mouth the doctor (and I use that term loosely here) told me that Samuel might be depressed. I could feel rage kicking in when I was picture myself holding his head down on the floor with a hot cow brander thingy. Nothing sets me off quite like the words, "it might be depression." AHHH!!

I remained calm and patient for Samuel's sake, but I wanted to squish that idiot and his little pea sized head. Please don't ever think that a medical degree qualifies you to be a doctor...case and point here.

I calmly said that Samuel was not depressed, I know what depression looks like, and it isn't blue lips after running one lap in PE. I was very adamant about Samuel receiving an Echo. So doctor Seuss ordered one, but he was not happy.

When we got back in the room to get his results, doctor Seuss came in with his tail tucked in between his legs. He sheepishly told me that Samuel has a new finding on his ultrasound since last years.

Along with the Right Bundle Branch Block, Samuel now has a Tricuspid Leak. The cardiologist, and his all knowing powers, and ginormous God complex, quickly said that it was no big deal and let us go. I was mad. Samuel is showing clear symptoms and now has evidence to prove there is a problem- and this wee little man is allowing his pride to get in the way of treating my son.

My mom and I brought Samuel home, who went straight to get a nap, since sleeping is his favorite past time anymore. We researched Tricuspid leaks and it does not look good. In fact, it looks bad.

I ended up emailing a top cardiologist at Nationwide Children's in Columbus. This doctor emailed me back in less than 48 hours, and told me that Samuel DEFINITELY needed to be looked over- this could not be ignored. She said at the VERY LEAST his idiot doctor could have preformed a stress test to see why the trouble breathing increases so much with activity. She also said that the leak needed to be measured to see if it should be repaired, since it is mixing the blue and red blood. So I am planning on taking him there to be looked over and evaluated.

I wanna do a big, fat, "naa naa nuh boo boo" face at his doctor while I shout, "I was right and you weren't!" I'm telling you, a mother's intuition is something that NO ONE should mess with. I know my babies inside and out, and if something is wrong, you better believe I will be the first to see the change in them.

Okay, let me calm down, I don't need to stay mad at that "doctor" forever.

On the flip side of all this is an eleven year old boy who is terrified to have another open heart surgery. All he wants is normalcy in his life, he wants to do jump rope team w/out have to take a break after EVERY trick. It is actually very sad.

So what are we doing to ease the fear in him? Prayer. We believe that God will not give us more than we can handle, so I know Samuel will be okay. We also believe in miracles, and God could close that hole, and take all of Samuel's fear away. We have prayer warriors at church, school, in the family, and even friends...so no matter what, we KNOW that God's will will be done in this situation. And we always accept God's will for our lives.

Samuel is a faithful servant of God, and his health problems never shake his faith. I am so proud of him, because not all children can be that strong. I speak from personal experience, I never lost faith being diagnosed at 14, but the journey was not easy. This is not easy for my baby, but I feel like the biggest blessing in the world is my comfort in knowing that he is saved, and truly loves God with all of his ♥.

Christmas is almost over.

I have so much to say, so please be prepared to read- grab some coffee and a cookie or two, go potty, and get in your comfy clothes- this is gonna be a long ride.

First things first, I have been promising a TSO blog, so I am gonna talk about it first.

Sam and Kathleen bought us tickets to see Tran Siberian Orchestra with their family, for a Christmas gift. It was an amazing gift. The house was full of hardcore fans, the cheering was louder than a Cavs game, and the show was spectacular.

When we arrived we were only expecting a great performance musically, but TSO can put on a show like no one else I have ever seen. The pyrotechnics and rock-n-roll feel was perfect. There were lights everywhere, laser beams, disco lights, strobe lights, and even huge fire flames to light the stage. I must say, the fire came at the perfect times, just as we started to get chilly, the flames would engulf the stage and we would warm right up...it was crazy beautiful.

The members of TSO were the most talented performers I have ever seen. The guy playing piano would spin around as he rocked it out, the guys on guitar and bass tore it up, and the AMAZING drummer showed the entire audience how drums are supposed to be played. But the one member that stood out above all the rest was the girl from England who rocked the violin- she played it in ways I didn't even know you could play a violin. She was a fireball of energy, running all over, being lifted into the air, running through the audience, and even playing the violin above her head. When she pulled her bow back you could see hundreds of tiny threads that had been broken from the intense playing- it looked like a pompom streaming down from the bow. This girl had talent, and if Samuel was older, I would have tried to marry him off right then and there. :-)

I cannot thank Sam and Kathleen enough for the night, it was perfect. I have pictures that I will post in my "strictly pictures and videos" blog tomorrow. Be watching for them.

Now I want to cover our Christmas holiday.

When the kids got out of school on Friday, things were beyond hectic- we hadn't even decorated the house yet. The kids and I, along with my mom and Steve, got crackin on decorating, preparing for Christmas dinner, and finishing up shopping. Nothing will take the Christmas spirit out of you quite like a trip to WalMart the week before Christmas. Grrr. I tried to not run the kids ragged, so we took time to have fun, we went swimming at the YMCA and had family movie nights.

Christmas Eve was a long day. I only had Samuel, Michael went to Justin's house. I did talk to Michael throughout the day, and he said he was having fun. He said he got "tons of gifts from dad and Tina." So he was excited. He also went to Justin's mom's house for gifts, he got even more there. What a spoiled child, but I love every inch of his spoiled butt.

Samuel and I finished up some shopping, we had to run to the Bible book store and the toy store in Kent. Then we spent the rest of the day enjoying a nap, some conversation, and some television. It was a peaceful day.

When Michael got home we did our traditional "one gift" on Christmas Eve. Samuel got a remote control car, Michael got a robot hand and umbrella hat (yes, he asked for both), I got a homemade flower pot and candle, Steve got the DVD "The Case for the Creator," and my mom also got a robotic hand as an inside joke. Then the kiddos and I watched the Grinch and we all went to sleep.

Christmas morning was not so peaceful, Michael was waking up the whole house. He must have come into my room a dozen times within a half hour time span. I love his excitement, he cracks me up. As I have said in previous blogs, we have a new outlook on Christmas, and new traditions since I am living a new life.

My kids get one new gift, a homemade gift, and they put together a gift for charity.

The homemade gifts were so much fun, it is by far my FAVORITE new tradition. Michael and I made fleece tie blankets and pillows for my mom and Samuel, and we made Steve a Bible plaque that has 1 Cor Ch 13 on it and a personal message on the back. My mom and Steve did portraits for us, my mom drew them, Steve picked out the themes. I will have pictures up soon, I was so excited about these. Michael is the only one that will not have his complete by New Years since he has requested a cast of 20 in his portrait. =D But he is cool with waiting as long as it is EXACTLY as he wants it. Samuel played music for everyone, and it was beautiful. He learned MARY DID YOU KNOW (all of our favorite Christmas song) and put his own twist on it...watch for the video, it was beautiful. Before he played that for us, Michael read the Christmas story from Luke Ch 2 while Samuel played piano lightly in the background, it almost made me cry. I also will put up a video of that tomorrow.

For the charity gifts we decided to make boxes for the soldiers and send them out. We are almost done with them, now we just gotta pack 'em up and ship 'em out. I cannot wait for this, we are gonna do it completely anonymously, so they can just enjoy it without feeling the need to send anything back. We are so grateful for all they do, and just want to bring them some joy while they are stuck in such desolate areas.

On to the NEW gifts. Steve got gifts cards, my mom and I got purses that we REALLY wanted, and the kids got a scavenger hunt. Okay, the scavenger hunt was not the gift, but Michael and Samuel sure had fun doing it....it could have been the gift. This is gonna be one of our new traditions. I taped an envelope to their door with the first clue, and I had clues all throughout the house. The kids were smarter than my mom and Steve, who were stumped by a few of my clues. :-) The sounds of the kids reading clues out loud, and laughing was so special to me. I was so thankful that they were enjoying their "new" way of celebrating Christmas. Ultimately the kids were led to a card that gave them a specific amount of money they could spend, by the time it was all said and done they got a lot of money. They both had gift cards from Justin's mother, and the both had money from my mom, plus what I gave them. They were excited. The kids are getting older and they have more fun buying their own gifts, that is why I chose the money route.

In the end, we only spent like a quarter of what we used to spend Christmas, and I think we had even more fun. Turns out money cannot buy happiness, who knew?! ;-) This all began because I had no money, not after everything I have been through, but in the end we enjoyed it so much more. Sounds miraculous huh? That is because God works in miraculous ways.

After we were done with gifts my mom and I made a delicious Christmas dinner. This is thanks to kind people who have helped us out. Let me explain.

We have had people give us food, and many people offer us turkeys- and we appreciate it all. Then, when no one expected it, Michael came home from school with twenty dollars to help pay for Christmas dinner. As it turns out, his school was having a contest on who could use twenty dollars to help further God's Kingdom more. Michael entered and never even told us. I was so surprised when he won. His letter said that "we could use the money for Christmas since we don't have much money anymore since dad left the family." Of course his version was written in crayon and had tons of misspellings, but I cried and cried when I read it. What a special little guy to think of that when he entered. So we did have a delicious Christmas dinner, and I pray that God will use us to further that blessing in some way- to pay it forward.

Right before we ate, we all stood in the kitchen holding hands while Samuel prayed over our food. He thanked God for allowing us to be together on Christmas, he prayed that everyone would remember Jesus' birth today, and he prayed for nourishment from the food. It was such a heartfelt prayer, he is such an amazing kid.

Once our bellies were full, the kids and I watched a movie on T.V. and then laid down for a nap. Ah, the nap, I heart the Christmas nap. <3

When we woke up I took the boys to the skating rink- yes, they were open on Christmas Day. Th place was filled teenagers and I was the only parent. Samuel did not care though, he got out there and tore it up. He loves skating just as much as his momma did when she was younger. Michael on the other hand opted out of skating. He was too intimidated by the teens, he is gonna skate on Christian night, January 5th. He did have fun with his glow stick wand thingys that he bought, what can I say, he is easy to please.

Skating, wow, I am gonna have to dive into that a little bit...

First off I just wan to say that skating never changes, or at least it hasn't since I started skating in 1983 and the young age of 3 years old. :-)

The rink was filled with tweens and teens, all hormonal and flirting with one another, and saying things that they would never say if their parents were there. But as I said before, I was literally the only parent there.

Now, skating never changes, you will always have those that can do it, and do it well...those that want to do it well...and those that should just keep their walking shoes on. However, the kids have definitely changed since I was in my skating heyday. For one, apparently girls do not have to wear clothes anymore, they can just go skating nude if the wish. When I went skating is all about the Mossimo, No Fear, and other brands of clothes that I cannot remember. Now the rules posted on the door is "No texting or cell phones while skating," instead of "No gum chewing while skating." And when I went skating we didn't have the luxury of texting, oh no, we anxiously awaited a "beep" on our beeper so we could skate over to the pay phone and call back whoever it was that we told to beep us before we left home. Just as long as that beeper went off we felt good about ourselves. Oh, and I cannot forget, we always ordered Slush Puppies from the snack bar- you will be laughed out of town if you order anything other than one of those popular "energy" drinks now. I suspect that is because they feel like they are a Rockstar while drinking Rockstar. Also, when I went skating kids believed in hygiene, now you are allowed to leave the house without a shower or deodorant. And apparently, no one cares that YOU SMELL FUNKY. Well, no one except my kids, who loudly ask me, "Who smells like onion mom?" I just hang my head in sorrow and answer, "Everyone son, everyone."

But all in all it was like a flashback for me. Cliques surrounded me, all being loud so they could be heard- never listening to anyone else. Fat kids were teased. Kids who fell were laughed at. And everyone was "asking out" everyone else. Apparently there is a lot of 10 speed Schwinn, Happy Meal dating going on.

That concluded our day, we came home and the kids went to bed, and here I am, blogging.

I have few more things to say before I shut up. I want to thank whoever gave Michael the two, large, blue gift bags at school. We really needed those items, and I wish I could thank you personally, whoever you are. But thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have also received a few other items anonymously this Christmas (like the DVD Ferris Bueller), and I thank all of you who were so generous this season. Again, since I don't know who sent what, I am just taking this time to thank you from the bottom of my heart. And the words "Thank You" are not enough, but please know that I sincerely mean it. My boys also thank you.

Okay, I have to go get my boys packed and ready to go for tomorrow. Please look for my picture/video blog- it should be up after the kiddos leave tomorrow.

I hope you all had a blessed Christmas and enjoyed your time with your family. Every single day is a gift, and you should not let any pass without making new memories.

Love you all!

It must be the holidays.

Holiday stress has arrived. However, I am determined to NOT let it get me down. I am having money troubles, just like every other Tom, Dick, and Harry in the world. I am now officially 2 months behind on the kids' school payments, haven't paid for Samuel's orchestra, Michael needs his TRIBE money by January 15th, and of course, this year (first time ever) the school cannot afford to pay for the 6th grade week long field trip at Beulah Beach, luckily, that is only 100 more dollars. I don't know what I am going to do. I have to go and humiliate myself and beg for mercy, and more time to pay...before they kick my kids out. And the financial person goes to my church to boot, so how embarrassing is that? But like I said, everyone is financially struggling, I am just one of the thousands- er, millions.

On a less depressing note, I am finally starting to feel better. Yay! :-) My Synthroid is finally starting to kick in, and hopefully suppressing the cancer until I can get to the big wigs to come up with a game plan. Once my divorce from Justin is final, I will be without insurance, I am out of options. Believe me, I have applied everywhere, and I have had no luck. So please, prayer warriors, pray for a door to open so I can have health insurance. It is not just a simple luxury for me, or even a back-up in case something happens...it is a life line for me. Once I go without insurance my cancer will be considered a preexisting condition, and we all know that is not good. It won't just be my cancer either, it will also be my back problems and kidney problems. Like I said, prayer warriors please add this to your list.

But I am blessed because Michael will continue to have insurance through Justin, and both kids will have Buckeye (state insurance). That is a huge blessing, since they both have to be seen for ongoing medical conditions. :-) See, it isn't always bad news.

Okay, like a said a while ago, I have changed our view of Christmas, let me explain. When I began going through this divorce, God starting convicting my heart on a lot of issues. This has been one bumpy road, but I believe the outcome is His perfect will. It is not going to be easy, but here goes...

I heard someone say, "Jesus only got three gifts, why should I get more?" Wow, powerful words. A better question would be, why should you get gifts on Jesus' birthday at all? We have never done Santa, so my kids always knew the gifts were from us. Also, we made it clear every year that the kids UNDERSTOOD what the true meaning of Christmas was. So I feel like they are pretty grounded, but they were not prepared for my new plans.

Christmas with me will now be ONE new gift. Trust me, my kids are spoiled, one is more than they need. And there are kids everywhere that get nothing. We will also be making gifts for one another, we have already started. My mom and Steve are teaming up, Michael and I are teaming up, and Samuel wanted to do his by himself. So that now makes their gift total THREE. But they get a fourth gift, and I believe it is the most important, they get to but a gift and donate it to a charity of their choice. Be it a robe and slippers for someone in a nursing home, or a toy for a child who has nothing, or clothes for the dear people living at the Haven of Rest. I know in my heart that this will be so beneficial to them one day.

Volunteering is something we will begin doing on Christmas (or Thanksgiving on the years that they aren't with me for Christmas). I am hoping to find somewhere for us to serve food, or stuff boxes, or simply entertain lonely people in nursing homes. I have put out some calls, hopefully I hear back soon. If you know of anywhere that needs Christmas Day volunteers, please let us know. It's time to pay it forward. God has blessed us tremendously, we have a home and food, and each other, and even a Bible to read (many people don't have that luxury), so we just want to shine His light in this world.

I know that what I am doing is EXACTLY what God wants for Samuel and Michael- and even my parents and I. We live in a world that is I WANT I WANT I WANT, that mentality stops in our home now. We WANT to give, we WANT to love, we WANT people to come to know Jesus....we WANT to lay up our treasures in heaven, not on this earth.

I am not sure how much more blogging I will be doing before Christmas, but I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas, filled with the joy of Jesus' birth. I would also like to invite you all to the Christmas play at our church, I have heard great things about it. It is on December 20th, at 10:30am, and I will be there, with ears ready to listen to what the spirit has to say to me. Check out the church website at abt316.com and you should be able to see a preview of it.

Goodnight dear friends. Remember, when God closes a door, He opens a window. Never forget that.

(By the way, a week after we lost Dwight, our guinea pig died, of old age...I believe. He was about 10 years old, and couldn't really get around too well anymore. He died peacefully in a warm room, being watched over by mom and I all day. I know he felt loved when he went, and I know his old body doesn't hurt him anymore. We rescued him several years ago from an abusive owner, I am thankful for the MANY happy years we were able to give him. Losing animals is so hard, especially when you are a freak about them like I am, but human life is so much more important, and while I cry for a time over my pets, I am thankful to have my healthy family.)