Most of my close friends know that I have made a vow in my life to not have enemies. I do not want the word HATE to be in my vocabulary. God commands us to forgive, so I do my very best to forgive everything. I also do my best to apologize quickly when I am wrong.
I have had to forgive some pretty big stuff in my life...such as, my biological father being the drug/alcohol addicted, non-family man that he was. Or my grandparents for the emotion and physical abuse that they dealt out to all four of their children. And let us not forget when I was dropped on my butt with two kids, and left with no stability. Big stuff, and this does not even scratch the surface.
But, being a sinner, saved by grace, I know forgiveness is not something that God suggests, He commands it. How can I expect to be forgiven of my sins, if I cannot forgive others? And honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I have forgiven everyone, and I am truly at peace in my heart.
Lately things have been getting more difficult for me, and I DO NOT want to fall into the unforgiving person I USED to be. So I am praying for strength and wisdom with each situation as it arises.
Oddly enough, forgiving the horrible things that family has done is EASIER than forging friends when they betray me. I am not sure why, it should be easier. Maybe it is because I choose my friends and I expect more from them. Maybe I feel more obligated to forgive family, you know, since they are family. I don't know...
I DO KNOW, that I have to work through this, because when I made that vow (to not have enemies) I was serious, and I take vows VERY seriously. I just need to figure out a way to forgive, and move on, without becoming more angry or upset.
I have a tendency to allow friends to walk on me, I always have, and probably always will. I have accepted that this is simply something I cannot change about my personality. I wish I was more like my mother, and could speak my mind more. But then again, I know the life she had to live in order to be so vocal, so maybe I should not complain...I had an amazing childhood where I knew I had a mom that would ALWAYS be there for me!
I have decided that I will just back out of the picture when I feel like I am being used. That is not necessarily a bad thing, friendships fade over time, and I feel like I have some that are simply fading. :'( It is sad, but in order to keep my sanity, I have to let go. I hate seeing a chapter end, no matter if it is a friend, family, job, hobby, anything...
I also hate fighting with friends. Have you ever had a friend that you actually fought with? I never have until my late 20s, and let me just say, not my cup of tea. I am an adult, the only people that I should be fighting with are my kids and boyfriends! Because you cannot help but fight with your kids, and every good relationship has fighting, otherwise you are not connecting. Other than those two scenarios, I have no reason to FIGHT with anyone, maybe disagree, but not fight.
I have some of the best girlfriends in the world, friends that have my back through think and thin! I have a family that most people would give anything for, a network that is so strong it CANNOT be broken. It just kills me that I struggle with a few friendships. But again, it is better to bow out, and move on, instead of living in anger. That way forgiveness is easier...and as you have heard a million times by now, I HAVE to forgive...I even WANT to forgive. Really.
Okay, I feel like I have chatted enough. Hehe. :) Plus....THE DECISION....is coming on in 20 minutes, I would not want to interfere with such pressing, worldwide news! =D (BTW, I hope he goes so Cleveland will show some "real" news stories!)
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