I have been doing really great over the last month, having more "ups" than "downs." When I get lonely, I am generally upset about not having the friendship/companionship that I am used to. It is no longer about missing Justin. I just miss having someone who is always there, and someone that I can tell all of my secrets to. I don't miss the physical at all. Only having an emotional connection. You know, love.
But quite frankly, I am glad that Justin told me a few weeks back that he wasn't capable of loving someone on a deep level, or at all...otherwise, I might still be hung up on him. I want someone with emotions, and who can love as deeply as I love...or I don't want anyone at all. Without love, you have nothing.
When I was married, I was living in a fantasy world. In my mind, there were "men," and then there was Justin. "Men" were scum, always looking for something better, always getting bored, always wanting to party over dedicating their lives to their families, always being put out by family obligations, etc.. And then, there was Justin. I felt like the world would never see another man like him. He seemed so dedicated to me and our family. He would go on and on about "our love." This went on right up until April 30th. Then I came home to that infamous note, and I knew that the world had no such thing as a perfect man.
Justin blamed me at first, and that crushed me. Most of you will never know the pain he put me through during this time. Then I got the infamous email from Kelly Allan, telling me that Justin was cheating. Justin said it wasn't physical, just emotional. He also told me that when he thought he could cheat on me, he knew he had to get out. He also said that "she" was acting all crazy and threatening to tell me...so he tried to cut her off. Blah, blah, blah. Like I said, "men!"
Let's get something straight right now...cheating is cheating. Whether it is emotional or physical. It is all a desperate cry for attention, and that is disgusting. And doing ANYTHING while you are still married is disrespectful and pathetic. I would not even call Justin until my divorce was final from Joel, that is how strongly I feel about cheating. No one who truly cares about other people can do that to someone, no matter how mad you are at them.
That one line that he said drove me crazy. (When I knew I could cheat I had to get out.) When did we get to a point in our marriage that made cheating look so good? I spent many nights dwelling on it, but ultimately, I came to the conclusion that if he was okay with it after ten years, he would have been okay with it after ten days. That is either who you are, or it isn't. Once I had that epiphany, I was able to let it go. That was also when I realized that I wasn't missing Justin anymore, I was missing marriage.
Since the beginning I have been very honest about my emotions. I blog everything. I was receiving some VERY harsh comments and some VERY harsh emails. I let it go and let it go and let it go. I always wanted to take the high road, not the trailer trash one that many seem to be traveling on these days. I am assuming that these emails and comments were "threats" to quit blogging or talking or tweeting about Justin. Luckily, I have am AMAZING family member who can track anything on the computer (Justin knows this.)...and I now have names and addresses. Lucky me, huh?! :-) But, like I said, I'm on the high road here, so I have kept silent about this information.
Those of you who are not on the high road should really start to think about joining me up here. As it turns out, the air is a little better up here, not clouded with lies and deception.
And just a little note to you, you may think you KNOW someone, and you may KNOW they are different, and you may KNOW they are not deceiving you...but you ARE so wrong. And I am so sorry about that.
That's enough about you, back to me, this is my blog :] ...
Anyway, after the emotional week, I am finally feeling back on track. Once I dealt with the situation this week...and then really thought about where my emotions were directed...I started to feel better.
I am so thankful for boys who love me unconditionally, and I love them ten times more. I am thankful for my mom and Steve who are here EVERY time I need them, no questions asked. I am thankful to my other family (you know who you are), they have given me great advice and information. I am thankful to the dozens of friends who have held my hand every step of the way during the long, bumpy road. I love you all more than you will ever know. I will always be here, you can be sure of that. I will never turn on any of you, you mean the world to me. I know that God put EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU right in front of me for a reason. I am so grateful for that.
I love you all.
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