There is a country song, I don't know the name of it, but it has a line that says, "I went from someone you loved to someone you used to know." That is how I feel, like someone he used to know.
I had a fairly busy day planned today, I thought that would be a good idea considering. However, when I was driving through Akron I had to go pass the Rubbermaid plant and memories came flooding back.
As most of you know, Justin used to work for Rubbermaid. We were dog poor back then, living on nothing but love. I never cared that he didn't make a lot of money, I always maintained that you could live on love. And the intimacy that builds when you literally have nothing else is amazing. We shared that CLOSE intimacy right up until he left, which is why I was so very shocked.
After hours upon hours of reliving the last weeks together, I became enlightened about two specific events. Two things that should have opened up my eyes.
Justin was always VERY protective of me. He never wanted me hurt, he didn't want the kids to be rough around me. I mean VERY (!!) protective. But about two days before he left he came home and Michael told him that I had fallen over the gate and hurt myself. Justin chuckled. Looking back, Justin would have NEVER laughed about that...he would have jumped all over anyone for laughing. But I didn't think much of it at the time, but I guess I held on to it in my mind for some reason.
The next thing really should have opened my eyes, but I was blindly in love. We were in the car with the kids have a peer pressure talk. We started talking about what God expects from us, and how doing the right thing isn't always easy. Justin jumped in (and he never joined those conversations with the kids) and said how EXTREMELY hard it is to do the right thing. He went on about Satan messing with your mind and tempting you, blah blah blah. I was just happy that he was taking such an interest in the subject with the boys. I had no idea he was talking about his current situation. I thought he was having flashbacks of being horribly teased as a child and teenager. Since he had lived through all sorts of harassments, I figured he knew better than anyone about peer pressure. Again, I didn't think much of it at the time, but my mind obviously held onto it for a reason.
I am so deeply hurt today. I wish I could stop the pain, the betrayal, the loss. I try to approach everyday as new day with a fresh start. I don't want memories to pull me down. But on the two month anniversary I could not help but sit back and think about our ten years together.
It's very typical for one spouse to use the other to climb to the top and then abandon them when they've finally accomplished their goal. For some reason, Justin seems to believe he has reached the top because he has a decent job and is now going to college (thanks to you). He figured it was time to throw out the trash so he can have the finer things in life. What a shame. He builds his treasures in this world, and it will all pass away. Hang on Hollie; we are all running for the REAL prize and your treasures will be in Heaven where they will last for eternity.
ReplyDeleteHollie...off this subject....now that you know, what are you going to do about it? I don't think you should let something like this go.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I have been writing a blog for a few weeks now. Prolly won't publish it until the divorce is final though. But I am covering everything. Plus, I need to fine tune it, and I don't know if anything else will come up. We shall see. Writing it has helped me tremendously, it helps me to let go of the pain and anger.
ReplyDeleteWhy do people only focus on the negative?!? Be grateful for what you have: the roof over your head a fully stomach and waking up every day to your family. Is there a point airing out the dirty laundry? Will it give someone a sense of accomplishment? A sigh of relief? Will it allow someone to feel better about themselves to bring others down? Would you like someone to air out your faults? Treat people the way you wanted to be treated. When you play with fire you shall too get burned and every body's day will come. Before you judge take a step back are you perfect? Who gave you the power to point fingers? Everyone is equal. Be kind to everyone for they too might be fighting a harder battle. Peace be with you.
ReplyDelete*~Amy Melone~*