I was doing so good...

Today started off okay. I got up and got my boys ready for church. We were gonna stay for Sunday School and Church but I just couldn't do it. About 4 people asked where my husband was this morning, and I had to tell them. Saying it out loud messed me up. I hate crying in front of people, but there I was, a blubbering idiot.

Anywho, as soon as Sunday School was over I hightailed it out of there. I kind of felt guilty....God is the only one helping me through this, He is the only one that can give me peace...and here I am, leaving church. But I just couldn't do it, I am gonna go back tonight, hopefully I will be better by then.

I think a lot of the emotions are also because tomorrow is the one month mark since he left...and Wednesday is our ten year anniversary. It is going to be one rough week. I just wish I could not be sad anymore, I am ready for the "time" to start kicking in...you know the "time" in "time heals all wounds."

I will shut up now, it was just a bad morning, and I needed to blog for some sort of release. Hopefully I can have a positive blog up tonight.

Wildwater Fun :)

Hello friends.

When my boys got home from their night with Justin, I took them to Wildwater Kingdom. They had a ball. We went with Mindy and her two little ones. Rachel didn't get to go :-( but she will be there next time. I posted a ton of pics in Facebook...but here are a few pics for those who don't see my FB.


All of the boys falling into the water....



Haha, he was a little big for this...



Cavs car was there....



Michael being hit with a wave....



Mindy and her crew...



Okay peoples, that is all for now. I can't promise I won't blog more tonight. I have had an emotional afternoon. Samuel has cried a lot since he has been home. I don't understand why he is always sad when he comes home from anywhere, I guess it is just homesickness. :-) Anyway, when one of my babies gets upset, so do I. BUT....I am also very tired from the day, so I may go to bed. Hmmm, decisions decisions.

School's out for summer...

Well, it is finally over. Can you believe it? I can't. The boys had a marvelous day, and I am thankful for that. Once school got out I took the boys bowling, then we came home and played for a little while. Then the boys went with Justin for the night, I hope they have fun.

The pictures that I posted are from today, but there are a lot more on my Facebook page, so add me if you have it. Check em out. :-)

I did wanna say something else...

I talked to my friend Amber today...she was my best friend growing up. We have consistently kept in contact for last ten years that I have been in gone, even though we have not physically seen each other since I left Florida.

Anywho, she wanted to know how I was doing. So I told her. I told her that I am still sad a lot, and I haven't reached the "anger" phase. She was cracking me up about all the things that I should be doing right now. You see, Amber has been through this...and she can be an angry person. :-)

She was VERY concerned that I am still sad and not wanting to "hurt him back." lol She had me rolling. It was nice hearing her perspective on the situation, even though I am not like her. ;)

I love it when my friends and family speak their minds, it always make me feel better. As better as I can feel right now.

It's over tomorrow.

Tomorrow is officially the boys' last day of school. This is such a bitter sweet time of the year. They will miss their teachers and friends, but they can't wait to spend the summer chiilin out. :-)

Today, Michael's class got to pick apart owl pellets to get bones from the animals that they ate. He had SO MUCH fun with that. He came home with a nasty ole bag of bones, ick.

Samuel went on his last field trip with SEARCH. Here are some of the cell phone pics that he sent me....









I would blog more, but I really want some time to write in my journal. I have been keeping a journal ever since Justin left, I can write everything, every feeling, every everything that I want...and no one says anything to me. It has been so helpful, mostly because I am someone who keeps my feelings inside. However, I let out my feelings in that little journal.

Church was good.

Well, it's Wednesday...so that means church. The kids had Children's Church, and I had the Women's Bible Study.

Why am I blogging about this you ask? Lemme tell you...

The pastors wife is our teacher...and she said something that moved me. We were learning about becoming a Christian mentor, and she said...

You can't help other women through their trials until you have lived through them. God has a purpose for everything, His plan is perfect. Even if we feel like everything in our life is wrong, God will see us through it. And in the end, we will be stronger, and able to mentor other women in need.

WOW! I know, it sounds like she was talking straight to me. She doesn't even really know my situation, I haven't gone in to detail with her. But this lesson really hit me hard, and I thought it would be a waste of my time tonight.

I always get depressed when I have to go sit in church alone, and watch all the happy married couples make jokes about how horrible married life is. They don't know how blessed they are. But then I get a lesson like this, and I know that I can survive this.

God continues to show me how to heal, and He helps me to stay out of the depression....but I keep letting myself fall back into the nonstop crying and reminiscing. This is not what my attitude should be. I need to learn to be thankful for what I have...after all, Job lost everything and continued to praise God.

Another day.

Well, I made it through another day. I spent the morning at LCCS listening to kiddos recite Matthew 5, 6, and 7. They all did such a great job, and they all got to go to Pizza Hut for lunch.

I left the school and met my mom at Wal-Mart. We had grocery shopping to do, I was there for about 2 hours. My mom bought me Subway for lunch, that was good...I never eat anymore, so it was actually good. Usually I am not a fan of Subway, but today I was.

Then I came home to take care of the zoo that is living here right now. (I am dog/cat sitting for a friend of mine for all of you who don't know.) I had to let them play outside for a little bit, I hate when animals are stuck in the house all day. I got some pics, I will post them on Facebook.

Then I got the boys from school and came home to do the daily household chores. Now, we are getting ready for church tonight. It has been a busy day.

I love days like this, where the time flies by. It never fails, if I am home for more than an hour with nothing to do, I lose my mind thinking about everything I have lost. So, today, I am grateful for how quickly the time has passed.

I'm game.

6 things

I've been tagged by my cuz, Paige at http://wannabestockdog.blogspot.com/ .

6 things that I appreciate that may, to someone else, seem unimportant, but to me are precious:

1.) Good hair. My hair is frizzy, and icky....people with LONG, thick, beautiful hair never appreciate what they have. I did appreciate my hair when it was good, but then I went through all that health crap and my hair turned to crap.

2.) Good health. Having spent a good portion of my life in a hospital, I can really appreciate good health...more than most.

3.) Photos. Not just mine, but photos in general. They all tell their own stories, and most people throw them in a box and never appreciate them. Sad.

4.) Animal minds. They have feelings, thoughts, emotions, EVERYTHING that we have...and people just treat them like they are nothing. But, I love watching an animal learn, or "miss you," or anything like that.

5.) Socks. This may seem weird, but I grew up barefoot in Florida. I never needed socks until I moved to snow covered Ohio...and I love a nice pair of socks.

6.) Pens. I have a pen obsession. I love pens, you know, the good kind...with the thick ink, and they feel like they just glide across the paper. I have stolen many a pen from doctors offices. Shh.

I don't really have a lot of friends on Blogger, everyone is on Facebook. BUT...I will tag....

Shelly : http://ihometeach.blogspot.com/

Grey's Anatomy

I started watching Grey's Anatomy a few days ago...just to try and keep my mind off of life problems. However, there was this one episode that hit home so bad, and I cried for hours.

Meredith Grey was talking about how she couldn't remember her last kiss with the doctor that she loved. She said, "You never expect it to be your last kiss."

Okay this really hit me, and I discovered that this was the basis for a lot of my tears.

I CAN'T remember so many things about our last weeks together. I will sit back and think for hours, but I can't recall anything. You take the daily stuff for granted because you never think that it will be your last hug, or kiss, or conversation. I hate that I can't remember.

I can remember so many special moments from our ten years together...but the last weeks...the most important to me...and I can't picture any of it. This kills me. It's not fair, I didn't know, or I would have taken it all in.

I hope that all of you married people never take anything for granted...or even allow anything to become such a normal routine that you couldn't remember it if something happened.

More than anything, I pray for all of my married friends and family every night....I pray that you will all have strong marriages, built on faith and love. I don't EVER want to see anyone go through what I am going through. Marriage is gift, and I hope that you are all thankful for it.

Too Blessed To Be Stressed :)

I had a friend send this to me today and I loved it. So I am gonna share it with y'all! Here ya go....

Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
The richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes- might be lonely.
So, love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen- Losers let things happen.'

Samuel's Field Day!

Hello my faithful readers. :) As you know, today was Samuel's Field Day. The weather was PERFECT for it...not too hot, not too cold. And, it didn't even rain. The kiddos had a blast. They played games like kickball, soccer, water relays, wheelbarrow races, etc.. All in all, it was a pretty great day.

I also got a chance to sit and chitchat with some of my friends, that was really nice. I feel like a horrible person that NEVER calls anyone back, but when I get to see them face to face...I don't shut up. :-) It was just nice catching up on all of the school gossip, it kept my mind off of my problems.

Anywho, here are some pics from Field Day (there are even more on Facebook). Enjoy...

Lake Center

As everyone knows, my boys go to Lake Center Christian School in Hartville. Originally we were told that the waiting list was about two years...but, by God's grace, the boys' were accepted in only five months after our application. The boys prayed and prayed that God would get them in, and He did. :-)

I just dropped the boys off for their last week at school. This year has been amazing, they have grown academically and spiritually. I was grateful for every day that they have spent at Lake Center.

Since Justin left, I am not sure that I can send my boys to LCCS next year. I pray every night that God will make a way. Whether it is through scholarships, or He just shows me what to do...I know that my boys belong at this school. Just pray with me, I know God can work this out....after all, He got them into the school last year. :-)

Be watching for a lot of pictures from their last week at school....starting this afternoon with Samuel's Field Day pics. :-) I know, you are probably sick of seeing so many pics, but what can I say...I am one proud mama.

Being an example under stress.

When I am having a bad night, and I just want to cry and dwell on the past...I can go into the boys' room and sit and watch them sleep- and all of a sudden, I quit crying. God blessed my life with two of the greatest kids ever, He trusted me to raise them according to His plan. I just want to be the mother that God wants me to be, an example for my children to follow. And when things get tough, I don't want them to see me crumble...or run away. I want them to know that I am here, through thick and thin, always and forever. No matter what. Just like God has always been there for me, no matter how I was living my life...He has always taken care of me, and never turned His back on me. That is the kind of perfect example I want to set for my boys. I love them so much, and I just want to do right by them.

Here are two pictures that I literally just took 10 minutes ago....my sleeping angels...

Happy Memorial Day!

Hello everyone. I hope you all are having a wonderful Memorial Day. Please remember all the men and women that have died to give us our freedom. What a great gift being free is. :) I hope you enjoy those pics of my boys enjoying Memorial Day, outside in the warm weather.

Always and Forever

Today I read through 10 years of love letters, cards, emails, etc... It was the hardest thing I have done in a long while.

Do you know what I discovered? That "always" doesn't mean "always." And "forever" doesn't always mean "forever."

That makes my heart sad...

Hmm...

I had a good day. I went to Goodwill, Family Video, Wal-Mart, Taco Bell, and Pet Supplies Plus with my mom and Steve. That kept me busy for a good portion of the day. Then I came home and cleaned the kids room, they will be so excited. :-)

I am still very sore from yesterday, and my busy day today didn't make things better. So I think I am gonna lay down and try to massage my back while watching Grey's Anatomy. And I am planning on not getting sad tonight, I am gonna try to keep my head up.

Okay...so..my blog about nothing seems weird. Sorry I don't have more to say.

The weekend.

Well, it is probably going to be a rough weekend...I hope not, but we'll see. It has been really bad these past few days. I don't know what in the world causes my "downs." I wish I could figure it all out. I will be chugging along just fine, and then all of a sudden...I lose it. What the heck?!

I want a sense of normalcy back in my life. I miss that. I miss so much more that that. Everyone keeps telling me that time will bring normalcy, I hope they are right.

Everyone has been so great about trying to keep my mind occupied, and I do appreciate that. I would be lost without the love and support of my friends and family- I hope that you all know that.

My boys will be gone this weekend. Before, when they would leave together, I would have Justin and we would do something together. Now, I don't know. I'm just confused.

Isn't it funny...

Isn't it funny how life is like a puzzle. You think it is all put together and you can see the picture so clearly. But, you can't, because you are missing pieces.

Then slowly, over time, people give you these pieces. Friends, family, and even perfect strangers will call to tell you things about your life that you never knew. Then you have the key pieces to the puzzle...you can then put it together and see the picture.

Of course, by this time, the picture is not what you thought it was at all. Nope. It is something completely different, and you don't know how to feel about it now. It's like...all this time you thought you bought a specific puzzle...but when you put it together it was a different puzzle in the right box. Weird.

Life is funny that way.

Michael's Field Day

Just a quick note about the boys, and then we will get into Michael's Field Day! They both went to the counselor yesterday, and BOTH said that it is helping. I think they enjoy having an outside party to talk to. They both cried a lot last night, but that is something they need to do to deal with this. I am glad that they are showing more emotion. :-) Justin is coming to get them tonight, he will spend a couple hours with them. I hope they have fun. I love my guys so much, I just want them to be "normal" again.

Okay....about Field Day....

It was so flippin hot outside, like 80+ degrees. I feel like I could sleep for 24 hours...or more. But, the kiddos had so much fun anyway! I swear, temperatures don't affect kids like they do adults. Well, here are some pics from the day...