Mother's Day

Justin never called me to say Happy Mother's Day. How hurtful is that. The kids were hurt too, they said, "Mom , dad didn't let us get you anything yesterday." This was out of the blue and unexpected, I couldn't believe it. I was so hurt. He could have helped the kids, none of this is their fault. So they scrambled around all morning trying to make it a good day. I love them more than life, they are the greatest, most loving kids ever.

Justin has always made sure Mother's Day was taken care of, and I was always glad that he loved the kids enough to help them with it. He even bought mt the same exact card two years in a row, I didn't even get mad....I just joked it off. Obviously he wasn't reading them or he would have know it was the same, but he got it for me from the kids so I didn't care.

I am most upset about what this is doing to my babies. I know that he thinks they will get over it, but kids remember details about everything...they'll never forget. He will never have the same relationship with them...ever again. That kills me.

My mom got me some books ti help with the grieving process. She knows how much I need it. I keep hanging on to something that is not there. So my books are... THE JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING which is about your best friend, you lover, abandoning you. The other is....THE HEALING JOURNEY which is about the grieving stages after death. I feel like he died, I feel like I lost him forever. And, my marriage did die, so same thing. This is a workbook that has you write out every feeling, that should help me. It asks specific questions and you just input truthful answers.

I also started a journal. I will do it for one year, I will write everything that I cannot say to anyone else. I want to release all of my feeling throughout this, keeping them inside is killing me.

Ultimately, I would rather be going through this with him, working on marriage with him. But I am learning how to do it alone.