Still May 12th.

Tonight was Samuel's final orchestra concert. It was amazing, and I will post pics and vids later.

Justin came and he sat with us (me, Mikey, my mom, and Steve). It was hard for me, it is hard because it feels so normal in my heart, but my mind knows it isn't.

The boys were glad to see him. Samuel was thinking he wouldn't show up (I have no idea why)...and I could see that he was happy when he came in. He had a hard time on the way home, just upset that we went home without him. But I got him a snack and started their movie and he is much better.

Michael was very touchy/feely with Justin...that is not like him. He was glad to see him, makes him feel wanted. He didn't have a hard time leaving like Samuel did, he was glad to see him, but fine with going home afterward. I am thankful for that, I can't stand seeing them cry anymore.

Joel came over on Sunday like I said, and he explained to Samuel that he was here forever...there is no getting rid of him. Believe it or not, that made Samuel feel so much better...he just wanted to talk with Joel. I think Samuel just wants to make sure Justin will be there too...like with the concert tonight. I am thankful it all went well.

Samuel is also still having some problems with "nervous behaviors." These ugly habits show themselves whenever there is talk of ANYTHING involving the separation...even if it is as stupid as me taking my Synthroid (Justin used to give it to me). I will give him a few more sessions with the school counselor, then I am going to put him into a regular, weekly therapy. I am not sure about Michael yet, time will tell.

I cannot express how much I love these kids, I wish they never had to experience anything like this in their life...it is not fair to them. But I talk with them daily, and we always talk about the importance of leaning on God....He is helping us all.

I thought I could never pull out of this depression....I felt like I would never be normal again...but I can. I am starting to realize things about me that I never knew...I have been a wife for so long, you almost lose yourself in it. I loved being married, and would stay married in a heartbeat. But, I also like knowing that I am a strong enough of a woman to pull through this...and show my boys what their momma is capable of accomplishing.