Thoughts are racing tonight.

No, this still isn't the long blog I want to post. Not done with that yet. Anywho, I needed to take the time to evaluate a conversation that I had with a friend.

I am not going to give the name of the friend, but her story moved me, so I am sharing.

She was madly in love with her husband. She found out he was cheating. She was so in love that she was willing to work through it, and even "share" him. Once he finally left for good, she feel into a DEEP, DARK depression. I am talking suicidal thoughts, quit eating, etc...

Well, over time she has picked herself up, she survived it. She said she thought she could never survive a pain like that, but she did and she is better for it today.

I know what she went through. I have been hurt worse than any physical pain I have ever felt. And for the first month, I truly thought I could not make it. I never had suicidal thoughts or anything like that....but I did cry all the time and I never wanted to be awake. I was never willing to "share" him, but I was willing to work through everything.

This just shows me how desperate you become when you lose a part of you. And when you are with your "soul mate," you feel like you are being ripped in half when the other part of you is gone. You start to consider things you wouldn't normally EVER consider.

In my mind, I always said, if I get screwed over, I can take it. I am a big girl. And I DO NOT need a man to sustain me. That sure is easy to say when you are "happily" married. But, over time, I am starting to realize that I was one person when I was married to Justin, and another person when I became single. It was truly like we were one, and I was fine with that, even happy. But I am a completely different person now.

I am not completely sure who I am yet. But I have noticed a few changes...

My parenting is stronger as a single mom. I am not sure if it is more one and one time with them, or just the fact that I am now living for them 100% instead of for my husband. Whatever the reason, I am happy.

My friendships have become deeper. I had friends coming out form every which way when this first happened, and over the weeks, these friendships have turned into gems for me.

My relationship with my brother has been repaired. I missed him so much while we were apart, and I thank God that the relationship is better.

I feel like I can love deeper. I know this one sounds weird, and if you know me, I love with everything in me. But maybe I love deeper because I have more compassion towards those who have been hurt...something I could never fully understand until it had happened to me.

My relationship with my mom and dad has become stronger. I'm not saying that I didn't have a relationship with my mom, everyone knows that we have always been close. But, the way they have come out to help me through this has been a miracle for me. I always knew they loved me, but seeing the true joy that they have while helping me is amazing.

I feel like God is showing me what kids of things to teach my boys. I never thought to talk with them about the vows of marriage, or faithfulness, or "through better or worse." But now, we have these conversations all the time, and I know that they are gonna grow up and be men that I can truly be proud of.

I am learning more about "what I like." What I mean by this is, when you are married you get into a married routine. You try to stay on the same schedules so you have have a lot of time together. For the first few weeks I stayed on the "Hollie and Justin" schedule. Now...nothing is the same. My daily routine, my habits, my interests, my hobbies....it is all changed. Once I realized that I didn't have to answer to anyone, and I could do what I want, when I wanted...I discovered new things.

With all of the good...there has also been bad...

I have truly felt the what loneliness feels like. This is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I have never lived alone until now, and it is definitely an adjustment. I find myself thinking about friends that live alone, elderly people that live alone, children in group homes....the vast world of loneliness. I cannot stand it.

I have felt what is is like to be sick and have no one there to help you. This is a hard thing to accept. The first time I got sick in the middle of the night, and was crying, I turned over...and no one was there. I had to do my best to take care of myself, but that just brought up emotional pain on top of physical.

I am not gonna go through anymore bad...I can't handle talking about it...

Sorry.